Monday, February 27, 2006


Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.

To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger,I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the "loser," and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to: M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc. Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3x5 card reading, "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, February 23, 2006

News That Matters

Record deficits, declining wages, government corruption, secret deals, torture, the wars in Iraq and Afganistan, Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face. The list goes on and on and on and on and on and on. But the most critical issues can be summed up in one question: Did K-Fed hit on Jessica Simpson?

News that matters. I love this home of the brave, land of the free stuff.

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, February 18, 2006

VP Shoots Friend, Friend Forgives

What's up with that? Cheney shoots his friend IN THE FACE, but his friend forgives him - as if this were a typical hunting accident!

How rich you gotta be to be shot in the face by the second highest government official and NOT sue?

I tell you, something is wrong in Dodge.

That's all I got to say about that.

The Yeetle Box

Monday, February 13, 2006

VP Shoots Friend in Face

Some things are funny in themselves - require no punchline. This is one of them. It eclipses some of the funnier moments of our political history - e.g. President Bush choking on a pretzel.

This is funnier than that:

Dick Cheney, Vice President of the United States of America, mistook a man for a quail, and, subsequently, shot him in the face.

Nuff said.

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Psychotic Nerve

A woman I know refers to the back pain she receives as the result of a bad "psychotic nerve." Well, she might be right. Seems to me a psychotic nerve would cause much pain in the brain and the back.

So, I did a little research. Indeed, there is a psychotic nerve in all humans - and a few other primate species such as the lemur.

Apparently, the psychotic nerve begins in the cerebral cortex, extends through the brain stem, and routes along the spine, ending at the buttocks. Thus, it is a huge pain in the ass the causes hallucinations and paranoia.

So, the next time your doctor tells you the problem rests with your ciatic (sp.) nerve, ask him to say it again. It could be your psychotic nerve.

A second instance of the psychotic nerve is found within the White House. You see, it takes a lot of nerve just to start two wars with no way out, and to bankrupt the country in the meantime. Oh, and, by the way, it demonstrates chronic pschotic nerve to cut funding in education, spy on ordinary citizens, and try to make permanent a tax cut for the wealthy.

Now, I believe, in this instance, the psychotic nerve travels from the cerebral cortex of Karl Rove, along the spinal column of Dick Cheney, and ends in the buttocks of George W. Bush. This accounts for their collective delusional behavior.

(Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you.)

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, February 05, 2006

The gecko in all of us...

Today my wife and daughter bought a gecko. A freakin' gecko. My daughter named the gecko "Angel" - which has nothing to do with lizards or any of the myriad of reptilian species.

Geckoes are as close to a pet rock as one can get - all Geico commercials aside. I am convinced that Geico chose the gecko as its spokes-lizard only out of linguistic convenience. The gecko, by my observation, has nothing to do with insurance, doesn't represent insurance in any way, and is the last thing you would think of when thinking of insurance.

That said (and I said it, didn't I?), Angel is a pretty low maintenance pet. Eats live crickets. Crawls under a rock. Comes out to cool off. Eliminates.

Now, it's hard to imagine that as a species, the human animal is part lizard - until you realize that nearly 60 million people voted for George W. Bush a second time. This makes us a country of geckoes led by THE BIG GECKO himself.

Sources within the Whitehouse note that actually Karl Rove is the top gecko. This accounts for his uncanny ability to appeal to the gecko in so many Americans, who, in spite of what they say, spend their days under rocks and eliminating.

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, February 04, 2006

It's been awhile...

...but, I'm back. I've been working my ass off: 48 hours per week. How can anyone work so much and expect to get anything done? Got me.

So, Valentine's Day is coming up - a little bit of a letdown after Groundhog's Day, I'd say. Actually, a big letdown. After all, what is more Yeetle Worthy: giving something heart-shaped and red to a loved one, OR a groundhog predicting the weather. Hands down, ya gotta go with the groundhog.

The Yeetle Box