Thursday, May 29, 2008

Yeetle Box - Clinton in for Life

Hillary Clinton is making another pitch to all superdelegates before the last primary contests end on June 3, 2008 - or, as has been dubbed by some, HRC: The Final Campain.

In an open letter to the remaining undeclared superdelegates, she argumes she is more electable than Obama.

"Recent polls and election results show a clear trend: I am ahead in states that have been critical to victory in the past two elections. From Ohio, to Pennsylvania, to West Virginia and beyond, like Buzz Lightyear, the results of recent primaries in battleground states show that I have strong support from the regions and demographics Democrats need to take back the White House - including, dumb, white people and really dumb white people, as well as Terry McAullife.

"I am also currently ahead of Senator McCain in Gallup national tracking polls, while Senator Obama is behind him - and you can ask Larry Craig what that means. And nearly all, though not those that count, independent analyses show that I am in a stronger position to win the Electoral College, primarily because I lead Senator McCain in Florida and Ohio.

"In addition, when the primaries are finished, I expect to lead in the popular vote and in delegates earned through primaries. Of course, we do not take the caucas states seriously because they did not vote for me. Ultimately, the point of our primary process is to pick the nominee who most wants it -- the one who would be the most satisfied with the results, who has the greatest support from members of our party, and who is most likely to win (or lose) in November.

"So I hope you will consider not just the strength of the coalition backing me, but also that more people will have cast their votes for me - a coalition doomed to disintegrate should you lack a timely response to this request.

"Finally, I am in this race because I believe staying in this race will help unite the Democratic Party on my side. I believe that if Senator Obama and I both make our case -- and all Democrats have the chance to make their voices heard -- everyone will be more likely to rally around the nominee [read "me."].

In the end, I am committed to unifying this party - after January 2009. What Senator Obama and I share is so much greater than our differences; and no matter who wins this nomination, I will do everything I can to bring us together and move us forward. That's not a bad deal when you consider that I have tantrumed my way into the hearts and minds of women all across the world and beyond.

"But at this point, neither of us has crossed the finish line. He needs fewer delegates than I need to win the nomination legitimately. But this is not about legitimacy. I hope that in the time remaining, you will think hard - really, really hard - about which candidate has the best chance to lead our party to victory in November - and the numerous cabinet posts we will need to fill.

p.s. This McClelland has got me steamed. It's just a way to steal from me media attention. And I won't stand for that. Today, I have ordered my staff to assassinate McClelland so that we may more properly focus on my candidacy.

May God bless you and your families and keep them safe, and may God bless America.

Hillary Rodham Clinton
Presumptive Nominee in Waiting

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Yeetle Box - Walmart's Watermelons Sting Girl

Megan Templeton, a 12-year-old girl, picking up a seedless watermelon from a bin was stung Sunday by a tan, inch-long scorpion that had apparently stowed away in a shipment from Mexico.

Megan was taken to the hospital as a precaution but later released. Her father, William Templeton, said the pain was a little worse than a bee sting. How did he know? He did not say.

William initially did not believe his daughter when she said she had been stung by a scorpion because he had been shopping at Walmart for a very long time, and his daughter was known to have imaginary friends. Luckily, Hillary Clinton was on the scene to capture the scorpion with her bare hands under extreme pressure from customers who had voted for her earlier this month.

Richard Coyle, senior director of international affairs for Wal-Mart, said store employees believe the problem was with a single shipment of watermelons transported in a 1967 Chevy by suppliers from the US/Mexico border.

"We are very concerned," he said. "This is a very rare incident. When I spoke with the store manager, she said in her 17 years she had never heard of something like this - Mexicans shipping in scorpions, that is."

Indiana Jones footage courtesy Paramount Pictures and Walmart where you save money, live better.

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Yeetle Box - Memorial Day

In honor of our many, many veterans, and in honor of those who died in wars to protect our country, including those from the opposing camp, The Oblagotory is closed for the weekend.

Furthermore, to show our solidarity with those who have given their lives, and folliwng President Bush's lead, we, too, have given up golfing.

The Yeetle Box

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Yeetle Box - One More Super Tuesday

As Sens. Barack Obama and Hillary Rodham Clinton split the Oregon and Kentucky primaries Tuesday night, Obama proclaimed that he had won “an absolute majority” of elected Democratic delegates and was “within reach” of the Democratic presidential nomination.

But Clinton vowed to continue the fight through the last primaries in early June, “even in the face of some pretty tough odds.”

“This is one of the closest races for a party’s nominations in modern history,” Clinton told cheering supporters in Louisville. “We’re winning the popular vote, and I’m more determined than ever to see that every vote is cast and every ballot is counted. Even white racism must have a voice in this election! And I'm the candidate to give it to them.”

In an interview with MSNBC’s Chris Matthews, McAuliffe referred to surveys of voters as they left their polling places which showed Clinton running most strongly among less-educated white voters, among whom she won nearly 75 percent support.

White voters without college educations have been a bulwark of Clinton’s coalition. “We can win them back with Hillary Clinton at the top of the ticket,” he said. "But we can't win them back at all if this process is aborted by voters and superdelegates."

Kentucky has one of the least liberal electorates out of 33 competitive Democratic primaries in which exit polls were conducted this year - only about a third of voters called themselves liberal - and that, too, worked in Clinton's favor. She ran strongest among conservatives and moderates; Obama tends to do better among liberals.

Translation: Clinton got the dumb guy who's gonna vote for Mccain anyway vote; Obama got the sheepish vote.

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - OPEC New Ally In Energy Independence

In a desperate attempt to gain voter confidence that the US is doing something about energy independence and high gas prices, the House of Representatives approved legislation by a 324-84 vote on Tuesday allowing the Justice Department to sue OPEC members for limiting oil supplies and working together to set crude prices. This anti-climactic move follows a historical pattern of our government trying to look like they are doing something when they are not.

The bill would subject OPEC oil producers, including Saudi Arabia, Iran and Venezuela, to the same antitrust laws that U.S. companies must follow - even though neither Saudi Arabia nor Venezuela are not beholden to US antitrust laws and could care less what we do in the House of Representatives. Still, House members stated that after the gasoline tax holiday fiasco, they were left with no choice but to pass meaningless legislation.

"This bill guarantees that oil prices will reflect supply and demand economic rules, instead of wildly speculative and perhaps illegal activities," said Democratic Rep. Steve Kagen of Wisconsin, who sponsored the legislation.
The lawmaker said Americans "are at the mercy" of OPEC for how much they pay for gasoline, which this week hit a record average of $3.79 a gallon.

"We're just not going to take it," he said. "Our government has allowed Saudi Arabia to own 11 percent of our economy. And this is what we get in return? Shame on them. Shame on OPEC. Shame on these greedy, oil-mongers! We want our oil, and we want it now! The American people have purchased SUV after SUV, and this is what they get for it? Not under my watch!"

Rep. Kagen did not address the obvious fact that OPEC is comprised on nations not beholden to US laws, and that the US has entered into these agreements willingly.

The White House, wise in economics and, in particular, energy, opposes the bill, saying that targeting OPEC investment in the United States as a source for damage awards "would likely spur retaliatory action against American interests in those countries and lead to a reduction in oil available to U.S. refiners."

Said President Bush in a lecturing sort of way, "We're a free country. A free people. And so is the Saudis. We and them are free peoples. We have the free markets. We need to be free. Free to follow our interests without damaging the interests of others who are allies in the war on terror. Except for bin Laden. He's not free. And he hates freedom."

Some Washington insiders have hinted that, perhaps, President Bush has a love interest in Saudi government officials and a deep admiration for their manipulation of oil supplies.

President Bush looked wistfully at his daughter's wedding photos. "After Jenna was married, I got to thinking about my own future. The future of my love for oil and energy. I thought about the Saudis. I thought about the Saudis a lot."

The Yeetle Box

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Yeetle Box - こんにちはキティ

Toyotas, Hondas, robotics, sushi - Japan's popular exports into Western culture are numerous.

Now, Hello Kitty, or, as known to the Japanese, こんにちはキティ— Japan's ubiquitous ambassador of cute and global marketing phenom. Fashion diva. Pop culture icon. Ridiculous cartoon character.

The tourism ministry of Japan named Hello Kitty as its choice to represent the country in China and Hong Kong, where the Kitty enjoys great popularity among children and young women in an effort to boost tourism into Japan and help Japan meet its goal of attracting 10 million overseas visitors every year under the "Visit Japan" campaign.

Sanrio Co. President Shintaro Tsuji called Hello Kitty's new appointment "an honor" and pledged to "work hard to attract many visitors."

Apparently, Japan does not feel they have received the "bump" they need from their current goodwill ambassadors: Korean singer Younha, Japanese actress Yoshino Kimura and Japanese pop/rock duo Puffy AmiYumi.

Hello Kitty is the first fictional character to achieve ambassador status, following blue robo-cat Doraemon as Japan's "anime ambassador."

Hello Kitty isn't even Japanese. She lives in the suburbs outside London with her father, George White; mother, Mary White; and twin sister, Mimmy White. Her birth certificate reads Kitty White.

Other occupants of the White house include Bear, a living teddy, and Moley, who pops up in the garden. Much has been made of Hello Kitty's mouth, or lack thereof. A handful of feminist scholars say her non communicative nature perpetuates the submissive female archetype, while others attribute Hello Kitty's appeal to her blank stare -- onto which fans can project their own emotions.

According to Hello Kitty's official bio, "Kitty is a cheerful, warm-hearted little girl. Baking cookies is her forte, but what she enjoys most is eating a slice of Mama's apple pie!" Her favorite things include candy, stars, and goldfish, as well as the inevitable "small, cute things." Hello Kitty is in third grade. She weighs the same as three apples and stands five apples tall. Her blood type is A.

Hello Kitty turned 34 in 2008, although, strangely, she remains a kitten. In 1993, Hello Kitty found a boyfriend, a similar-looking kitty named Dear Daniel. The two playmates rarely rendezvous, however, because Daniel is perpetually on African safari with his family (dad is a photographer).

No worries, correspondence is a Hello Kitty mainstay, hence her fondness for stationery. Other members of her social circle include the teen bunny Kathy, brother and sister monkeys Timmy and Tammy, and boy puppy Jody.

The Paparazzi have been scouring England and Japan for a photo of Kitty and Daniel.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Yeetle Box - This Man Walks Into The NRA...

While speaking to the NRA this past Friday, Mike Huckabee (you do remember him, right?) made an attempt at humor. Not unusual for the man who is known for his witticisms and self-deprecating ways. So what did that crazy Huckabee say this time?

While Huckabee spoke, he heard a noise offstage, which he quickly quipped was Barack Obama falling off a chair. Huckabee knew that joke did not have legs. He knew his audience. He knew what he had to do.

While the NRA audience chuckled, the quick-witted Huckabee made the comic decision to take the joke to the next level - a common comedic strategy. The first line always sets up the second line - and gets the bigger laugh.

He added, "Somebody aimed a gun at him, and he dove for the floor."

Deafening silence followed. The Huckabee they knew would have produced a much better line that that. After all, it's easy to makes jokes about black people being shot. Even black comedians do it.

So where did Huckabee go wrong?

Essentially, the problem with the joke is not so much that it spoke to the stereotypical black man getting shot, as Huckabee failed to include the details necessary to make the gun-toting audience feel comfortable about the shooting itself.

A much better line would have been, "Hillary just shot Obama." He would drawn upon an existing and identifiable conflict divorced from the NRA itself or from any stereotypes of black men being shot because the idea of Hillary Clinton shooting Barrack Obama is plausible.

Nonetheless, no-Luck-Huck later tried to make amends with this apology:

"I made an off hand remark that was in no way intended to offend or disparage Sen. Obama. Admittedly, I did say he was ducking from gunfire, but that in no was meant as offensive or disparaging. Now, if I had said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, Obama 'has been shot!' That would have been offensive, but not disparaing. If I had said, 'My God, I didn't think they would really shoot Obama.' That would have been offensive, too. Disparaging would be saying something like 'Obama's now dead. Let me be the first to announce Hillary Clinton as the Democratic nominee for president.' I think that's disparaging."

Huckabee did accomplish something, however. He reinforced the stereotype of gun owners as deranged lunatics looking for someone to shoot. A silver lining in every cloud...

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Yeetle Box - "The Extraterrestrial Is My Brother"

According to the Vatican's chief astronomer, Reverend Jose Gabriel Funes, a Jesuit priest and head of the Vatican Observatory and scientific advisor to Pope Benedict, there is no conflict between believing in God AND in the possibility of "extraterrestrial brothers."

"Why can't we speak of a 'brother extraterrestrial'? It would still be part of creation," he said.

Almost immediately after hearing the announcement, The Doobie Brothers joined together one more time to record "E.T. is Just All Right With Me."

Following suit, Brett James, the ASCAP's 2006 Songwriter of the Year for "Jesus, Take The Wheel," quickly re-wrote his award-winning song, now entitled "James T. Kirk, Take The Wheel."

Not to be outdone, rumors have been flying that Andrew Lloyd Webber, Baron Lloyd-Webber (above), composer of many popular musicals, including "Jesus Christ Superstar," is mulling over the idea of bringing back the cast from the popular musical to record and film an updated version: "Jean Luc Picard, Starship Captain."

The Yeetle Box

Friday, May 16, 2008

Yeetle Box - Another Reason To Visit Iceland

Sigurdur Hjartarson is missing a human penis. But he's not worried: four men have promised to donate theirs to him when they die - or sooner, if the price is right.

Hjartarson (pronounced H-jar-tar-son) is founder and owner of the Icelandic Phallological Museum. The museum, open to the world, provides curious visitors a close-up look at the long and the short of the male reproductive organ - or "dicks," as they said in Iceland.

His collection, which began in 1974 with a single bull's penis that looked something like a riding crop, now boasts 261 preserved members from 90 species. That is a lot of penises to store.

The largest penis in the museum is from a sperm whale, weighing in at 154 pounds and 5.58 feet long. The smallest, a hamster penis bone, is a mere 2 mm and must be viewed through a magnifying glass. In a head-to-head competition, the sperm whale wins decisively in terms of size and strength. However, the hamster penis wins in speed and accuracy.

Mr. Hjartarson, for reasons we cannot understand, lacks a human penis. But that may soon be rectified since a German, an American, an Icelander and a Briton have promised to donate their penises after death, according to certificates on display.

The American, 52-year-old Stan Underwood, supplied a written description of his penis -- which he purportedly nick-named "Elmo" -- for display alongside a life-size plastic mould of the member as well as his pledge to donate it.

"I, Stan Underwood, being of sound mind and body, hereby will unto the Penis Man, my penis upon my death. It is to be severed after my funeral and before my burial and shipped to Iceland where it will be displayed prominently next to the sperm whale's penis."

Hjartarson said the Icelandic donor, a 93-year-old from nearby Akureyri, was a womanizer in his youth who thought having his penis in the collection might bring him eternal fame since it did not bring him any fame during his life. However, his penis is not a shoe-in.

"He has mentioned that his penis is shrinking as he gets older, and he is worried it might not make a proper exhibit," Hjartarson said, shaking his head with sadness.

The museum, originally opened in Reykjavik in 1997, has now moved to the quiet fishing village of Husavik, 298 miles northeast of the capital. Husavik is known for how quiet it is.

Open from May to September, it is housed in a plain brown building, wrapped in a plain brown wrapper, the entrance marked by a tall brown phallus near the door and a penis-shaped sign over the front porch. Just like any other modern museum.

60 percent of the museum's visitors are women. Duh!

"We had 6,000 visitors last summer and actually made a profit," Hjartarson said with a smile.

The specimens, most of which were donated by fishermen, hunters and biologists, are kept in glass jars of formaldehyde or dried and mounted on the wall, creating an atmosphere that is part science lab, part trophy room.

Hjartarson has paid for only one -- an elephant penis nearly 1 meter long that hangs, stuffed and mounted on a wooden board, in the museum's "foreign section." The "foreign section" is dedicated to "foreign" penises, defying traditional theory that all penises from whatever species are, indeed, "foreign."

He said he began collecting penises 24 years ago, when working as a school administrator, something the Icelandic school did not think was unusual, odd or, in any way, worth investigating. He never imagined in his wildest fantasies he would one day be running a museum devoted to penises.

"It was just a hobby," he said. "Something I just fiddled around with late at night or when I was not at church."

"I hope visitors leave the museum in a better mood than when they arrived," he said. "I know that I do every day, gazing upon these penises for hours. They are really quite remarkable and beautiful," he added, stroking the blue whale penis, shoving his free hand into his pocket.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Yeetle Box - Clinton Wins Small In West Virginia

Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton coasted to a large victory in West Virginia on Tuesday, handing Barack Obama one of his worst defeats of the campaign yet scarcely slowing his march toward the Democratic presidential nomination as he did not compete in the state's primary.

"The White House is won in the swing states. And I am winning the swing states," Clinton told cheering supporters and superdelegates at a victory rally late Tuesday.

Clinton, who was winning the state by more than a 2-to-1 ratio, coupled praise with Obama with a pledge to persevere in a campaign in which she has become the decided underdog - and rightfully so as she has absolutely no chance of winning the nomination.

“I am more determined than ever to carry on this campaign, until everyone has had a chance to hear my voice,” she yelled at the audience.

As in previous contests, she made another plea for donations to overcome the large fund-raising advantage that Obama has - by about $40 million to Clinton's - $20 million.

"Don't be fooled by Obama's fundraising abilities," she squawked, her voice hoarse from constantly yelling loud enough to be heard around the world. "Don't be fooled that hardworking, white workers who have lost their jobs can't fork over a few bucks for a fighter like me."

Exit polls with West Virginians leaving their polling places was delivered by an electorate that was 95 percent white and was composed of the kinds of voters who favored her in past primaries - stupid. Nearly a quarter had no education beyond high school.

"Say what you will," said one Clinton support, "but she's [Clinton's] the kind of Ivy League alumnus we can get behind. She's tough. She's real tough. And she's oblivious to facts."

Even before the polls closed, spokesman Mo Elleithee said the primary showed voters "don't want to be told that this thing is over. They don't watch the news or read newspapers. They are her base. And her base doesn't need the media telling them when it's over. They sent a very clear message tonight that Hillary Clinton is the best person to take on John McCain in the fall - should he live that long."

Clinton won a whopping 16 of the 28 delegates at stake in West Virginia and Obama won at least seven, with five more to be allocated.

Current tally? Obama - 1,882.5 delegates. Clinton 1,713 delegates. 2,026 needed to clinch the nomination at the party convention in Denver this summer.

Nevertheless, Clinton's aides contend that her strength with blue-collar voters — already demonstrated in primaries in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Indiana — makes her the more electable candidate in the fall - among white blue collar voters.

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - When Snails Attack

A sloth named Herman was walking through the forest when a gang of snails approached him and beat him up. He was left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathered up enough strength to go to a local police station.

Herman walked into the Sergeant's office.

"What happened to you? the officer asked.

"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.

"Can you describe what they looked like?"

"I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."

Monday, May 12, 2008

Yeetle Box - Bill Clinton Boils Over

How do you know when your campaign is just about over? When your husband is a former president and is arguing with voters in West Virginia.

While campaigning in Fayetteville, WestVirginia., Bill Clinton argued with an audience member over claims made by Hillary Clinton that she improved health care during his administration. Of course she did not.

But, what does Bill say?

Millions of documents? Rallies?

47 million without helath insurance, Bill.

Craziest thing you ever heard, Bill? How about this, Bill?

"It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is. If the--if he--if 'is' means is and never has been, that is not--that is one thing. If it means there is none, that was a completely true statement....Now, if someone had asked me on that day, are you having any kind of sexual relations with Ms. Lewinsky, that is, asked me a question in the present tense, I would have said no. And it would have been completely true."

Oh, Bill, remember the good ol' days?

I know you do.

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Yeetle Box - APA Endorses Obama; Diagnosed Clinton

The American Psychiatric Association (APA) issued a statement today endorsing Senator Barrack Obama as sane while, in the same statement, diagnosed Senator Hillary Clinton and her campaign staff with "delusions of grandeur," typically seen in persons with schizophrenia.

This critical endorsement for Obama couple with this diagnosis of Clinton and her campaign was a startling blow to the Clinton campaign, which issued the following statement:

"The APA is an elitist group and is not part of the hard-working, white, blue collar base to which we have addressed our campaign."

In addition, Terry McAuliffe was noted as showing symptoms of extreme denial, of the precursor to a deep, and possibly, suicidal depression. "Technically," said a spokesperson for the APA, "Mr. McAuliffe appears to suffer from bipolar disorder. Currently, he is in a prolonged manic phase which, inevitably, will lead to a deep, psychotic depression. We are quite concerned about the mental health of Senator Clinton and her campaign officials."

As evidence, the APA produced this video from Meet the Press.

This is the first time the APA has endorsed a political candidate for any office. Senator Obama's campaign sent a thank you letter to the APA with a pitch for a donation.

"We're not saying they [the Clinton campaign] is nuts. We're just saying they could use a long rest from the rigors of campaigning."

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Yeetle Box - Jenna, Limestone, and Henry

President George W. Bush's daughter Jenna tonight will marry the son of a prominent Virginia Republican at the president's ranch in Crawford, Texas, under a limestone cross made from Texas limestone.


Texas limestone looks like this.

Texas limestone has an approval rating among sensible people of just under 11 percent. President Bush hopes the decision to choose Texas limestone as the materials out of which the altar has been constructed will demonstrate to the American people that he is a kinder, gentler father.

In spite of that, Jenna Bush, 26, will marry 30-year-old Henry Hager, a business school student and son of former Virginia Lieutenant Governor John Hager. They will marry at an altar made of Texas limestone.

The wedding will take place beside a manmade lake on Bush's 1,600-acre ranch in Crawford, under an altar made of Texas limestone in a ceremony that the Bush family and aides say emphasizes the bride's Texas roots rather than the White House glamor where her parents now live. (Glamor?)

Who is this Hager fellow anyway?

Well, let's see what we got:

  • Birth: May 9, 1978. That makes him 30 years old as of yesterday. This family has "celebrated" a birthday, a wedding, and Mother's Day all in one weekend. That makes them crazy.

    Parents: Henry and Margaret Chase Hager. Father is chairman of Republican Party in Virginia, former lieutenant governor in Virginia and former assistant secretary of Education Department. A lifelong athlete, Menry Hager, Sr. has competed in many wheelchair races.

    Education: 1996 graduate of St. Christopher’s School, a college preparatory school for boys in Richmond, Va.; earned undergraduate degree from Wake Forest University in 2000; to receive master’s degree on May 18 from University of Virginia’s Darden School of Business. Received an abundance of "gentleman's C's."

    Employment: White House aide to former Bush political adviser Karl Rove; worked on President Bush’s re-election campaign in 2004; aide to Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez; summer intern for ConocoPhillips in Houston. Most Washington insiders believe that marrying Jenna Bush is his most shrewd business move in his young career. Many believe that the tutelage of Karl Rove was instrumental in this decision. Karl Rove has an approval rating of 0.

    Future plans: Move to Baltimore to work for Constellation Energy, a power company based there.

    Constellation Energy is an integrated energy company operating in all areas of the energy value chain. We generate, transmit and deliver energy, help customers manage their energy costs and usage, and buy and manage fuels for other power generators. We’re the No. 1 supplier of electricity, a leading supplier of natural gas in competitive markets and largest wholesale power
    provider in North America. We own a diversified, nationwide fleet of power plants, and deliver electricity and natural gas to consumers and businesses in Central Maryland through our regulated utility, the Baltimore Gas and Electric Company (BGE). Number 119 on the Fortune 500 list, our combined revenues in 2006 totaled $19.3 billion.
He's an energetic fellow filled with energy, energy, energy. And, he is not arguing over the choice of Texas limestone.

Limestone. Texas limestone.

Texas limestone versus the White House.
Hands down: Texas limestone.

Friday, May 09, 2008

Yeetle Box - McCain's Happy Mother's Day

Why you should vote for Mccain:

McCain does not pander for votes.

He loves his mom.

He is a war hero.

Ummm.... (I'm thinking.)

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Yeetle Box - Virgin Mary Scar!

A Monterey, California man says he can see the image of the Virgin Mary in his leg after a motorcycle accident.
Marc Lipton said he was riding his motorcycle when he lost control and slid about 50 feet along the road. He speculates that Satan had kicked his motorcycle because he had that night denounced Satan and his legion.

Lipton said he wasn't wearing leather chaps at the time because he was close to home - which is within the boundaries of the law in California.
Lipton said he believes the Virgin Mary protected him from further injury when the motorcycle slid out from underneath him.

"I was shocked," he said. "There, in front of me was Mary. And I know she's a virgin. We always kid her about being the Virgin Mary, but this time, I don't know. Maybe she is."

The Roman Catholic Church has very strict guidelines regarding what is deemed an official sighting of the Virgin Mary, including the image must be of someone named Mary, and the image must be a virgin. In addition, the sighting must have occured while riding a motorcycle, resulting in a scar to the leg.

There has been no word on if the Diocese of Monterey will investigate Lipton's leg as a legitimate apparition of the Virgin Mary. However, spokespersons close to the Vatican noted that the Pope was intrigued by the story because he is an avid motorcyclist.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Yeetle Box - Inside the Clinton Campaign

Wednesday, May 7, 2008, 3:00 a.m.

After receiving the results of the son of Super Tuesday in Indiana and North Carolina, the Clinton campaign reviews its strategy going forward. Hiring a consult with vast experience in comeback wins and re-inventing reality, Hillary Clinton is convinced that this new campaign consultant provides the solution for the remaining primary season that will lead her to victory!

Arguing the while the "kitchen sink" strategy was helpful, the consultant decided the superdelegates needed something novel to swing Senator Clinton's way.

Let's watch.

The Yeetle Box

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Yeetle Box - Just Another Super Tuesday

It's 3 a.m. The phone is ringing. Something horrible is going on in the world. Who will answer the call?


In two states, Indiana and North Carolina, voters will witness the horror of an ancient battle
between two forces locked in an eternal death match (IN A STEEL CAGE!) as they attempt to win over the citizens to their sides. One way promises 18 cents per gallon. The other, a thing called "hope." One way leads to a black man, the other to a white woman. There's nothing the citizens can do to stop them.

Or is there?

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, May 04, 2008

Yeetle Box - MJ Considers Indian Citizenship

Muslims in western India have been observing a bizarre ritual - they've been throwing their young children off a tall building to improve their health. Presumably, the children's health.

The faithful have been observing the ritual at a shrine in Solapur, in western India's Maharastra, for more than five hundred years. They believe it will make their children strong and say no accidents have ever happened because everything is an act of God, thus, cannot be an accident.

Michael Jackson, according to sources hardly very close to the pop icon, speculate that Michael Jackson is interested in obtaining citizenship in India.

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - Dino Dung Dollars

A pile of dinosaur dung 130 million years old sold at a New York auction this week for nearly $1,000. The prehistoric deposit fetched $960, said a spokeswoman for Bonhams New York.

The fossilized dung is from the Jurassic era, the auction house said. It looks like a rock on the outside and a colorful mineral inside. And we know you're wondering about this — the fossilized feces is odorless.

The buyer was Steve Tsengas of Fairport Harbor, Ohio. The 71-year-old owns OurPets, a company that sells products to treat dog and cat waste. Mr Tsengas also goes by the name "Dr. Steve." "Dr. Steve" derviced his title from his degree in natural health and nutrition - degrees particularly useful in the pet crap business.

After winning the bid, Tsengas, 71, spent the day talking about ancient excrement with newspapers, television networks and radio programs around the globe. "Who knew that old poop was that interesting?" Tsengas said. "Dr. Steve knew!"

Members of the media nodded their heads in agreement. "Poop, especially old poop," said one reporter, "is what we in the media are all about. This is a perfect story for us."

Tsengas intends to keep the treasures on an office conference table. (The message to staff? "Think poop," he said.) The finds also will hit the road for display at trade shows. Staff from OurPets are less than enthusiastic.

Said one senior executive, "Shit. That's all it is. Just old shit. How am I supposed to come to work each day, pass by a huge pile of shit, and do my job? Shit is more properly displayed at the retail level."

"Poop," said Tsengas, "is a big business in the pet industry."

Well, discarding of it, anyway, shithead.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Yeetle Box - Former DNC Chairmen Whine To Superdelegates

Senator Hillary Clinton's campaign released a letter from a group of other former party chairs, who argue that she would have a better chance of defeating Sen. John McCain in the general election than would Sen. Barack Obama and urged superdelegates to support her...just because.

The letter, addressed to members of the Democratic National Committee, came a day after Joe Andrew, who led the DNC during Bill Clinton's presidency, switched his support from the senator from New York to Obama. Andrew said it is time to bring the nomination battle to a close to avoid damaging the party's chances of winning in November.

The letter came hours after the Obama campaign announced that another former DNC chair, Paul G. Kirk Jr., had endorsed the senator from Illinois.

The Clinton campaign has argued vigorously that THIS letter should persuade superdelegates to side with her or she will continue her campaign well after January 2009.

Campaign insiders hinted that Senator Clinton has reached a transformative point in her life, grounded in running for office as her life's purpose and cause. They were quick to point out that just as Mother Theresa had no delusions of ending poverty, still, she made her life's work by helping the impoverished.

Mother Theresa rose from her grave and slapped Senator Clinton in the face.

The "new" letter pointed to Hillary Clinton's victories in some of the biggest states as evidence of her broad appeal and said she has demonstrated the kind of support critical to winning a general election - pledged delegates and popular vote and number of contests won aside.

"Her base of support includes women, Hispanics, seniors, Catholics, middle and low income Americans, and rural, suburban and urban voters," the former party leaders wrote. "We like to call her the Senior Senator Senorita (may God bless her soul) Maria. That's a formidable coalition, and we're not even counting Asians or African-Americans! This coalition of the unwilling tailor-made for victory in a November general election - or sooner. We know they will vote for her. We pray they will vote for her. In fact, once you see the light, the vision of a woman forever hounding you to vote for her, you tend to say to yourself, 'FOR ALL THAT IS GOOD AND DECENT, PLEASE, GOD, GIVE HER THE NOMINATION AND END OUR MISERY FOREVER!'"

The letter ends cryptically.

"p.s. We're being held hostage in a basement in a building in Harlem, and Bill is doing funny things with his finger."

"p.p.s. Hillary doesn't approve this message. Not really."

The signatories, all previously announced Clinton supporters, and, therefore, not surprising nor interesting, were:


Pennsylvania Gov. Edward Rendell, Clinton campaign chairman
Terence R. McAuliffe
Don Fowler
Kenneth Curtis
Charles Manatt
Debra DeLee
Steven Grossman and
the family of the late Ron Brown
Abraham Lincoln
Omar Sharif
Fred Flintstone and

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Yeetle Box - Beyond PETA

Art critics are scratching their heads, as an exhibition introducing Germans infected with lice opens in central Israel.

A group of young German artists are trying to stretch the boundaries of art by living in an Israeli museum for three weeks with lice in their hair.

The head lice had no comment.

The Yeetle Box