Monday, December 31, 2007

Yeetle Box - 2008: Year of the Moronic

Yes. That's right. I predict 2008 to be the Year of the Moron. Why? Because, I do.

And, because George W. Bush is leaving office soon. And that means somebody else has looked at this huge mess we call our government and decided he or she can fix it.

So, here are my predictions:

  • President: Hillary Clinton. Say what you want, she has Bill on her side. And Bill is the comeback kid.
  • Vice President: Not much speculation here, but I'm going with John Edwards. Why? Because his good looks will keep Bill at bay and give Hillary someone to point to if Bill should get frisky.
  • Univeral Health Care will not emerge. Hillary does not support it - not really. She supports healthcare for everyone, but not if it means losing the support of pharm and insurance and others. She's a realist. Old school, but a realist.
  • Economy will enter a 2-year recession.
  • Troops will be in Iraq throughout Hillary's term in office.

Finally, I must say, in all honesty, that my predictions never come true. That said, I also predict that the moronic (i.e. those with moron tendencies) will control all natural resources by 2010. Oh, and look for a celebration on September 11, 2011. We like to celebrate things, ya know.

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, December 29, 2007

Yeetle Box - Glory Smoke

A bar owner in Germany has gotten around the country's new smoking ban - by cutting holes in the wall so customers can stick their heads out to have a smoke.

"Now my customers can legally enjoy a cigarette without having to leave the comfort of the restaurant," said owner Michael Windisch.

Mr. Windisch, now a bar owner, was once the owner of Germany's largest "gloryhole." He got the idea one night when someone poked their head through the hole and asked for a light.

"It was a revelation," said Mr. Windisch. "It occurred to me, after some thought, that such a service could be provided in a bar."

So, Mr. Windisch zipped up his pants and went to the law books looking for a loophole. And he found a glorious loophole! He sold his current business and bought a bar. Within weeks, the holes were made with sledgehammers and saws.

"I call it the Glory Smoke Hole," said Mr. Windisch as he retracted his head back into the bar.

Yeetle Box

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Yeetle Box - Packer Fans Are Nuts

Australian Wayne Scullino, 30, quit his job in Sydney in early 2007, and, after convincing his wife, they sold their house and moved to Wisconsin for the sole purpose of rooting for the Green Bay Packers, about which he had enjoyed an almost inexplicable fascination since age 15. Now, due to genetic gene splicing, Mr Scullino will turn 14 at the age of 31.

"It's weird," he said. "Legally, it's a conundrum."

But this is not going to deter Scullino.

"At some point, you've got to stop living the life you've fallen into, and start living the life you want to - or wished you had back." Mr. Scullino fear waiting even one more year for quarterback Brett Favre to retire after the 2007 season. "I just love Brett Favre, dude!"

As for his future? "Well, I'll be much younger and I guess I'll have to go back to school. My wife will probably divorce me. I will lose my kids - though I think I can keep their High School Musical II CDs and DVDs. But, it's Brett Favre!"

The Yeetle Box

Monday, December 24, 2007

Yeetle Box - Jesus!

A Florida woman whose baby Jesus statue was swiped from her Nativity scene is hoping a global-positioning system will deter thieves from stealing the new one.

"I don't anticipate this will ever happen again," said Dina Cellini of Bar Harbor. "But," she added, "we may need to rely on technology to save our savior."


Everybody knows our saviour flies under the radar.


Sunday, December 23, 2007

Yeetle Box - Steven King Sets Record

In Monticello, N.Y., Steven King, 40, was indicted in as a result of a traffic stop, for

  • driving in oncoming-traffic lanes,
  • driving with an open beer container,
  • not wearing a seat belt,
  • driving an uninsured car,
  • driving with expired safety inspection sticker,
  • driving with license plates belonging to another car, and
  • driving with his 2-year-old daughter neither in a car seat nor belted in.

This breaks the previous record for Simultaneous Traffic Violations By A Singe Driver set by Hambone McGinnis, who WAS wearing his seat belt at the time. Said Mr. McGinnis, "Ya gotta tip yer hat to Steve. He went all out and got the record. But I've got a few tricks up my sleeve yet."

Mr. King, who tried to convince the police that he was the author Stephen King, stated he was conducting research for an upcoming novel. But this was quickly cleared up with a call to Stephen King who expressed interest in Mr. King's record. "Hmmm," said Mr. King, the author. "Might work better with a newborn possessed by Beelzebub."

Said Mr. King, the driver, "Used to be a time when these things were just normal, everyday occurrences. What's happened to this country?"

Friday, December 21, 2007

Yeetle Box - Werewolves of Pittsburgh

A man in a werewolf mask tried to rob a Subway sandwich shop in Pittsburgh, but came away empty as the two employees on duty refused to give up money even though he hinted he might have a gun in a paper bag he was carrying. The employees, said the man argued a bit and then in frustration removed his mask and fled, saying, “I can’t believe you won’t listen to a wolfman with a gun. Don't you know who I am? I am the son of Lon Chaney!"

Gregory Holley, who is distantly related to Lon Chaney, was arrested in Largo, Florida and charged with robbing three stores and a bank. He was picked up the day after the bank robbery, carrying cash from the bank and wearing the same clothes that the robber wore, with stains from the bank’s chemical dye pack. His clothes were tattered. Said a spokesman for the police department, "It was as if he had been torn up by a wild animal."

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Yeetle Box: Gun-Weilding Insurance Worker

A 47-year-old insurance company worker accidentally fired his gun in his office cubicle, shooting himself in both legs.

The man had put his .45-caliber gun into his jacket pocket and then draped the jacket over the back of his chair Tuesday morning, said Brett McGuire, Lake Worth police chief. The gun discharged as the man settled into his chair.
The bullet passed through both of the man's legs and a bookcase before lodging in the wall of a cubicle.

There was no indication the man had brought the gun to target anyone, but rather he "just felt the need to carry it," McGuire said. "He wasn't having problems with his bosses or co-workers that we know of," McGuire said. "OK, so there was this one time when he got a bad performance review, but that was weeks before."

Police have no record of the man being licensed to carry a concealed weapon, though, in Texas, this is not a crime. He did, however, violate his company's policy against bringing guns to work without company officials' permission. Said a company spokesman, "We have a very strong policy to deter our employees from carrying concealed weapons into the workplace without prior permission. Clearly, the man in question did not have our permission as evidenced by the fact that we have no record of his submitting a Request to Carry a Concealed Weapon to Work Form.

Most important, the worker will not be compensated for any medical expenses, as the company has deemed it proper that the accident was not life-threatening and did not occur during normal work hours, as the man had come to work early that day.

The Yeetle Box

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Yeetle Box: George W. Bush Is a Lizard

Has it been that long since my last post? Gee whillikers. Lots happening lately. I've been so busy I didn't know how busy I was. So, here's what's been happening: I have been interviewing for jobs here on Cape Cod - land of lobster. Things look good. I've written a lot of new poetry. Yes! Oh, and lest I forget, George W. Bush is spreading a virus that causes politicians and pundits to morph into lizards.

Let's consider this. George W. Bush is a human-alien hybrid who occasionally morphs into his true form as a reptilian type creature from another galaxy and planet. He has spread a virus to other politicians via radio and televison waves. Other lizards include Hillary Clinton, Dick Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, and Condaleeza Rice. Oddly enough, Dennis Kucinich is not a lizard, though he bears physical resemblance to a lizard.

In addition, Boxcar Willie is a lizard. That's weird, so it will require further investigation.

Essentially, these hybrids are harmless except that their amazing stupidity causes a great deal of confusion among otherwise rational human beings. This irrationality, in turn, has caused people to behave very rudely to others and to bring to bear their religious beliefs into every topic of conversation. The net result is a mass disagreement about reality and long proven facts about our existence and the world we inhabit.

So, to answer the question regarding intelligent life from another planet: the answer is NO. Rather, we have been infiltrated by stupidity from another planet.

Now that you know, please understand that the only remedy to this egregious stupidity is pure, rational thought.

God speed.

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Yeetle Box - The Right To Keep and Bear Arms...In Your Head

Texan prosecutors want the bullet, embedded under the skin in 17-year-old Joshua Bush's forehead, to be removed in order to help convict Mr. Bush of the attempted murder of a used-car salesman in a row following a robbery.

The case has raised privacy concerns, with Mr. Bush's lawyers fighting to have the bullet remain in his head.

Prosecutors say the 9mm bullet became lodged in the soft fatty tissue in Mr. Bush's forehead in a shootout with the car salesman. Police say Alan Olive returned fire after Mr. Bush tried to shoot him. They say Mr. Bush was part of a gang that had tried to take cars from the forecourt. Identified to police by other gang members, Mr. Bush was interviewed.

Mr. Olive, a competitive pistol shooter, said a man returned after the police had investigated, threatening to kill him if he gave evidence. The shootout followed.

"I just can't believe I missed him at that distance," Mr. Olive says in court papers.

Prosecutor Ramon Rodriguez told Associated Press news agency that Mr. Bush "looked like hell. He had a big old knot on his forehead".

Mr. Rodriguez said Mr. Bush later said he was hit by a stray bullet while on his couch in his flat.

A judge issued a warrant for the bullet's removal in October but a doctor said he did not have the proper tools.

A second operation was ordered for last week at a hospital but that was postponed for unspecified reasons.

Now Mr. Bush's lawyers say the removal would be a denial of his civil rights, although the surgery would not be life threatening.

The lawyers base their case on the constitution's protection against unreasonable searches.

Rife Kimler, Mr. Bush's lawyer, told the AP: "When the medical profession divorces itself from its own responsibility and makes itself an arm of the state, it's a dangerous path."

I can't make up this stuff. Anyone know the outcome of this case?

Friday, June 15, 2007

Yeetle Box: Selling Home, Need Buyer

OK, I'm selling my home and I need a buyer. Here's what I'm going to do for you: for a six figure offer, I'll give you the house.


Thursday, May 24, 2007

Yeetle Box: How Long Has It Been?

How long has it been since my last post? Oh, heavens! Too long! I fear I might lose all of my readers and have to start anew.

Or not.

Monday, April 30, 2007

Yeetle Box - Too Violent for the Marines

Allen Lee from Cary, Illinois was about to become a Marine after signing enlistment papers this month. But the Marines are concerned Mr. Lee might just be too violent for the Marine Corp - the few, the proud, etc.

Mr. Lee wrote a violent, profanity-laced English essay that drew attention from the school and school district, resulting in pending criminal charges. Lee's recruiter told him Friday that the Marine Corps has discharged him from his contract, said Sgt. Luis R. Agostini, spokesman for the Marine Corps Recruiting Station Chicago.

“Basically, he is no longer an applicant to become a Marine,” Agostini said. "You see, he's really violent. The Marine Corp prides itself on its non-violent stance."

Mr. Lee, a senior at the Chicago suburban school, Cary-Grove High School, was charged with two misdemeanor counts of disorderly conduct after the principal turned his creative writing essay over to police.

“In light of recent events (at Virginia Tech), that is part of the context of what happened that makes the reaction all the more reasonable,” said Tom Carroll, first assistant state’s attorney in McHenry County. "This is just a simple matter of creativity gone wild. We need to get back to classic violence - Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Sylvia Plath."

The charges are a product of paranoia, born of the massacre of 32 students at Virginia Tech by a social outcast who then killed himself, said Mr. Lee's lawyer, Thomas Loizzo.

“Once the dust settles, once they look at this through clearer glasses, we think that the state will do the right thing and dismiss the charges,” Loizzo said.

The essay, written Monday, reads in part, “Blood, sex and booze. Drugs, drugs, drugs are fun. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, s...t...a...b...puke. So I had this dream last night where I went into a building, pulled out two P90s and started shooting everyone, then had sex with the dead bodies. Well, not really, but it would be funny if I did.”

"Look," said Mr. Lee. "It says I didn't have sex with dead bodies. So, shouldn't I get an award or something? And it's written in iambic pentameter!"

"Be creative; there will be no judgment and no censorship,” Thomas Loizzo said. “There was never any warning from the teacher that if she determined the paper to be offensive, she would then pass it along to the authorities. My God, what has high school education come to if a young man cannot express his darkest thoughts without fear of great repercussions? How will our kids write grammatically correct suicide notes? When I have won this case, I'm going to spearhead a full investigation into what's going on in our grade schools."

School district spokesman Jeff Puma declined to discuss the specifics of the essay or Lee’s future, citing privacy concerns and fear of legal action against him. “The essay was inappropriate in that it caused a question about safety,” Puma said. "This is not without precedent. Last year a student wrote an essay about automobile accidents, and we took the appropriate action of suspending her driver's license."

Lee wrote in a statement provided by his attorney that he has completed military entrance exams, including a psychiatric evaluation.

“If I’m qualified to defend the country, I believe I’m qualified to attend school,” he wrote. "Or maybe it's, if I'm old enough to vote, I'm old enough to write about sexual intercourse with dead bodies. No, wait! It's: if I'm qualified to write a gross essay, I'm qualified to pile up nude bodies at Gitmo. Yea, that's it."

Monday, April 23, 2007

Yeetle Box - Winset, Go!

Professor Nicholas Winset was fired from his job at Emmanual College, a Catholic college in Boston, after leading his class in a discussion about the shootings at Virginia Tech.

Professor Winset, professor of Financial Accounting, pretended to shoot some students during the discussion at Emmanuel College. One student then pretended to shoot Winset to show that the gunman could have been stopped if someone else had been armed - a long-standing module within the Financial Accounting field.

"The way this works," said Winset, "is that I point my finger at a random student and shout 'RAT-A-TAT-TAT'! He points his finger at me and shouts 'BLAM! BLAM!' I fall to the floor. Very dramatic. Gets the point across that if more people, not fewer people, carried guns, the Virginia Tech tragedy would have been averted...and PRONTO!"

Winset says the school is stifling free speech by dismissing him. In an interview yesterday, Winset also decried media coverage of the massacre, saying, “Just because everyone is portraying this as the national tragedy of the year doesn’t mean it is. More people died of AIDS today” than in the massacre, he said.

Professor Winset also manages and AIDS awareness class where he and another student perform coitus, after which they pretend to be HIV positive. The rest of the class points their fingers and screams 'POW!'.

"It's a good way to raise awareness."

Winset said his skits are meant to be a tenuous segue into an assignment asking students to examine whether the massacre has had an impact on the financial markets, which have remained healthy in tragedy’s aftermath. He said he wanted students to see that intense media focus on a story does not always mean it has the same relevance to the markets or to society in general.”

Administrators at the college apparently did not appreciate Winset’s classroom message. They quickly fired him via a one-page letter delivered by courier yesterday.

“You are hereby directed not to enter the College campus or any College owned property at any time for any reason,” the letter states. “Also enclosed . . .is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts form, How to File for Unemployment Insurance Benefits.”

A spokeswoman for Emmanuel College, Molly Honan, would not give the college’s rationale for firing Winset. She said the school’s policy is not to comment on personnel issues - even in spite of the obvious.

Winset, 37, of Newton called the college’s decision to fire him “pathetic,” and said it will have a “chilling effect” on professors’ willingness to engage in open discussions about controversial issues.

“A classroom is supposed to be a place for academic exploration,” he said. “It’s just gotten so politically correct. It’s sad that we have come to this point.”

One student tolds the Boston Globe that most of her classmates didn't seem to find Winset's demonstration offensive. "I mean, what's the big deal? Financial accounting is boring."

Friday, April 20, 2007

Yeetle Box - Nude Swedish Smoker Wins Appeal!

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- A landlord in Sweden has lost a bid to evict a woman who reportedly annoyed her neighbors by sunbathing nude and smoking outside unclothed.

Tenants in the building in Dalarna in central Sweden also complained that the woman did not dispose of her trash properly and said she sexually assaulted two building workers.

The Regional Rent and Tenancy Tribunal ruled for the landlord in December. But the woman appealed. The Svea Court of Appeal in Stockholm found recently that the woman was not a good neighbor, but that her behavior was not bad enough to justify eviction.

This would never happen in the United States.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Yeetle Box - Two Lawyers

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Yeetle Box - Fool Me Once...

Alexander Kishko was at the Pyatigorsk City Court last Tuesday, where he faced a charge of trying to steal a cell phone from a woman at a health clinic. He beat the charge. But after leaving the court room in the clear, Kishko snuck into a judge's office and tried to steal another cell phone. He was caught and placed in jail for stealing a cell phone.

Mr Kishko's attorney texted local reporters with the following statement:

"My client is innocent. We shall go to court and prove it. Everyone is entitled to one phone call or text message. I have it on video."

Monday, April 16, 2007

Yeetle Box - Agassi Assails Graf

Steffi Graf required three stitches Sunday after husband Andre Agassi inadvertently hit her in the face with his racket during a fundraiser that followed the final of the U.S. Clay Court Championships.

While rallying with a couple of youngsters during a doubles match, Agassi's follow-through struck his wife in the face. At the time, the two were holding hands on the court while playing tennis - a vaudeville the act they have been hoping to perfect before May.

After she was hit, Graf lifted her left hand and right middle finger to her mouth and walked off to the side of the court with Agassi following closely behind her looking sheepish and promising to do more around the house.

She left the stadium for an on-site doctor to administer three stitches to her lip. The doctor who paid $70,000 for a trip to play tennis with the couple stitched up the multiple Grand Slam winner.

"This is a great example of the wonderful healthcare system in our country," hair-lipped Graf.

It was not clear whether the cut was to the inside or outside of her mouth area, said the doctor who paid $70,000 to play tennis.

"The mouth area is tricky," he stated. "What's inside? What's outside? We need much more research to make accurate determinations in these matters."

"She's OK," Agassi said. "I'm no doctor, but I truly believe with all my heart that my racket never entered her mouth. It was an unfortunate accident. I think it is best to move forward and support Stef during her recovery."

Agassi and Graf were in Houston because Agassi is part of a reality show called 'The Big Give,' an upcoming Oprah Winfrey production. The show was originally titled "The Big Shove," but O thought that was in poor taste and took back the car she gave to the writer who suggested that title.

Oprah was available for comment, but no one cared what she had to say.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Yeetle Box - Bird Attacks Cheney's Plane

Vice president Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, visited Chicago this Friday to address a conservative group at the Ritz Carlton. Where else?

Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, performed his usual Democrats-are-bad routine, from diplomacy to the war in Iraq.

“Above all, the Democrats' attempt to micromanage our commanders is an unwise and perilous endeavor,” Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, said. "Democrats need to understand that oversight of the Executive Branch merely emboldens the terrorists who wish to destroy our way of life."

But that was not the real news.

In a bizarre series of events, Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, almost had a perilous flight to Chicago because of a run-in between a bird and his plane, Airforce Two.

As Airforce Two taxied to the awaiting vice presidential motorcade, everything looked normal - a tactic employed by terrorists around the world. Moments after Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, got into his limousine and drove away, mechanics started giving one of the engines the once over. On the approach to landing a bird rammed itself into one of the plane's engines.

“It's very rare that there's any life-threatening effect from a bird strike of a commercial aircraft, that's for sure,” said Northwestern University professor Aaron Gellman. "But we can't take any chances. We live in perilous times."

The Federal Aviation Administration, the Chicago Department of Aviation and the Airline Pilot's Association were
not willing to talk on-camera about what happened to the vice president’s plane. Why not? We don't know.

“It can do enough damage to shut down an engine,” Gellman said.Or cause them to catch fire, as was the case with American Airlines Flight
1374 in 2004.

“All of a sudden we heard this tremendous bang,” said Jon Bernaden, a passenger on that flight who did not shoot a man in the face. "I remember looking over at Dick. He was like a rock. Didn't speak nor move. He's one tough fella. Sure he quacked a bit, but he is human. His hand was steady on his revolver."

“We were pretty lucky that the pilot and the engine did exactly what they were supposed to do. They are trained to cut and run at the most exacting moment. Now that terrorists have recruited birds, we have to be particularly cautious.”

Due to the heroics of the pilot and the engine, Cheney's plane cleared for takeoff without any delay.
Meanwhile, Homeland Security officials recruited federal biologists to launch a counterstrike against birds at the O'Hare airport. Soldiers rushed in and quickly disrupted the birds' habitat – covering ponds, lighting off fireworks and restricting the type of trees and bushes allowed to grow near the airport.

After landing in Washington D.C., Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, issued a brief statement:

"For those of you who don't support the President's foreign policy, take note that the next attack could be aimed right at your car - or your children's bicycle. The robin, sparrow, and hummingbird have joined with the terrorists to form an airborne axis of evil that will stop at nothing to disrupt the American way of life. If it's a quail hunt they want, a quail hunt they'll get."

President Bush commented, "Dick's a brave man."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Yeetle Box - Bush Seeks Commander-In-Chief

In the latest strategic move by the Whitehouse, President George is actively seeking a "war czar" to oversee military operations in Iraq and Afganistan. The "war czar" would have direct access to the Pentagon, among other governmental bodies.

"It's a win-can't lose situation," said President Bush. "We will have a person to oversee the wars we wage, and I get to spend a lot more time at my ranch."

Asked if the "war czar" would supplant the Commander-In-Chief, Bush stated, "Commander-in-what?"

President Bush has come under some criticism for this latest move. Critics have pointed out that the President IS the Commander-In-Chief, and, therefore, the "war czar."

"That's just not true, " said Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face. "The "war czar" will report directly to the Commander-In-Chief, who reports directly to the President. It's a win-can't lose-oughta work situation. I commend the President on this bold initiative."

Insiders state the qualifications for this position will probably include past experience with the Department of Defense and bald head.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Yeetle Box - Jitter Bug Off!

Lacey Hindman, a Chicago woman, has filed a lawsuit claiming "negligent dancing" by her boss's husband and seeking damages for a fractured skull. In her complaint, Ms. Hindman says that David Prange picked her up and threw her during a jitterbug.

She was at a party following a book signing at Shop Girl, a store owned by Prange's wife, Kate. Hindman said that Prange grabbed her arms without any warning and tossed her in the air.

"I was in the air, over him," she said. "I fell hard enough, you could hear the impact of me hitting the floor over the sound from the jukebox. Besides, who jitterbugs to Helen Reddy's 'Delta Dawn'?"

"Christ," said Mr. Prange. "The woman weighs nearly 300 pounds! You would have heard that crash from across the Midwest! And miss 'I'm-the-biggest-Helen-Reddy-fan-in-the-world" knows you can jitterbug to any song."

Asked what possessed him to violently throw her into a jitterbug somersault, Mr. Prange hung his head and stated, "It was just a bet. A lousy $20 bet."

Mrs. Prange stated her husband meant absolutely no harm.

"He wanted to jitterbug and grab an extra $20. What's the big deal? It's not like he coerced her into a polka! That would have been horrible."

In her lawsuit, Ms. Hindman seeks compensation for medical expenses, lost wages and future losses because of her injuries. Mr. Prange has offered to settle the matter through a dance marathon. "Oh, yeah. It's on," he said.

Ms. Prange insists the Pranges are old friends of her family still - just not dance partners.

"I've learned my lesson," she said. "And paid for it with a fractured....fractured....fractured.... What's that word?"

Yeetle Box - Backgammon and the Democratic Personality

I am a backgammon fanatic. I love the game. I love the intricate relationship between skill and luck. I love how skill and luck intertwine, creating a metaphor for life itself. After all, even Forrest Gump understood that not only was life like a box of chocolates, but that we all have a destiny. At the same time, we are all floating "accidental-like' on a breeze. This interplay of luck and destiny - free will and pre-determination makes for a wonderful game.

But that could change.

You see, it seems there's a new rule in the game of backgammon. Not so much an official rule, but an unofficial rule gaining in popularity that goes something like this:

When your opponent perceives himself as a superior to you in skill; and
When your opponent believes the game is won and lost by skill alone; and
When your opponent accepts a loss only as a consequence of your luck,
You must perform fellatio upon him.

Sounds extreme. Indeed, it is.

I have noticed this rule invoked mostly at the time when my opponent loses after fully expecting to win. Thus, another element of this new rule:

To whit, at any time a player perceives he will lose the game or match, that player may invoke the "fellatio rule" by declaring, "Blow me!"

Upon declaring the "fellatio rule," the player's opponent must (as I understand it), either concede the game or perform the fellatial act upon his opponent.

I believe this rule will dampen my enthusiasm for the game.

You might say, "Well, YeetleMaster, rules are rules."

True. But this rule changes the dynamic of the game and should be challenged. To whom? I don't know.

The thought of it gives me a headache - over and over.

This rule springs from the democratic personality we have cultivated in the United States. We have lost our ability to perform with "grace under pressure," as Hemingway put it. I think Hemingway would be a great resource for evaluating this new rule. But I digress.

The democratic personality asserts equality in the face of all real and perceived deviations from equality. In this case, since the end result of backgammon will always produce a winner and a loser, the democratic personality challenges their own loss, even if it means their opponent should perform a rather degrading act. In this way, perceived equality remains in tact - for that ONE individual.

And this is why the democratic personality always plants the seeds of chaos.

Well, now that I have stated my case, perhaps we can go about the game of backgammon with a little more politesse. I realize we must play these games by the rules. However, this particular rule must be used sparingly. The less invoked the better lest we forsake the integrity of the game - and my good reputation .

Before we embrace the "fellatio rule," I believe we should pilot the rule among a select group of people - ideally those who already play by this new rule in various forums throughout Nevada or Amersterdam.

In the meantime, I don't believe I will follow this new rule.

Call me a purist.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Yeetle Box - How The North Beat The South in the Civil War: A Study in Contrasts

Alabama has a peculiar judicial history. Slavery, murders of civil rights activists, and other Southern oddness. So, when Melissa Byrum York went for a horseback ride, she did not expect to land in jail.

Ms. York went for a horseback ride through town at midnight and allegedly used the horse to ram a police car. She was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses, police said.

"Cars were passing by having to avoid it, and almost hitting the horse," said Police Chief Brad Gregg. "It was awful. Such a beautiful horse."

Police in the northeast Alabama town received a call around midnight Saturday about someone riding a horse on a city street, Gregg said. "We get a lot of prank calls. But this one smelled funny."

Officer John Seals found Ms.York riding bareback on horseback on a nearby road and attempted to stop her. Seals asked the woman repeatedly to get off the horse, but she kept trying to kick the animal to make it run, the chief said. A witness to the incident stated Ms. York also tried to make the horse rare back while she yelled, "The British are coming."

"She wouldn't stop. She kept riding the horse and going on," Gregg said. "I even used my sirens. There I was lights flashing, sirens blaring - at a horse! I got out my megaphone and instructed her to dismount. She didn't. Instead, the damned fool rammed the horse into my car."

According to police reports, after ramming the police car with the horse and riding away, the woman tried to jump off but caught her foot in a stirrup. The officer took the woman into custody. Upon searching her, police discovered she had crystal methamphetamine, a small amount of marijuana, pills, a small pipe, and a bag of oats.

Ms. York was charged with DUI for riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals.

"We threw the book at her," said Gregg. "You can't set a precedent for this sort of thing."

When asked about the legal ruling in that Ms. York was riding a horse and not operating a motor vehicle, Officer Greegg said DUI charges can apply even when the vehicle has four legs instead of wheels. "You see, it's really simple. If you're intoxicated, it doesn't matter what you're riding. It's still a DUI. Motorcycles have two wheels. DUI! Cars, four wheels. DUI! A rickshaw? DUI! Rules are rules."

Furthermore, Gregg added the horse, which belonged to York, "wasn't in the best of health, but it's still alive. We didn't have to shoot the horse."

York was released from the DeKalb County Jail on $4,000 bond. However, the horse is being held for questioning by Homeland Security.

Ms. York had no intelligible comment.

In contrast, a New Jersey judge ruled a four-ton ice rink-grooming machines (Zamboni, hockey fans) aren’t motor vehicles because they aren’t useable on highways and can’t carry passengers.

Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards.

"I believe," said a spokesman for the Mennen Sports Arena, "that's a 2 minute penalty. It's gotta be."

Mr. Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until AFTER he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium pills before work.

Peragallo appealed, and Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone overturned his license revocation and penalties.

“Justice has been served. It’s a vindication for my client,” Peragallo attorney James Porfido said after the hearing. “It’s the right decision. What kind of country would this be if you couldn't drive 4 tons of metal around while intoxicated? Not the kind of country I would call the United States of America, that's for sure! This ain't Alabama, for Christ sake.”

Morris County Assistant Prosecutor Joseph D’Onofrio said no decision had been made on whether to appeal. "This kind of thing takes research. We have no precedent for driving 4 tons of metal while intoxicated. It's the sort of thing you just don't see much at hockey games."

Mr. D'Onofrio sighed and added, "This ain't Alabama!"

I guess we know how the North beat the South in the Civil War.

The Yeetle Box
Peace! She Sings

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Yeetle Box - I Know It's Only Rock 'n Roll, but...

In comments published Tuesday, Keith Richards, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,” Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

“He was cremated, and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said, adding that “it went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

In other news, Keith Richards underwent an operation in New Zealand last year after falling out of a tree in Fiji.

“I’ve no pretensions about immortality,” said Richards. “I’m the same as everyone ... just kind of lucky."

Mick Jagger, who reportedly lost his mother in a mysterious accident, commented briefly: "She's resting peacefully now."

And Charlie Watts, long-time drummer for The Rolling Stones, added, "Me grandmum loved Keith."

Bill Wyman smiled - a lot, then remarked, "You know, if you think about it, there's a Keith Richards in all of us."

Monday, April 02, 2007

Yeetle Box - Recent Political Bumper Stickers

  • (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush
  • 1/20/2009: End of an Error
  • That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
  • Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
  • If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
  • Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
  • You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
  • If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
  • Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
  • George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
  • Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
  • America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
  • They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
  • Which God Do YOU Kill For?
  • Cheney/Satan '08
  • Who Would Jesus Torture?
  • No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
  • Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
  • We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
  • We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
  • Is It Vietnam Yet?
  • Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
  • Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
  • Impeach Cheney First
  • The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
  • I actually do hate George Bush

Saturday, March 31, 2007

Yeetle Box - Bush Apologizes

In an effort to distract public attention from the Gonzales scandal, President Bush apologized Friday for the shoddy conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Further distancing himself from the political axe that fell on eight attorneys ordered by the Whitehouse and in conjunction with Gonzales, President Bush stated "we're going to fix the problem."

Remarking that Gonzales was still the right person for the job, Bush toured the main hospital and Abrams Hall, where soldiers were transferred after they were vacated from the facility's Building 18, the site of moldy walls, rodent infestation and other problems that went unchecked until reported by the media. He said his conversations with those who had been in Building 18 left him "disturbed by their accounts. And, I'd like to note that Gonzales is a good man. I call him Speedy Gonzales."

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Yeetle Box - You Would Smuggle Crocodiles

Let's say you don't have a lot of money. Poor, in fact. And you have a family to raise. Maybe 3 or 4 children. And you're a woman living in the Middle East.

OK, let's say someone offers a proposition that will bring in more money than you will make in 6 months, feed yourself and your children, and buy that whatever you've been wanting.

Under those circumstances, you would strap three, 20 inch crocodiles around your waist and attempt to cross the Gaza strip.

"Everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

And that's Yeetle Worthy in its essence.

Yeetle Box - Why We Need The Yeetle Box

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they had a limited amount of building material.

The engineer got up first and made a square fence with the material, reasoning that it was a pretty good working solution.

"No no," said the physicist, "there's a better way." He took the fence and made a circular pen, showing how it encompassed the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician spoke up: "No, no, there's an even better way."

To the others' amusement he constructed a little tiny fence around himself, then declared: "I define myself to be on the outside."

Monday, March 26, 2007

Yeetle Box - Chocolate Shortage

A drought in Western Africa and unrest in the Ivory Coast -- the world's biggest cocoa producer -- has combined with rising consumer taste for cocoa-rich dark chocolate to raise concerns about a shortage in supply.

Bottom line: There is a chocolate shortage. This will drive up chocolate prices, leading to more expensive chocolate - in turn, leading to more expensive M&M's.

Oh my!

How, oh how! -will we ever maintain our obesity in such circumstances?

Friday, March 23, 2007

Yeetle Box - Dead Men Don't Fly

A passenger on a British Airways flight complained after he awoke on the plane to find a corpse had been placed nearby his first-class seat.

Paul Trinder said he awoke from sleeping on the nine-hour flight to find the corpse of an elderly woman who had died on the flight in a nearby seat accompanied by her grieving daughter.

According to Trinder, when he voiced his concerns, airline personnel told him to "get over it."

"They seemed to have no proper plans in place to deal with the situation," he said. "I didn't have a clue what was going on. The stewards just plonked the body down without saying a thing. Not even an introduction. I remember looking at this frail, sparrow-like woman and thinking she was very ill - in a cute sort of way. When I asked how she was doing with my best Ron Hubbard voice, I was shocked when the stewardess told me she was dead."

A spokesman for British Airways issued the following statement:

"It has always been our policy to place dead bodies in first class whenver possible. We believe it is in keeping with our highly principled customer service policy to ensure that ALL passengers receive the best comfort and services from our airline staff and facilities. Even the ones who die during the flight. Customers first: dead or alive: that's our motto."

Trinder added he was concerned with potential health issues when seated next to a dead body. "When you have a decaying body on a plane at room temperature for more than five hours there are significant health and safety risks," he said. "I don't know what they are, but it sounds good to say it."

The statement issued by British Airways noted:

"It is our policy to ensure the health, safety, and welfare of all passengers and airline employees. Mr. Trinder should be remined that we did place large amounts of ice on the body in order to slow the decay. We have issued 20,000 frequent flier miles to the corpse, and hope she chooses British Airways in the future for all her flight needs."

British Airways is the UK's largest international scheduled airline, flying to over 550 destinations at convenient times, to the best located airports. Whether customers are in the air or on the ground, British Airways takes pride in providing a full service experience.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Yeetle Box - An Eye For A Thigh

A former Woodburn assistant coach and social studies teacher has gotten a state reprimand for biting the thigh of one of half a dozen wrestlers who tried to give him a wedgie. At a December 2005 practice team members tried to give Peter Porath a wedgie — jerking his undershorts upward. This is the classic wedgie maneuver, which has proven effective in inflicting both pain and embarrassment to victims since the invention of the wedgie in 1879.

"At least six wrestlers, weighing between 180 and 215 pounds each, came up to Mr. Porath from behind in an attempt to give him a ‘wedgie.’ In the process of getting the boys off of him, Mr. Porath bit the inside of a wrestler's leg, leaving distinct teeth marks," the commission said.

"Mr. Porath's counter move has been disallowed as stated in the Wild, Wild, Worldwide Wrestling Commission Rules, to whit: 'Upon receiving a wedgie, no wrestler shall retaliate by biting the inner thigh of his opponent. Bites to the outer thigh and to animal thighs are permitted.'"

The commission called that "gross neglect of duty" and, stated further, Mr. Porath's actions constituted just plain old bad taste. Mr. Porath has been placed on probation for two years. In addition, he must complete a class on appropriate behavior and write a public apology to the student he bit. Further, Mr. Porath will lose priveleges to the teacher's lounge as well.

He teaches high school social studies at Woodburn. He no longer coaches wrestling but does coach baseball, said Woodburn Superintendent Walt Blomberg. Blomberg said the wrestlers were disciplined by the wrestling coach but did not receive academic penalties such as suspension.

"It was a wedgie!" shouted the Woodburn principal. "Jesus! You people never had a wedgie? C'mere...."

The Woodburn principals was restrained by six wrestlers and the team mascot.

"You can't place ALL the blame on the teacher for receiving a gang-wedgie. To be fair, Peter [Porath] did characterize it as an attack," Blomberg said. "Technically, a wedgie is not an attack. It's a...well, it's a wedgie! Let me show you."

The student and his family did not pursue a complaint, but the district felt obligated to report the incident to the state, Blomberg said. "And we reprimanded Pete. After all, a wrestling coach should know not to turn his back on his opponent. How lame is that?"

"Frankly," added Blomberg, "Pete's a nice guy. I think he got off lucky, but, still, he's not a bad guy. It's not like he's a gang banger or nothin'."

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Yeetle Box - OOPS!

Unicorn story a misunderstanding
BILLINGS, Mont. (UPI) -- A Montana prosecutor has blamed miscommunication for a report that an alleged drunken driver blamed a road accident on a driving unicorn. Yellowstone County Attorney Dennis Paxinos said the report was the result of slang developed by prosecutors as a form of "black humor," the Billings (Mont.) Gazette reported Thursday. Paxinos said the alleged drunken driver, employed the "unicorn defense," which involves a suspect blaming a crime on a mythological person -- someone who does not exist.

A deputy prosecutor, misinterpreting an e-mail about the suspect's statements at the time of his arrest, requested the judge place a high bond on the suspect because he blamed the crime on a unicorn.

"It's kind of code (among prosecutors), and the code was misinterpreted," Paxinos told the Gazette. Paxinos offered his apologies to the suspect, the public and the court for the incident. "I wanted to stop the misinformation that was generated from my office immediately," he said.

Dammit. Just when things were getting interesting!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Yeetle Box - Those Crazy Unicorns

A Montana man suspected of causing a car crash while driving drunk allegedly told police that a unicorn was driving his car at the time of the crash.

Deputy County Attorney Ingrid Rosenquist said at Phillip Carston Holliday Jr.'s arraignment in Yellowstone County that the 42-year-old claimed the mythical creature was at the wheel of his truck at the time of the March 7 accident, the Billings (Mont.) Gazette reported.

Holliday allegedly was driving under the influence in Billings when his truck went through a red light, struck another vehicle and then made a U-turn before hitting a utility pole. Two police officers were on hand at the time to witness the crash. Holliday has five prior DUI convictions and has amassed 53 traffic violations, the newspaper said. He has been convicted 28 times for driving with a suspended driver's license.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Yeetle Box - A Better Way To Select A President

George W. Bush has been such a bad president, and the American voters have proven either a disinterest in political elections or an inability to choose a good president. This is a fact.

Given this, we should contemplate a better way of selecting a president that doesn't burden the American people with registering to vote or voting at all once registered. I propose the following:

1. Each voting district will place a map of the United States on a wall of a public building within the voting district.
2. All American citizens will lodge darts at the map.
3. Concurrently, Air Force One will traverse the United States, passengered by a chimpanzee and a goat, each fitted with a parachute.
4. After all darts are thrown, the chimpanzee will be pushed out of the aircraft and float into a voting district.
5. Shortly thereafter, the goat will be pushed out of the aircraft and float to the ground.
6. After the chimpanzee and the goat have both landed, the American people will be given the coordinates of both the goat and the chimpanzee.
7. When the goat, the chimpanzee, and a citizen of the United States come within 100 yards o each other, that citizen will be our next president and sworn in on the spot.
8. The chimpanzee and the goat will serve as advisers to our newly selected president.
9. Our new president will serve a one-year term for 6 years, after which this process will be repeated.

It's worth a shot.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Yeetle Box - The AP Has Hit Its Tipping Point

A recent article from the Associated Press asks, "Has Ann Coulter Hit Her Tipping Point?," citing Coulter's repeated offensive statements regarding liberals and those who harbor liberals. Her early appearances on Fox News (or is it Gnus?) launched her career from one of pure neo-conservative oddity to absolute neo-conservative, liberal bashing hyprocrite.

To whit:

I take the biblical idea. God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God says, "Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours." As opposed to living like the Indians.

To answer the Associated Press, Yes. She reached her tipping point sometime between the ages 12 and 16. It's you, AP, we need to wonder about. Why are you so fascinated with her? Because her books sell?

Then, the real story, the one that hasn't even begun to lean, is, "Why Does Anyone Care About Ann Coulter and What She Says?"

"I think, on the basis of the recent Supreme Court ruling that we can't execute the retarded, American journalists commit mass murder without facing the ultimate penalty. I think they are retarded. I'm trying to communicate to the American people and I have to work through a retarded person!"

-Ann Coulter

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Yeetle Box - Dog Licks Man, Dog Dies

According to the Associated Press, A collie named Lassie roused her owners and enabled them to escape their burning home. Apparently, Robert and Elsie Whitson were asleep in their bedroom when the fire broke out. The dog, which slept at the foot of the couple's bed, licked and nibbled at their hands until 81-year-old Robert awoke and the couple went outside, escaping the fire.

They didn't take the dog. Lassie died in the fire.

Neighors and firemen attribute Lassie's actions to heroism. However, another neighbor, not quoted in the article, has a different take.

"Lassie had one unique trick. She could boil an egg," said an anonymous neighbor. "I've seen the dog turn of the gas burners, strike a match, and boil water. Get where I'm going with this?"

The anonymous neighbor's anonymous son (or daughter) added, "Mr. Whitson like to sleep with peanut butter on his fingers, too. It's true!"

Well, this changes things quite a bit.

Rest in peace, Lassie, you ol' yeller dog!

The Yeetle Box

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

7.2 Million Underage Binge Drinkers

The 2005 National Survey on Drug Use and Health estimates there are 11 million underage drinkers in the United States. Nearly 7.2 million are considered binge drinkers, typically meaning they drank more than five drinks on occasion.

The good news: there are more adult drinkers in the United States than underage drinkers and more adult binge drinkers than underage binge drinkers. Population studies suggest that as underage drinkers reach the age of majority, underage drinking will decline.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

Chimps With Spears Save Mountain Gorillas

DAKAR, Senegal - Rebels in eastern Congo have agreed to stop killing mountain gorillas and allow government rangers to restart patrols, conservationists said Wednesday.

That's what a few strategically placed chimps with spears can do to change public policy.

Thank you, Senegal chimps. Thank you and God bless your efforts using only Weapons of Little Or No Destruction.

Saturday, March 03, 2007

Was Anna Nicole Smith Really Buried?

Did you hear that Anna Nicole Smith was buried today? Or was it yesterday?

Hatched, matched, and dispatched, Ms. Smith's body is no longer with us, but her spirit will live forever in the hearts and minds of morons.

Her claim to fame? Porn, reality TV, and heiress to a billionaire. She's no Shaivo, but she was made famous, not by talent, but by the sheer will of the media.

Thank the Lord she's not just dead, but buried as well.

Now, back to more pressing matters.

Will her body be exhumed and moved?

Stay tuned.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Spay Day

Tuesday, February 27 is Spay Day USA. If you're a cat or a dog, or even look like a cat or a dog, cross your legs and don't roll over. Avoid human contact.

This has been public service message from the ASPCA.

Thank you.

Dick Cheney And The Suicide Bomber

BAGRAM, Afghanistan - A suicide bomber attacked the entrance to the main U.S. military base in Afghanistan on Tuesday during a visit by Vice President Dick Cheney, killing up to 23 people and wounding 20. The Taliban claimed responsibility and said Cheney, who was unharmed, was the target.

OK, Dick, who you gonna shoot in the face now? Yourself? Geez!

Chimps With Spears

Apparently, chimpanzees in Senegal have been observed making and using wooden spears to hunt other primates, according to a study in the journal Current Biology. Their prey consists of mostly bush babies. For those of you who don't know, a bush baby is not a BABY. It's a small primate about the size of a squirrel.

A bush baby is also a primate born of the Bush family.

Look out, George, the chimps are coming after you with weapons of singular destruction.

And now we have a new terrorist front.

Monday, February 26, 2007

I Got Nothing

I got nothing to say. Nothing. Nothing funny or witty or satirical or ironic. I don't even have an utterance worth uttering.

My brain is dead weight.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Dick Cheney Quacks In Australia

SYDNEY, Australia - China’s recent anti-satellite weapons test and its continued military buildup are “not consistent” with its stated aim of a peaceful rise as a global power, Vice President Dick Cheney said Friday.

In a speech in Sydney, Cheney also expressed wariness about North Korea’s commitment to a landmark deal on ending its nuclear programs.

Dick Cheney, who shot a man in the face and threatened to shoot "all terrorists" in the face, noted that he was not all that happy with Bangladesh either.

"In fact," said Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, "I can't think of a single country that doesn't make me quack with disgust. How can we engage in a global war on terror if every other country is emboldening terrorism. It makes me sick. Quack! It makes me sick."

Cheney, who shot a man in the face, shouldered his rifle and waddled away.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Shakespeare's Prince Harry Rises

Prince Harry, the third-in-line to the British throne, will be deployed to Iraq, the Ministry of Defense said Thursday.

Reportedly, Prince Harry will bring with him his long-time drinking buddy, Falstaff.

Rumor has it that at some point, Prince Harry will gallop about on a horse down the streets of Baghdad, shouting,

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."

This will be the first time in the history of the world that a fictional character will have fought alongside actual human beings.

And that's Yeetle Worthy, dude!

Monday, February 19, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Mice Receive Routine Dental Checkup

According to the Associated Press:

MONDAY, Feb. 19 (HealthDay News) -- Using tissue regeneration technology, Japanese researchers have been able to grow a new tooth from single mouse tooth cells and use it to replace natural teeth in a mouse.

...and I haven't been to the dentist in years!

What if this is the best our scientists can do?

Here I come to save the day!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Man Dead With TV On

I am not an insentive person. Most of the time. I understand that a person's death is a sad thing for those close to that person.

But what if nobody cared if you were dead. For a year? As was the case with Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, who apparently died of natural causes, according to Suffolk County’s deputy chief medical examiner.

Mr. Ricardo's partially mummified body, dead for more than a year, was found in a chair in front of his television. The television was still on.

This is sad.

Mr. Ricardo's wife had died a year earlier and no one noticed he was dead. For a year. With the television on.

I'll leave to more eloquent writers, bloggers, and philosphers the eulogizing. For now, I am stuck on one thing:

What was he watching on television that KILLED HIM!

And who was paying the electric bill to keep the television on during his dying and subsequent death?

Stories of insensitive neighbors abound from the dawn of time - a la the Flintstones and the Rubbles.

What was he watching that horrified him so?

And who paid the electric bill?

I assume he did not have cable television, for the cable company would surely have disconnected the cable after so many months of non-payment.

I read he died of natural causes. I don't think so.

Was it you, Home Shopping Network? Or you, The Disney Channel.

We need a full line up of channels and programs to get to the culprit. But this much I know, television kills.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Yeetle Box - So, What's The News?

Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in California with her head shaved completely bald.

Associated Press

In an unrelated story, Kevin Bacon appeared in a film.

The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - So, What's The News?

Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in California with her head shaved completely bald.

Associated Press

In an unrelated story, Kevin Bacon appeared in a film.

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Yeetle Box - "A Wal-Mart pharmacist refused to sell me Plan B and laughed in my face."

I received this letter from a frustrated and forlorned member of NARAL. Read on, brothers and

You won't believe what happened to me when I went with my boyfriend to Wal-Mart to buy Plan B - the "morning-after" pill -after our condom broke. We weren't even having sex! The condom broke when my boyfriend, Roy, took it out of the package! I insisted we get the morning after pill. I told Roy, "Better safe than sorry."

The pharmacist laughed in our faces and told us, "We have it on hand, but there's no one here who can dispense it." Then he put his hands up to his ears and, in a taunting manner, said, "Nyah, nyah, nyah..."

My name is Tashina Byrd, and this happened to me at my local Wal-Mart in Springfield, Ohio. (Ohio happens to be a swing state, you know!)

It can be embarrassing to share a private, personal experience like this, but I don't want other women to be subjected to the humiliation and anger I felt when the pharmacist laughed at me. That's why I'm asking for your help today. I recently sent a letter to Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr., urging him to change company policy to guarantee that pharmacies fill requests for Plan B without delay, just like they do for any other over-the-counter medicine. You know, like Tylenol and Vick's Vapor Rub. They give you those things.

Sometimes I think people value coughs and colds more than they do my personal actions.

In the end, I was lucky. I found another pharmacy that stocked Plan B and was willing to sell it to me. (Phew! I really dodged a bullet.) But I lost Roy!

But what would happen to a woman who lives in a rural area - where Wal-Mart is often
the only pharmacy - where the nearest drugstore could be 60 miles away or more? What if the second pharmacy refused, too? What if, heaven forbid, that woman had two broken legs, webbed feet, no driver's license, no phone or electricity or heat, AND she had just been gang-raped by aliens from Pluto?

Access to emergency contraception shouldn't require multiple pharmacy visits.

Tashina Byrd


Tashina, I hear you. Here's my letter.

Dear Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr.,

With great sorrow I write this letter on behalf of all the Tashina Byrd's out there.

You should require your pharmacists to dispense the morning after pill upon demand and without hesitation or questions. If you think about it, it's perfectly within your values as a company profits from the misfortunes of others. You make your products and goods in third world countries and hire the most desparate workers at low wages in order to maintain market share.

You're a bad man, Mr. CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr. Give the Tashina's what they want. They are, after all, your employees and your customers.


The YeetleMaster

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Dear Abby

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Yeetle Box - The Virgin Earth Challenge

Virgin Group chairman and British tycoon, Sir Richard Branson announced today a $25 million prize for a way to extract a billion tons or more of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere each year.

Before you rush to submit your "We should use less fossil fuels" entry, remember, this contest is to REMOVE 1,000,000,000 tons of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere EACH YEAR!

Keep in mind who will judge your proposal:

-Richard Branson (that's fair)

-Al Gore (OK, he's an inconvenient participant)

-James Hansen (NASA climate scientist, which is fine)

-James Lovelock (devised the Gaia theory of Earth's ecosystems which proposes that the living matter of Earth functions like a single organism and, thus, self-regulates climate in order for life to persist). He's in.

-Sir Crispin Tickell (British environmentalist known for his book Climatic Change and World Affairs. The first sentence of the Introduction states Climate is a condition of life. (A shoe in!)


-Tim Flannery, Australian paleontologist (Well, you gotta have someone from down under, I guess. He's pretty good.)

To win, you will have to come up with a way of removing one billion tons of carbon gases a year from the atmosphere for 10 years. That's 10,000,000,000 tons of carbon gases in total.

If you do, you get, $5 million paid at the start and the remaining $20 million at the end.

Ready? Set! Go!

My entry:

The world's largest vacuum cleaner!

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box