Monday, April 30, 2007

Yeetle Box - Too Violent for the Marines

Allen Lee from Cary, Illinois was about to become a Marine after signing enlistment papers this month. But the Marines are concerned Mr. Lee might just be too violent for the Marine Corp - the few, the proud, etc.

Mr. Lee wrote a violent, profanity-laced English essay that drew attention from the school and school district, resulting in pending criminal charges. Lee's recruiter told him Friday that the Marine Corps has discharged him from his contract, said Sgt. Luis R. Agostini, spokesman for the Marine Corps Recruiting Station Chicago.

“Basically, he is no longer an applicant to become a Marine,” Agostini said. "You see, he's really violent. The Marine Corp prides itself on its non-violent stance."

Mr. Lee, a senior at the Chicago suburban school, Cary-Grove High School, was charged with two misdemeanor counts of disorderly conduct after the principal turned his creative writing essay over to police.

“In light of recent events (at Virginia Tech), that is part of the context of what happened that makes the reaction all the more reasonable,” said Tom Carroll, first assistant state’s attorney in McHenry County. "This is just a simple matter of creativity gone wild. We need to get back to classic violence - Shakespeare, Hemingway, and Sylvia Plath."

The charges are a product of paranoia, born of the massacre of 32 students at Virginia Tech by a social outcast who then killed himself, said Mr. Lee's lawyer, Thomas Loizzo.

“Once the dust settles, once they look at this through clearer glasses, we think that the state will do the right thing and dismiss the charges,” Loizzo said.

The essay, written Monday, reads in part, “Blood, sex and booze. Drugs, drugs, drugs are fun. Stab, stab, stab, stab, stab, s...t...a...b...puke. So I had this dream last night where I went into a building, pulled out two P90s and started shooting everyone, then had sex with the dead bodies. Well, not really, but it would be funny if I did.”

"Look," said Mr. Lee. "It says I didn't have sex with dead bodies. So, shouldn't I get an award or something? And it's written in iambic pentameter!"

"Be creative; there will be no judgment and no censorship,” Thomas Loizzo said. “There was never any warning from the teacher that if she determined the paper to be offensive, she would then pass it along to the authorities. My God, what has high school education come to if a young man cannot express his darkest thoughts without fear of great repercussions? How will our kids write grammatically correct suicide notes? When I have won this case, I'm going to spearhead a full investigation into what's going on in our grade schools."

School district spokesman Jeff Puma declined to discuss the specifics of the essay or Lee’s future, citing privacy concerns and fear of legal action against him. “The essay was inappropriate in that it caused a question about safety,” Puma said. "This is not without precedent. Last year a student wrote an essay about automobile accidents, and we took the appropriate action of suspending her driver's license."

Lee wrote in a statement provided by his attorney that he has completed military entrance exams, including a psychiatric evaluation.

“If I’m qualified to defend the country, I believe I’m qualified to attend school,” he wrote. "Or maybe it's, if I'm old enough to vote, I'm old enough to write about sexual intercourse with dead bodies. No, wait! It's: if I'm qualified to write a gross essay, I'm qualified to pile up nude bodies at Gitmo. Yea, that's it."

Monday, April 23, 2007

Yeetle Box - Winset, Go!

Professor Nicholas Winset was fired from his job at Emmanual College, a Catholic college in Boston, after leading his class in a discussion about the shootings at Virginia Tech.

Professor Winset, professor of Financial Accounting, pretended to shoot some students during the discussion at Emmanuel College. One student then pretended to shoot Winset to show that the gunman could have been stopped if someone else had been armed - a long-standing module within the Financial Accounting field.

"The way this works," said Winset, "is that I point my finger at a random student and shout 'RAT-A-TAT-TAT'! He points his finger at me and shouts 'BLAM! BLAM!' I fall to the floor. Very dramatic. Gets the point across that if more people, not fewer people, carried guns, the Virginia Tech tragedy would have been averted...and PRONTO!"

Winset says the school is stifling free speech by dismissing him. In an interview yesterday, Winset also decried media coverage of the massacre, saying, “Just because everyone is portraying this as the national tragedy of the year doesn’t mean it is. More people died of AIDS today” than in the massacre, he said.

Professor Winset also manages and AIDS awareness class where he and another student perform coitus, after which they pretend to be HIV positive. The rest of the class points their fingers and screams 'POW!'.

"It's a good way to raise awareness."

Winset said his skits are meant to be a tenuous segue into an assignment asking students to examine whether the massacre has had an impact on the financial markets, which have remained healthy in tragedy’s aftermath. He said he wanted students to see that intense media focus on a story does not always mean it has the same relevance to the markets or to society in general.”

Administrators at the college apparently did not appreciate Winset’s classroom message. They quickly fired him via a one-page letter delivered by courier yesterday.

“You are hereby directed not to enter the College campus or any College owned property at any time for any reason,” the letter states. “Also enclosed . . .is the Commonwealth of Massachusetts form, How to File for Unemployment Insurance Benefits.”

A spokeswoman for Emmanuel College, Molly Honan, would not give the college’s rationale for firing Winset. She said the school’s policy is not to comment on personnel issues - even in spite of the obvious.

Winset, 37, of Newton called the college’s decision to fire him “pathetic,” and said it will have a “chilling effect” on professors’ willingness to engage in open discussions about controversial issues.

“A classroom is supposed to be a place for academic exploration,” he said. “It’s just gotten so politically correct. It’s sad that we have come to this point.”

One student tolds the Boston Globe that most of her classmates didn't seem to find Winset's demonstration offensive. "I mean, what's the big deal? Financial accounting is boring."

Friday, April 20, 2007

Yeetle Box - Nude Swedish Smoker Wins Appeal!

STOCKHOLM, Sweden -- A landlord in Sweden has lost a bid to evict a woman who reportedly annoyed her neighbors by sunbathing nude and smoking outside unclothed.

Tenants in the building in Dalarna in central Sweden also complained that the woman did not dispose of her trash properly and said she sexually assaulted two building workers.

The Regional Rent and Tenancy Tribunal ruled for the landlord in December. But the woman appealed. The Svea Court of Appeal in Stockholm found recently that the woman was not a good neighbor, but that her behavior was not bad enough to justify eviction.

This would never happen in the United States.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Yeetle Box - Two Lawyers

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Yeetle Box - Fool Me Once...

Alexander Kishko was at the Pyatigorsk City Court last Tuesday, where he faced a charge of trying to steal a cell phone from a woman at a health clinic. He beat the charge. But after leaving the court room in the clear, Kishko snuck into a judge's office and tried to steal another cell phone. He was caught and placed in jail for stealing a cell phone.

Mr Kishko's attorney texted local reporters with the following statement:

"My client is innocent. We shall go to court and prove it. Everyone is entitled to one phone call or text message. I have it on video."

Monday, April 16, 2007

Yeetle Box - Agassi Assails Graf

Steffi Graf required three stitches Sunday after husband Andre Agassi inadvertently hit her in the face with his racket during a fundraiser that followed the final of the U.S. Clay Court Championships.

While rallying with a couple of youngsters during a doubles match, Agassi's follow-through struck his wife in the face. At the time, the two were holding hands on the court while playing tennis - a vaudeville the act they have been hoping to perfect before May.

After she was hit, Graf lifted her left hand and right middle finger to her mouth and walked off to the side of the court with Agassi following closely behind her looking sheepish and promising to do more around the house.

She left the stadium for an on-site doctor to administer three stitches to her lip. The doctor who paid $70,000 for a trip to play tennis with the couple stitched up the multiple Grand Slam winner.

"This is a great example of the wonderful healthcare system in our country," hair-lipped Graf.

It was not clear whether the cut was to the inside or outside of her mouth area, said the doctor who paid $70,000 to play tennis.

"The mouth area is tricky," he stated. "What's inside? What's outside? We need much more research to make accurate determinations in these matters."

"She's OK," Agassi said. "I'm no doctor, but I truly believe with all my heart that my racket never entered her mouth. It was an unfortunate accident. I think it is best to move forward and support Stef during her recovery."

Agassi and Graf were in Houston because Agassi is part of a reality show called 'The Big Give,' an upcoming Oprah Winfrey production. The show was originally titled "The Big Shove," but O thought that was in poor taste and took back the car she gave to the writer who suggested that title.

Oprah was available for comment, but no one cared what she had to say.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Yeetle Box - Bird Attacks Cheney's Plane

Vice president Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, visited Chicago this Friday to address a conservative group at the Ritz Carlton. Where else?

Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, performed his usual Democrats-are-bad routine, from diplomacy to the war in Iraq.

“Above all, the Democrats' attempt to micromanage our commanders is an unwise and perilous endeavor,” Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, said. "Democrats need to understand that oversight of the Executive Branch merely emboldens the terrorists who wish to destroy our way of life."

But that was not the real news.

In a bizarre series of events, Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, almost had a perilous flight to Chicago because of a run-in between a bird and his plane, Airforce Two.

As Airforce Two taxied to the awaiting vice presidential motorcade, everything looked normal - a tactic employed by terrorists around the world. Moments after Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, got into his limousine and drove away, mechanics started giving one of the engines the once over. On the approach to landing a bird rammed itself into one of the plane's engines.

“It's very rare that there's any life-threatening effect from a bird strike of a commercial aircraft, that's for sure,” said Northwestern University professor Aaron Gellman. "But we can't take any chances. We live in perilous times."

The Federal Aviation Administration, the Chicago Department of Aviation and the Airline Pilot's Association were
not willing to talk on-camera about what happened to the vice president’s plane. Why not? We don't know.

“It can do enough damage to shut down an engine,” Gellman said.Or cause them to catch fire, as was the case with American Airlines Flight
1374 in 2004.

“All of a sudden we heard this tremendous bang,” said Jon Bernaden, a passenger on that flight who did not shoot a man in the face. "I remember looking over at Dick. He was like a rock. Didn't speak nor move. He's one tough fella. Sure he quacked a bit, but he is human. His hand was steady on his revolver."

“We were pretty lucky that the pilot and the engine did exactly what they were supposed to do. They are trained to cut and run at the most exacting moment. Now that terrorists have recruited birds, we have to be particularly cautious.”

Due to the heroics of the pilot and the engine, Cheney's plane cleared for takeoff without any delay.
Meanwhile, Homeland Security officials recruited federal biologists to launch a counterstrike against birds at the O'Hare airport. Soldiers rushed in and quickly disrupted the birds' habitat – covering ponds, lighting off fireworks and restricting the type of trees and bushes allowed to grow near the airport.

After landing in Washington D.C., Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, issued a brief statement:

"For those of you who don't support the President's foreign policy, take note that the next attack could be aimed right at your car - or your children's bicycle. The robin, sparrow, and hummingbird have joined with the terrorists to form an airborne axis of evil that will stop at nothing to disrupt the American way of life. If it's a quail hunt they want, a quail hunt they'll get."

President Bush commented, "Dick's a brave man."

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Yeetle Box - Bush Seeks Commander-In-Chief

In the latest strategic move by the Whitehouse, President George is actively seeking a "war czar" to oversee military operations in Iraq and Afganistan. The "war czar" would have direct access to the Pentagon, among other governmental bodies.

"It's a win-can't lose situation," said President Bush. "We will have a person to oversee the wars we wage, and I get to spend a lot more time at my ranch."

Asked if the "war czar" would supplant the Commander-In-Chief, Bush stated, "Commander-in-what?"

President Bush has come under some criticism for this latest move. Critics have pointed out that the President IS the Commander-In-Chief, and, therefore, the "war czar."

"That's just not true, " said Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face. "The "war czar" will report directly to the Commander-In-Chief, who reports directly to the President. It's a win-can't lose-oughta work situation. I commend the President on this bold initiative."

Insiders state the qualifications for this position will probably include past experience with the Department of Defense and bald head.

Friday, April 06, 2007

Yeetle Box - Jitter Bug Off!

Lacey Hindman, a Chicago woman, has filed a lawsuit claiming "negligent dancing" by her boss's husband and seeking damages for a fractured skull. In her complaint, Ms. Hindman says that David Prange picked her up and threw her during a jitterbug.

She was at a party following a book signing at Shop Girl, a store owned by Prange's wife, Kate. Hindman said that Prange grabbed her arms without any warning and tossed her in the air.

"I was in the air, over him," she said. "I fell hard enough, you could hear the impact of me hitting the floor over the sound from the jukebox. Besides, who jitterbugs to Helen Reddy's 'Delta Dawn'?"

"Christ," said Mr. Prange. "The woman weighs nearly 300 pounds! You would have heard that crash from across the Midwest! And miss 'I'm-the-biggest-Helen-Reddy-fan-in-the-world" knows you can jitterbug to any song."

Asked what possessed him to violently throw her into a jitterbug somersault, Mr. Prange hung his head and stated, "It was just a bet. A lousy $20 bet."

Mrs. Prange stated her husband meant absolutely no harm.

"He wanted to jitterbug and grab an extra $20. What's the big deal? It's not like he coerced her into a polka! That would have been horrible."

In her lawsuit, Ms. Hindman seeks compensation for medical expenses, lost wages and future losses because of her injuries. Mr. Prange has offered to settle the matter through a dance marathon. "Oh, yeah. It's on," he said.

Ms. Prange insists the Pranges are old friends of her family still - just not dance partners.

"I've learned my lesson," she said. "And paid for it with a fractured....fractured....fractured.... What's that word?"

Yeetle Box - Backgammon and the Democratic Personality

I am a backgammon fanatic. I love the game. I love the intricate relationship between skill and luck. I love how skill and luck intertwine, creating a metaphor for life itself. After all, even Forrest Gump understood that not only was life like a box of chocolates, but that we all have a destiny. At the same time, we are all floating "accidental-like' on a breeze. This interplay of luck and destiny - free will and pre-determination makes for a wonderful game.

But that could change.

You see, it seems there's a new rule in the game of backgammon. Not so much an official rule, but an unofficial rule gaining in popularity that goes something like this:

When your opponent perceives himself as a superior to you in skill; and
When your opponent believes the game is won and lost by skill alone; and
When your opponent accepts a loss only as a consequence of your luck,
You must perform fellatio upon him.

Sounds extreme. Indeed, it is.

I have noticed this rule invoked mostly at the time when my opponent loses after fully expecting to win. Thus, another element of this new rule:

To whit, at any time a player perceives he will lose the game or match, that player may invoke the "fellatio rule" by declaring, "Blow me!"

Upon declaring the "fellatio rule," the player's opponent must (as I understand it), either concede the game or perform the fellatial act upon his opponent.

I believe this rule will dampen my enthusiasm for the game.

You might say, "Well, YeetleMaster, rules are rules."

True. But this rule changes the dynamic of the game and should be challenged. To whom? I don't know.

The thought of it gives me a headache - over and over.

This rule springs from the democratic personality we have cultivated in the United States. We have lost our ability to perform with "grace under pressure," as Hemingway put it. I think Hemingway would be a great resource for evaluating this new rule. But I digress.

The democratic personality asserts equality in the face of all real and perceived deviations from equality. In this case, since the end result of backgammon will always produce a winner and a loser, the democratic personality challenges their own loss, even if it means their opponent should perform a rather degrading act. In this way, perceived equality remains in tact - for that ONE individual.

And this is why the democratic personality always plants the seeds of chaos.

Well, now that I have stated my case, perhaps we can go about the game of backgammon with a little more politesse. I realize we must play these games by the rules. However, this particular rule must be used sparingly. The less invoked the better lest we forsake the integrity of the game - and my good reputation .

Before we embrace the "fellatio rule," I believe we should pilot the rule among a select group of people - ideally those who already play by this new rule in various forums throughout Nevada or Amersterdam.

In the meantime, I don't believe I will follow this new rule.

Call me a purist.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Yeetle Box - How The North Beat The South in the Civil War: A Study in Contrasts

Alabama has a peculiar judicial history. Slavery, murders of civil rights activists, and other Southern oddness. So, when Melissa Byrum York went for a horseback ride, she did not expect to land in jail.

Ms. York went for a horseback ride through town at midnight and allegedly used the horse to ram a police car. She was charged with driving under the influence and drug offenses, police said.

"Cars were passing by having to avoid it, and almost hitting the horse," said Police Chief Brad Gregg. "It was awful. Such a beautiful horse."

Police in the northeast Alabama town received a call around midnight Saturday about someone riding a horse on a city street, Gregg said. "We get a lot of prank calls. But this one smelled funny."

Officer John Seals found Ms.York riding bareback on horseback on a nearby road and attempted to stop her. Seals asked the woman repeatedly to get off the horse, but she kept trying to kick the animal to make it run, the chief said. A witness to the incident stated Ms. York also tried to make the horse rare back while she yelled, "The British are coming."

"She wouldn't stop. She kept riding the horse and going on," Gregg said. "I even used my sirens. There I was lights flashing, sirens blaring - at a horse! I got out my megaphone and instructed her to dismount. She didn't. Instead, the damned fool rammed the horse into my car."

According to police reports, after ramming the police car with the horse and riding away, the woman tried to jump off but caught her foot in a stirrup. The officer took the woman into custody. Upon searching her, police discovered she had crystal methamphetamine, a small amount of marijuana, pills, a small pipe, and a bag of oats.

Ms. York was charged with DUI for riding the horse under the influence of a controlled substance. She was also charged with drug possession, possession of drug paraphernalia, resisting arrest, assault, attempting to elude police and cruelty to animals.

"We threw the book at her," said Gregg. "You can't set a precedent for this sort of thing."

When asked about the legal ruling in that Ms. York was riding a horse and not operating a motor vehicle, Officer Greegg said DUI charges can apply even when the vehicle has four legs instead of wheels. "You see, it's really simple. If you're intoxicated, it doesn't matter what you're riding. It's still a DUI. Motorcycles have two wheels. DUI! Cars, four wheels. DUI! A rickshaw? DUI! Rules are rules."

Furthermore, Gregg added the horse, which belonged to York, "wasn't in the best of health, but it's still alive. We didn't have to shoot the horse."

York was released from the DeKalb County Jail on $4,000 bond. However, the horse is being held for questioning by Homeland Security.

Ms. York had no intelligible comment.

In contrast, a New Jersey judge ruled a four-ton ice rink-grooming machines (Zamboni, hockey fans) aren’t motor vehicles because they aren’t useable on highways and can’t carry passengers.

Zamboni operator John Peragallo had been charged with drunken driving in 2005 after a fellow employee at the Mennen Sports Arena in Morristown told police the machine was speeding and nearly crashed into the boards.

"I believe," said a spokesman for the Mennen Sports Arena, "that's a 2 minute penalty. It's gotta be."

Mr. Peragallo, 64, testified at his trial that he did drink beer and vodka, but not until AFTER he had groomed the ice. However, he told police he had a shot of Sambuca with his breakfast coffee and two Valium pills before work.

Peragallo appealed, and Superior Court Judge Joseph Falcone overturned his license revocation and penalties.

“Justice has been served. It’s a vindication for my client,” Peragallo attorney James Porfido said after the hearing. “It’s the right decision. What kind of country would this be if you couldn't drive 4 tons of metal around while intoxicated? Not the kind of country I would call the United States of America, that's for sure! This ain't Alabama, for Christ sake.”

Morris County Assistant Prosecutor Joseph D’Onofrio said no decision had been made on whether to appeal. "This kind of thing takes research. We have no precedent for driving 4 tons of metal while intoxicated. It's the sort of thing you just don't see much at hockey games."

Mr. D'Onofrio sighed and added, "This ain't Alabama!"

I guess we know how the North beat the South in the Civil War.

The Yeetle Box
Peace! She Sings

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Yeetle Box - I Know It's Only Rock 'n Roll, but...

In comments published Tuesday, Keith Richards, the 63-year-old Rolling Stones guitarist said he had snorted his father’s ashes mixed with cocaine.

“The strangest thing I’ve tried to snort? My father. I snorted my father,” Richards was quoted as saying by British music magazine NME.

“He was cremated, and I couldn’t resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn’t have cared,” he said, adding that “it went down pretty well, and I’m still alive.”

In other news, Keith Richards underwent an operation in New Zealand last year after falling out of a tree in Fiji.

“I’ve no pretensions about immortality,” said Richards. “I’m the same as everyone ... just kind of lucky."

Mick Jagger, who reportedly lost his mother in a mysterious accident, commented briefly: "She's resting peacefully now."

And Charlie Watts, long-time drummer for The Rolling Stones, added, "Me grandmum loved Keith."

Bill Wyman smiled - a lot, then remarked, "You know, if you think about it, there's a Keith Richards in all of us."

Monday, April 02, 2007

Yeetle Box - Recent Political Bumper Stickers

  • (On an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush
  • 1/20/2009: End of an Error
  • That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
  • Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
  • If You Want a Nation Ruled By Religion, Move to Iran
  • Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
  • You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
  • If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
  • Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
  • George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
  • Impeachment: It's Not Just for Blowjobs Anymore
  • America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
  • They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
  • Which God Do YOU Kill For?
  • Cheney/Satan '08
  • Who Would Jesus Torture?
  • No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
  • Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
  • We Need a President Who's Fluent In At Least One Language
  • We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
  • Is It Vietnam Yet?
  • Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
  • Frodo Failed. Bush Has the Ring.
  • Impeach Cheney First
  • The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
  • I actually do hate George Bush