Thursday, January 31, 2008

Yeetle Box - War Crimes

Officials in Brattleboro, Vermont have decided to allow residents to vote at a town meeting on whether to indict U.S. President Bush for war crimes.

The Brattleboro Select Board voted 3-2 to put the measure, which would allow for the indictment and arrest of President George Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney for
  • war crimes,
  • perjury, or
  • obstruction of justice charges
if they ever visit Vermont.

Town Clerk Annette Cappy said residents will vote on the measure using paper ballots at the March 4 meeting.

Critics of the measure have questioned whether the town actually has the power to enforce an affirmative outcome of the vote. Nevertheless, they are willing to see what happens. Said an opposition town official, "You know, I voted against this, but, still, it would be kinda cool to find out what happens. We do have the prison space."

Kurt Daims, who organized the petition drive to have the measure considered, claims Bush and Cheney committed perjury by lying to Congress and the entire nation about the basis of the war in Iraq. "This is exactly what the charter envisioned as a citizen initiative," Daims said. "People want to express themselves and they want to say how they feel. If they come here, they will feel the wrath of the great state of Vermont. We are the leading producer of maple syrup, and that ain't something to mess with."

Vermont is the only state Bush has not visited since he took office in 2001. Said President Bush, "Vermont is really hard to find on the map."

Dick Cheney's office issued this statement:

"Looks like a lot of quail in Vermont. I might go hunting there soon."

The Yeetle Box

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Yeetle Box - Turning Japanese

A Tokyo schoolteacher has been busted for ordering a group of boys at another school to disrobe at knifepoint, and then stealing their underpants.

The principal of the school where the arrested man works called him a dedicated teacher.

Dedicated to what, he didn't say.

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Yeetle Box - Cunning Dwarves

Cunning dwarves with cruel intentions are being smuggled inside duffel bags onto long-distance European buses so the little thieves can rob unsuspecting travelers.

The petit larcenists - who have made off with thousands of dollars in cash and jewels - hide out under the bus until it takes off. Then they crawl out and start rifling through passengers' belongings.

"We are looking at our records to identify criminals of limited stature," said a Swedish police spokesman.

The Yeetle Box

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Yeetle Box - One-Legged Menace

Charles Kraft, 43, a one-legged Ohio man is facing a felonious assault after allegedly attacking Jennifer Hutching, 21, a female relative, with his crutch. Mr. Kraft could face a maximum prison sentence of 10 years if convicted of hitting Ms. Hutching.

Apparently, the two were playing a game of War when a dispute arose over the rules. Mr. Kraft insisted the aces wre low cards while Ms. Hutching insisted they were high cards. After some squabbling, Mr. Kraft brandished his crutch and made threatening gestures toward Ms. Hutching. Ms. Hutching stated she could not move quickly enough to escape the one-legged man and the reach of his crutch which is an unconventional six feet long. Mr. Kraft's attorney stated Ms. Hutching, at the young age of 21, could have certainly outrun Mr. Kraft, who lost his leg to bone cancer some years ago.

"He's fast," said Ms. Hutching. "I wouldn't be surprised if he could hop faster than a two-legged man the same age."

Mr. Kraft responded, "That's a lot of horse manure. She was on the swimming team in high school. Look at me. I can't even walk without this gigantic crutch." He shook his head and muttered, "Shuck and dive, for Christ's sake."

Mr. Kraft, who is related to Ms. Hutching through his wife, was jailed Tuesday in lieu of $10,000 bond.

Earlier, in December, he was arrested on two counts of "aggravated menacing." Kraft was charged with threatening to kill another man and firebomb his house. The two arresting officers said he threatened to kill them upon his release from jail. He later threatened to kill the entire town with his crutch. Reportedy, he threatened to do so "One by one."

He was convicted on one count, and the other was later dropped because the law in Ohio provides little guidance as how to prosecute a one-legged man and typically merely drops a charge in cases of multiple charges.

The Yeetle Box

Friday, January 25, 2008

Yeetle Box - Bovine Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, thieves in Malaysia stole an adult cow, stuffed it into the back seat of a car and drove off with it. The villagers chased them down the road. These thieves were bad drivers and were in too much of a hurry to pay attention to the road. They were so happy to have a cow!

Villagers gave chase. The thieves, in their glee, laughed at the villagers, for the villagers were on foot, and they were in a car.

But the roads were very muddy after the rains, and the villagers caught up to them, to the thieves dismay. The villagers crowded the car, pushed, and yelled at them. Eventually, they caused the men to lose control of the car. They crasheed into a tree.

The villagers caught the thieves and resuced the cow.

But the cow had a broken leg.

With the thieves in jail, the villagers turned their attention to the injured cow. After much discussion and debate, it was decided that those who had caught the thieves could keep the cow.

The cow was very happy. For the villagers had been good to the cow.

The villagers were very happy, too - and hungry after such a long chase. So the villagers slaughtered the cow and ate it.

The End

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - Of Goth and Pets

A British bus driver refused to allow a "goth" on board with his girlfriend - whom he was walking on a leash.

"He shoved me off the bus," Dani Graves said. "He said, 'We don't let freaks and dogs like you on. We have enough freaks in Parliament!' "

"I didn't shove them off the bus," said the bus driver. "I simply nudged them a lil. You know? I mean, they didn't look human! They looked freaky and twisted like they needed a good bus-bumpin'."

Said Mr. Graves, "He DID shove me, and I'm Goth enough to admit it. Goths aren't liars! We're people, too! I don't know why we treated differently wherever we go. Why can't we all just get along."

Graves and his "pet," Tasha Maltby, nicknamed "Bone", say they felt "victimized" and have complained to the bus company.

Their complaint includes discrimination against them on the basis of Goth-ness and posing as a dog.

The bus company issued the following statement:

"We are investigating this incident and take discrimination quite seriously. We are prepared to do whatever it takes to ensure our bus drivers behave with the utmost civility towards our riders - except Goth and dogs. That's our policy. We can only hope the bus driver acted in accordance with the complaint filed against him."

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - Christophrenic Paranoia

Christianity got a bump from Russia recently by two groups who are delivering the faith in the most Christian of ways.

Thirty members of a cult devoted to the mesmerizing, diagnosed-schizophrenic Pyotr Kuznetsov have holed up in a cave in the Penza region since Nov. 7, awaiting the end of the world in May 2008 (though Kuznetsov has asked them publicly to come out). Members have agreed that should the end of the world occur earlier than that date, they are screwed.

And a group in the city of Nizhny Novgorod worships outgoing president Vladimir Putin as the incarnation of the Apostle Paul and King Solomon. "We didn't choose Putin," said one devotee. "... God himself has chosen him!" I ask you, why not Putin? And why not the incarnation of two persons embodied in one?

All sounds very Christian to me!

Yeetle Box

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Yeetle Box - Jellyfish the Size of a Quarter!

Residents of more than 20 counties in Oklahoma are struggling to deal with the sudden appearance of suicide jellyfish in their local bodies of water. The sudden invasion by scores of the freshwater aquatic creatures pose little to no threat to people, according to the head of the Oklahoma Department of Wildlife fisheries department.

"We were aware of a freshwater suicide jellyfish that was quite small, and this seems to be it," fisheries chief Barry Bolten said. "In talking with fishing folks, they don't seem to pose a risk to humans as do most of the saltwater species, but, for safe measure, we have contacted FEMA to assist in eradicating the jellyfish."

While the jellyfish are typically no larger than a quarter, some Oklahoma residents say they have seen much larger examples - some the size of a watermelon!

"They attach themselves on hoses, buoys and the boats. Sometimes you see hundreds at a time," Oklahoma resident Joey Farland said of the jellyfish. "I've seen some as big as a watermelon.Others were as big as a coconut. The war on terror here in Oklahoma has just begun!"

FEMA annnounced they were aggressively recruiting Special Agents Squarepants and Patrick to assist in the capture of these fruit-sized jellyfish. In a prepared statement, Special Agent Squarepants noted:

"We believe arch enemy Plankton is behind this. We will not stop until every goofy goober out there is captured or killed!"

The Yeetle Box

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Yeetle Box - In The Red

Who would have thought that a "Communist" country would understand the free market more than a "Democratic" country. Well, it goes like this....

The first smoke-free restaurant chain in Beijing is at risk of going out of business because nicotine-addicted customers have stopped eating there. Business at Meizhou Dongpo has dropped 20 percent since it banned smoking in October, but "we figure that if we're going to die, at least we're going to die honorably," said Guo Xiadong, the restaurant's deputy director.

There you have it: the free market and how it's supposed to work. It is, and always has been, the economy, stupid!

The Yeetle Box

Friday, January 18, 2008

Yeetle Box - George W. Bush Seeks Stimulation

WASHINGTON - President Bush on Friday called for $145 billion worth of an economic stimulus package in the form of tax cuts to fend off a possible recession. Fears mount that a severe housing slump and painful credit crisis could cause people to close their wallets and businesses to put a lid on hiring, throwing the nation into its first recession since 2001 - GWB's first year in office.

Said President Bush, "We have to something to stimulate people in this great country. The stimulation they receive from tax cuts, stimulates me and the economy. I'm the stimulation president."

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke entered the stimulus debate Thursday, endorsing the idea of putting money into the hands of those who would spend it quickly and boost the flagging economy. Mr Bernanke remarked that stimulating George W. Bush is his highest priority.

The president did not push for a permanent extension of his 2001 and 2003 tax cuts, many of which are due to expire in 2010, officials said. That would eliminate a potential stumbling block to swift action by Congress, since most Democrats oppose making the tax cuts permanent. Instead, Democrats favor raising taxes, then cutting taxes, depending on poll results for potential voters ages 35 to 55.

White House counselor Ed Gillespie said Friday the White House would still like to see the tax cuts made permanent, but the president believes a stimulus plan needs to be put into place within the next few weeks. "He's seriously aching for stimulation," said Gillespie.

Bernanke voiced his support for a stimulus package in an appearance before the House Budget Committee. He stressed that it must be temporary and must be implemented quickly — so that its economic effects could be felt as much as possible within the next 12 months. "We're looking for a WOW factor here."

“Putting money into the hands of households and firms that would spend it in the near term” is a priority, he said.
Especially important is making sure a plan can put cash into the hands of poor people and the middle class, who are most likely to spend it right away, he said, though he added that research shows affluent people also spend some of their rebates. "It's strange how people spend money when they get it," he mused.

Bernanke declined to endorse any particular approach, but he did say he preferred one he would like.

Senior aides to House Democrats and Republicans said in addition to included tax rebates for individuals, the emerging measure would contain tax breaks for businesses investing in new equipment, increases in food stamps, and higher unemployment benefits. Why businesses would invest in food stamps is an unknown.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she wanted legislation enacted within a month and said the government must “spend the money, invest the resources, give the tax relief in a way that again injects demand into the economy, puts it in the hands of those who need it most and into the middle class ... so that we can create jobs.”

For now, Bernanke was hopeful the country could skirt a dangerous downturn. “We’re not forecasting recession but, rather, at this point, slow growth - which is sort of like a recession but not a recession as defined in Merriam-Webster's.”

An condition of anonymity, Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, stated that tax breaks send the wrong message to terrorists groups. "It makes us look poor," he quacked.

Though proven to fail in 2001, most agree the country should give tax refunds another go rather than bother large corporations with the task of hiring people who need work. Said one presidential advisor, "We have been put on notice by several Fortune 100 companies that a stimulus package for the American people should not adversely effect their bottom line. We intend to keep that promise."

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Yeetle Box - An Inconvenient Truth

Derrick Kosch, 25, accidentally shot himself in the testicle as he robbed a convenience store in Kokomo, Indiana, cops said.

"Weirdest thing in the world," said the arresting officer. "He had the money. All he had to do was holster his weapon properly. Jesus Christ almighty!"

The gun went off as Kosch placed it in his waistband and reached for the bag of cash the clerk handed to him.
Police found Kosch at home nursing the wound with a wet dish rag.

He was charged with armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon.
Mr Kosch's lawyer has announced that he will enter a not-guilty plea and, should that not prevail with the Kokomo courts, he will request that Mr. Kosch be released based on time served.

Said Mr. Kosch's lawyer, "Some things are punishment enough."

The Yeetle Box

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Yeetle Box - Chimps Not People

The Austrian Supreme Court judges definitively ruled that a chimpanzee is not a person.

An animal-rights group had tried to have a chimp declared a person so the activists could gain guardianship of it, because the shelter where the critter had lived for 25 years was going bankrupt.

Donors had raised money, but under Austrian law, only a person can receive such gifts.

In a separate ruling, however, the judges ruled definitively that a person can be a chimpanzee. They cited George W. Bush as evidence of this evolutionary conundrum.

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - Internet Marketing Gone Awry

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SOLD! In your face, Al Gore!

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Yeetle Box - Crime and Punishment

  • Thomas Wood successfully beat a DWI rap by arguing he was too cheap to have bought enough drinks to have gotten as drunk as cops said he was when the police found him behind the wheel. In his ruling, the judge was apparently impressed by Wood's tightfistedness, and said his claims of cheapness raised "reasonable doubt" that he didn't have a .13 alcohol level, as cops contended.
  • A Virginia man has been fined $1,050 for reckless driving - on a bicycle. Cops said Kajuan Cornish blocked traffic when he went through an intersection in Newport News, and was slapped with the hefty fine because of the controversial Virginia ticket tax, that hangs massive fines on drivers for even minor offenses.
  • The UK has banned the ownership of pachyderms, despite a major letter-writing campaign on the part of Jumbo-loving children. "We believe that every child in the UK would benefit from owning an elephant," said one of the rejected pleas.
  • The latest victim of identity theft at Barclays Bank? Its own chairman, Marcus Agius. A brazen con man walked into a branch and posed as the bank bigwig, and got nearly $20,000 from the boss's account after getting a bank card using Agius' personal information. The embarrassed bank now has to refund its own leader's cash.
  • British cops are being forced to speak German after getting a shipment of police dogs from Berlin who don't understand English. The bobbies are using commands such as "platz" for down, and "bissen" for bite because the Teutonic pooches do not respond to any commands issued in the Queen's English. "If you say 'let go' in English, they just look at you like you're crazy," said one cop.

The Yeetle Box

Friday, January 11, 2008

Yeetle Box - Obama Nailed By 19 Year Old

Not in the sense you think, pervert!

A White Plains 19-year-old claims he coined the phrase "Change rocks" well ahead of Sen. Barack Obama.

Hey, that's my "change phrase," said the young man who has also filed for copyrights to
  • Bush Sucks
  • Cheney's a Dick
  • Get Out And Vote!

Obama has formally apologized to the young man from White Plains.

In a related story, the brother of this young man is suing White Plains for naming the town White Plains before he knew he lived in White Plains.

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Yeetle Box - Religious Persecution?

Inmate Michael Polk, serving time for robbery and aggravated assault, filed a federal lawsuit against the Utah Department of Corrections for denying him the right to properly practice his religion, Asatru.

According to its teachings, adherents must communicate with such ancient Nordic gods as Odin, Thor and Heimdal. To do so, it is crucial they have a Thor’s Hammer, a mead horn for drinking wassail, a drum of wood and boar skin, a “rune staff,” and a sword.

Polk graciously said he would accept a cardboard sword. "Similarly," he said, "to Christians and their plastic Jesus stuff. The rest is non-negotiable. I think it's highly unreasonable to deny me these items of worship. It's not like this is Gitmo!"

Thor was not available for comment.

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - Unsavory Types

Michael Nance, Devalius McDonald and Deandre Clemons, three Kane County, Illinois inmates have filed a $2 million lawsuit, claiming the jailhouse food is "distasteful and disgusting."

Not only do the three inmates claim the food is often cold and the baked goods "soggy," their suit also contends the calories and nutritional value are "not up to par."

"And the baked Alaska is just sub par," said Nance, who is serving a two-year sentence for federal fraud.

The suit, filed against Sheriff Pat Perez, says the meals are provided by Aramark Food Service. The civil suit was filed in Kane County Court. A spokesman for Aramark Food Service issued the following statement:

"We serve the finest foods with the finest ingredients to meet all of your nutritional needs."

A sheriff's department official said officers eat the same food and not one of them has complained.

"Our guys eat this slop. Those guys can eat this slop. Period. We ain't runnin' a cafeteria here! Hell, we can't even serve a cajun chicken breast," said Lt. Pat Gengler. "Our officers eat the same food as the inmates, and I have yet to hear an officer complain about soggy cookies or bland food."

Said McDonald, "Yea, well, the guards are barbaric in their eating habits."

Clemons burped.

The Yeetle Box

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Yeetle Box - Snails Hold Key To Axis of Evil

The snail that twists again. And again. And again.

A newly discovered Malaysian snail has defied the established rules of growth and form by creating a home that twists in four independent directions. No one knows how or why it does it - not even Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face.

"It is sort of biological madness," says Jaap Jan Vermeulen, a taxonomist from the Nationaal Herbarium of the Netherlands in Leiden and a member of the team that discovered the snails. "Madness, I say. Snails growing in all directions. What's next? Pigs that fly?"

Most land snails' shells have a single coiling axis, making for a simple spiral. Some have two axes, often starting out coiling one way during the early stages of growth, and then flipping by 90 or 180 degrees. Most of the hundreds of species of Opisthostoma snails have three axes of coiling, with a final twist at the end of their growth. That is the commonly accepted snail matrix.

But researchers searching the soils of Malaysia to catalogue the country's mollusks - because what else do you do with such a degree - have found two species with even more twisting. They report the first of these, which they name Opisthostoma vermiculum or 'little worm', in Biology Letters this week

"Yes. We debated. Tiny worm, dimunuitive worm, not so big worm, very small worm, but we finally settled on "little worm" because it had a latinate counterpart to its lexicon."

"We had our mouths agape for a good few seconds," says lead researcher Reuben Clements, species conservation manager for the environmental group WWF in Selangor, Malaysia. "It could have been a mutant — we thought so when we found one," says Vermeulen. "But now we have so many, and they are all exactly the same. And, we postulate that this is the AXIS OF EVIL President Bush referred to in his state of the union address some time back."

“It is strange indeed. We know of something like 100,000 coiled mollusks, and this is the only one I know with four axes,” says Bernard Tursch, a biologist at the Free University of Brussels in Belgium, who specializes in marine shells.

There’s no explanation as yet for the shape. It should leave the shell vulnerable to damage, as some of the twists sit high in the air without any obvious support.

President Bush was asked to comment. "Snail Cells are the most recent enemy to emerge in the War on Terror. But the United States is resolved. We're a snail-killing country. They move slow. We got the military will and the will of democracy and freedom to combat these terrorist snails. In Malaysian lands."

Condaleeza Rice has asked a special envoy to engage the snails before further spreading into limestone. Ms. Rice, herself, will continue to monitor the situation from an unknown location where no one will know what she is doing or why.

The Yeetle Box

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Yeetle Box - Mr. and Mrs. Roboto

We will be having sex with robots in as few as 40 years, according to one eager robot-sex expert.

David Levy, author of "Sex with Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships" declares: "Great sex on tap for everyone, 24/7. What's not to like?"

Not to like? Oh, well, maybe when the batteries run down.

Levy also dismisses any anti-robot sex prudes. "If there was a robot of the sort I describe in the book, I would certainly want to experience using it for sex," he added. "I wouldn't regard it as anything untoward."

Mr. Levy has been brought to task by other robotics experts who claim robots should only be used as fighting machines in live battles or in contests. Said one expert, "The idea of being intimate with an aggressive machine is preposterous!"

Mr. Levy is the author of other well-known books, such as "99 Ways To Satisfy You Vacuum Cleaner" and "Getting The Most Out of Your Microwave." He has also counseled many people in the areas of appliance phobias.

Yeetle Box

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Yeetle Box - Mack The Kinfe

Darren Mack, 46, pleading guilty in Las Vegas in November to murdering his wife, and also accepting a judgment for attempting to kill the judge handling his divorce (after first insisting on his innocence).

“I do understand ... in my (current) state of mind that shooting at the judiciary is not a proper form of political redress.”

Alberto Gonzales has agreed to defend Mr. Mack. Said Gonzales, "Mr. Mack's legal team feels Mr. Mack has been victimized by a liberal judiciary system that seeks to suppress freedom of speech and his Second Amendment rights."

The Yeetle Box

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Yeetle Box - Limo Races

Passion came to a screeching halt for an Australian couple who were married over the weekend.

John and Laina Tauranga were so into their back-seat kissing, they didn't notice their chauffeur was racing with another driver.
Cops pulled the chauffeur over, and confiscated his car and the two had to walk from that point, kissing the whole way, as traffic dodged them across four lanes.

"We were on our way home from the reception and I saw a woman in a long bridal gown walking up the road, holding up her dress and kissing a man in a tuxedo," said Bernadine McCully, the mother of the bride. "She was absolutely oblivious to where she was and what she was doing."

"I said, 'My goodness there must be a lot of weddings on today,' and then I realized: That's our daughter!"

Bernadine McCully then feinted, and her daughter ran over to apply mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Yeetle Box