Saturday, January 24, 2009

Yeetle Box - Nigeria Gets Its Goat

Police in Nigeria are holding a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.

Vigilantes took the black and white beast to the police saying it was an armed robber who had used black magic to transform himself into a goat to escape arrest after trying to steal a Mazda 323.

"The group of vigilante men came to report that while they were on patrol they saw some hoodlums attempting to rob a car. They pursued them. However, one of them escaped while the other turned into a goat," Kwara state police spokesman Tunde Mohammed bleated.

"We cannot confirm the story, but the goat is in our custody. We cannot base our information on something mystical. It is something that has to be proved scientifically, that a human being turned into a goat," he said. "We have ordered DNA tests."

Residents came to the police station to see the goat, photographed in one national newspaper on its knees next to a pile of straw.

The Nigerian Dwarf Goat Association has been contacted to help rescue the goat-man.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Yeetle Box - National No More Bush Day

Today is National No More Bush Day - a holiday in which we celebrate the departure of George W. Bush for the rest of our lives.

History books will show that George W. Bush was a tad better than most third world dictators! An accomplishment indeed.

On this holiday, we reflect on the historic accomplishments of George W. Bush's presidency.

Some activities which will help you and your family get the most from this holiday include:

  • Shoot the possum
  • Draw Texas
  • Document Shredding
  • Invade Your Neighbor
  • Dubya Chanting
  • Mission Accomplished
  • Turn to the Right
  • Drop the Dow
  • Match the Threat With the Color
  • Kiss a Saudi
  • Find the Rice
and of course, to commemorate W's Vice President, the classic children's games,
  • Pin the Tail on the Quail and
  • Mushroom Cloud
The traditional holiday meal consists of crow, hotdogs, and the breakfast burrito. Traditional drinks include beer, light beer, and moonshine.

Enjoy National No More Bush Day, and remember, stay secure on this holiday.

The YeetleMaster

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Yeetle Box - When Bipartisanship Goes Bad

CCongressional Democrats, in an effort to make good on Barack Obama's pledge to provide millions more American children with health care coverage, has some crazy Republicans accusing Democrats of breaking the president-elect's promise - of bipartisanship.

The health legislation would provide insurance coverage for an additional 4.1 million children, reducing the number of uninsured in the country by nearly half, according to FamiliesUSA, a nonprofit healthcare consumer group. (Bet they're not bipartisan!)
Currently nearly 7 million children are enrolled in the program. The increased spending for the expanded program will be financed by a 61-cents-a-pack increase in the federal cigarette tax. Taxes on other tobacco products would be increased as well. Republicans argue that consumers should pay the new taxes using a combination of coins depicting each president equally.

The Senate is expected to act quickly on the legislation, which could become one of the first bills Obama signs into law after taking office on Tuesday.

However, Senate Finance Committee Republicans said legislation approved by the committee on Thursday that would expand a popular children's health insurance program violated a spirit of bipartisanship that went into earlier versions of the legislation.

This bears repeating.

Senate Finance Committee Republicans said legislation approved by the committee on Thursday that would expand a popular children's health insurance program violated a spirit of bipartisanship that went into earlier versions of the legislation.

Get it? Republicans from the committee that passed the bill are opposed to the passage of the bill because not enough Republicans voted for it.

Do I need to repeat this? Good.

"That spirit of bipartisan partnership for low-income children appears to be disappearing before our very eyes. It's being replaced with partisan exploitation" said Sen. Charles Grassley of Iowa, the top Republican on the usually collegial Finance Committee.

He called it "damn disgusting." He noted that children have lived without health insurance since the dawn of time and the bill - though back by other Republicans - did not fit the sniff test for bipartisanship. "Bipartisanship means that I agree with the bill, too," grumbled Grassley, whose name seems appropriate for his district.

Grassley said many Republicans (including he) will not be able to support the current children's health bill and that the way the Democratic majority handled the current bill "does not bode well" for how they will act on other major issues such as the broad health care reform promised by Obama. "Bottom line: if I don't sign off on it, it's not bipartisan. If it's not bipartisan, then it's a broken campaign promise. If it's a broken campaign promise, then we have grounds for Obama's impeachment. Period."

Republicans also opposed an amendment that would drop a five-year ban on providing the children's health benefit to legal immigrants, which Sen. Pat Roberts of Kansas called a "poison pill" that injects immigration, a divisive issue for Republicans, into the children's health debate. "Imagine the message this will send to illegal immigrants!"

"We've been thrown underneath the bus," Roberts said. "Thrown in front of a train. Hung out to dry. Ignored. I want my mommy."

The immigration provision brings the Senate bill more in line with a bill approved on Wednesday by the U.S. House of Representatives on a vote of 289-139. Forty Republicans joined majority Democrats in passing the bill.
But that's just not bipartisan enough for some folks.
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid spokesman Jim Manley called the Republican charge that Democrats were playing politics with the children's health bill "ridiculous." He pointed to the number of Republicans voting for the House bill and said there was no reason the Senate version could not enjoy Republican support.

"They're just acting like big babies so they can qualify for the benefits of this new plan," said Reid.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Yeetle Box - Virgin Mary, Supermodel

Ricardo Oyarzun, a prominent fashion designer, has sparked outrage (OUTRAGE, I SAY!) in Chile by dressing up models like the Virgin Mary -- in some cases with ample, near-naked breasts. (NEAR-NAKED BREASTS!)

The Roman Catholic Church condemned Ricardo Oyarzun's plans for a show featuring the models on the same day the Pope declared that persons who claimed to see images of Jesus on toast were heretics.

Oyarzun said he had received telephone threats and had excrement smeared on his doorstep - apparently NOT from someone who has appreciated his work. A woman maybe? A Catholic woman?

"There is no pornography here, there's no sex, there are no virgins menstruating (VIRGINS MENSTRUATING? HUH?) or feeling each other up," Oyarzun said ahead of the catwalk show set to be held at a Santiago nightclub later on Thursday. "This is artistic expression."

He said his designs -- which include halos, look as though they come from a nativity scene and include religious icons -- were inspired by the Virgin Mary but not intended to represent her. "I guess every time you depict a woman with a halo in a nativity scene people automatically assume you're making a religious statement. I spit on these self-proclaimed critics of the arts!"

Said Chile's Episcopal Conference, which includes Catholic bishops: "We look on with special pain (SPECIAL PAIN?) and deplore those acts which seek to tarnish manifestations of sincere love toward the Virgin Mary, which end up striking at the dignity of womankind by presenting her as an object of consumption as Jesus did."

The show is more evidence that Chile, heavily influenced by the church for decades, is shaking off its reputation as one of the most socially conservative countries in Latin America - perhaps in the Northern Hemisphere. Or the world!

Disclaimer: Any objections to this article, sincere or not, should be directed to Eminence Pope Benedict XVI, Vatican City, Vatican along with pictures of altar boys.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Yeetle Box - They Fought the Law...

Edward R. Pluhar Jr. of Frankfort cut to the front of the line at the Wal-Mart service desk Sunday - ahead of Officer Chris Kirby, who was off-duty.

Kirby said Edward R. Pluhar, Jr. refused when asked to wait his turn. Pluhar's father, 61-year-old Edward R. Pluhar Sr., then asked Kirby if he wanted to step outside. That's when Kirby reportedly told the men he was a police officer. That is also when Pluhar, Sr. said, "So what?"

The two men went into the parking lot where they scuffled. In Indiana, scuffling is a form of physical combat in which one party attempts to subdue another party through a series of actions resembling a fist fight.

After some scuffling, other officers arrived and arrested both Pluhars - Jr. and Sr. They did not arrest their fellow officer.

Pluhar Sr., however, gave a different version of events leading up to his arrest.

"There's a helluva lot more to the story," he said. "More than you can imagine."

Accordng to Pluhar, Sr., his son had waited in line for 25 minutes once and been sent by a clerk to exchange an item. When he returned, Pluhar Sr. said the clerk waved his son to the front of the line, and Kirby objected loudly, showing off his badge and proclaiming he was the strongest police officer in the galaxy.

He said his son tried to explain the situation politely, but Kirby insulted him, then took a roundhouse swing at him, grabbed his purchase and smashed it onto the floor into small bits - at which point Pluhar Sr. asked Kirby to step outside - meaning, please leave the building, sir. But Kirby laughed at him and poked him in the eye with his middle finger. Pluhar Sr. also denied Kirby's claim that the older man threatened to shoot him. He said he and his son tried to walk away from the confrontation, but Kirby followed them outside with a pit bull.

"What I did was wrong, but that doesn't make what he did right," Pluhar said. "In Muncie, we call that a draw."

Edward R. Pluhar Jr. was preliminarily charged with battery on a police officer, while his father was arrested on charges of intimidation and criminal recklessness with a weapon.

Police said Pluhar backed into Kirby's leg as he attempted to leave the parking lot while Kirby was standing behind the vehicle, which against the rules of scuffling.

The YeetleMaster

Saturday, January 10, 2009

The Yeetle Box - The Somewhat Eternal Flame

An "eternal" flame at Bullhead City's new veterans memorial park that only lasted until city officials received a $961 gas bill has been re-lit following complaints by veterans groups.

The Medal of Honor Memorial (left) at the Arizona Veterans Memorial Park alongside the Colorado River was lit on Veterans Day in November. When the bill arrived in late December, city officials were stunned.

"It caught us by surprise," City Manager Tim Ernster said Thursday. "What we decided to do for the time being is to turn the flame on ... for special events, for Veterans Day, Fourth of July, Memorial Day, Ash Wednesday, Alternative Energy Steering Committee meeting, and National Spay Day - those types of activities."

The flame was extinguished on Monday to the chagrin of city officials and disgruntled veterans who had worked to pay for and build the memorial before turning it over to the city.

The flame was back on by midmorning Friday following a meeting of city officials.

"What happened was really a miscommunication," city spokesman Steve Johnson said. "The issue came up one day, and it was never intended to be shut off - unless the bill was way too high for eternity."

Johnson said the flame is impressive, but not so impressive to justify the cost. City parks officials are looking at ways to put a smaller burner in place and only use the larger one at special events - a smaller burner such as a Bic lighter, sternos, or even city officials gathered around lighting matches.

"We're looking at alternatives, because $1,000 a month in these economic times is certainly a consideration," Johnson said. "Our eternal flame has definitely gone green."

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Yeetle Box - NRA Gives President's Award to Child

An Ohio boy, 4, apparently angry at 17-year-old Nathan Beavers for having such a ridiculous name and for telling him that the Disney Channel was a front for child prostitution, loaded a shotgun and fired it at Nathan, spraying pellets in his arm and leg. The children were in their grandmother's home at the time of the incident. Beavers is recovering at Ohio State University Medical Center in Columbus.

The boy is in the custody of his parents "until we see what the prosecutor wants to do," Jackson County Sheriff's Chief Deputy Jim Ephlin said. "He's the guy calling the shots right now."

Prosecutor Jonathan Blanton said the shooting had a "weird, weird set of facts," not the least of which was the age of the boy, adding he doubted the 4-year-old would end up in the juvenile justice system over the Sunday incident at grandma's house. "I highly doubt it," said Blanton. "But I've never prosecuted a 4-year old boy, either."

The boy's father said counseling was being arranged for his son, adding he was shocked his son knew how to load and fire the shotgun. "Sure we let him watch, but we didn't know he was taking notes," said the father.

"It was an accident. He just thought it was another toy gun," the father said. "Yea, that's it. An accident. Thought it was a toy."

The President of the NRA presented the lad with the NRA Presidents Award - an award given to a person or persons who have contributed their time, knowledge, and support to assure NRA fulfills its mission.

Oddly, the ghost of Charleton Heston appeared to shake the boy's hand, then as quickly disappeared.

Friday, January 02, 2009

Yeetle Box - 2009 Predictions

Predictions for 2009
Accurate. Reliable. Made up.
  • There will be an assassination attempt on Barack Obama. Looks like this one may have happened before the 2009 date predicted. There was a neo-nazi assassination plot foiled on 27th October 2008. It still counts since I did not know of the attempt before now.

  • There will be serious tensions within Europe as the Euro free falls with both France and Germany threatening to leave and form their own Super European Union.

  • Gordon Brown will be forced out of office and an early election will be called. People all over the country will believe Gordon Brown is a Country and Western singer and will revolt in droves, staging a massive sit-in in Nashville.

  • A number of C of E bishops and senior ecclesiastical leaders convert to Catholicism simultaneously threatening to undermine the very existence of the church. The Catholic church will approach the U.S. government for a bailout.

  • There is a world wide rekindling of socialist ideals and a major swing back towards communism in Russia - as has always been the case.

  • There will be a major terrorist attack in Dubai or some other place.

  • There will be a serious pollution problem in France – possibly in Paris with the contamination of the River Seine where a serious pollution problem already exists. Also a dam will burst in the Far East – maybe China. Not a large dam, but a dam nonetheless. I'm seeing beavers...

  • Britain sees many of its top companies go bust and in particular holiday firms, aviation companies and the building companies. Given the global recession, this prediction is a stretch.

  • Victoria Beckham will become pregnant with a long awaited daughter. And Jordan will announce she’s pregnant too. As will many other women.

  • There will be a knife attack on a top celebrity - or not.

Have a great 2009!

The YeetleMaster