Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Spay Day

Tuesday, February 27 is Spay Day USA. If you're a cat or a dog, or even look like a cat or a dog, cross your legs and don't roll over. Avoid human contact.

This has been public service message from the ASPCA.

Thank you.

Dick Cheney And The Suicide Bomber

BAGRAM, Afghanistan - A suicide bomber attacked the entrance to the main U.S. military base in Afghanistan on Tuesday during a visit by Vice President Dick Cheney, killing up to 23 people and wounding 20. The Taliban claimed responsibility and said Cheney, who was unharmed, was the target.

OK, Dick, who you gonna shoot in the face now? Yourself? Geez!

Chimps With Spears

Apparently, chimpanzees in Senegal have been observed making and using wooden spears to hunt other primates, according to a study in the journal Current Biology. Their prey consists of mostly bush babies. For those of you who don't know, a bush baby is not a BABY. It's a small primate about the size of a squirrel.

A bush baby is also a primate born of the Bush family.

Look out, George, the chimps are coming after you with weapons of singular destruction.

And now we have a new terrorist front.

Monday, February 26, 2007

I Got Nothing

I got nothing to say. Nothing. Nothing funny or witty or satirical or ironic. I don't even have an utterance worth uttering.

My brain is dead weight.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Dick Cheney Quacks In Australia

SYDNEY, Australia - China’s recent anti-satellite weapons test and its continued military buildup are “not consistent” with its stated aim of a peaceful rise as a global power, Vice President Dick Cheney said Friday.

In a speech in Sydney, Cheney also expressed wariness about North Korea’s commitment to a landmark deal on ending its nuclear programs.

Dick Cheney, who shot a man in the face and threatened to shoot "all terrorists" in the face, noted that he was not all that happy with Bangladesh either.

"In fact," said Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, "I can't think of a single country that doesn't make me quack with disgust. How can we engage in a global war on terror if every other country is emboldening terrorism. It makes me sick. Quack! It makes me sick."

Cheney, who shot a man in the face, shouldered his rifle and waddled away.


Thursday, February 22, 2007

Shakespeare's Prince Harry Rises

Prince Harry, the third-in-line to the British throne, will be deployed to Iraq, the Ministry of Defense said Thursday.

Reportedly, Prince Harry will bring with him his long-time drinking buddy, Falstaff.

Rumor has it that at some point, Prince Harry will gallop about on a horse down the streets of Baghdad, shouting,

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."

This will be the first time in the history of the world that a fictional character will have fought alongside actual human beings.

And that's Yeetle Worthy, dude!


Monday, February 19, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Mice Receive Routine Dental Checkup

According to the Associated Press:

MONDAY, Feb. 19 (HealthDay News) -- Using tissue regeneration technology, Japanese researchers have been able to grow a new tooth from single mouse tooth cells and use it to replace natural teeth in a mouse.

...and I haven't been to the dentist in years!

What if this is the best our scientists can do?

Here I come to save the day!

Sunday, February 18, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Man Dead With TV On

I am not an insentive person. Most of the time. I understand that a person's death is a sad thing for those close to that person.

But what if nobody cared if you were dead. For a year? As was the case with Vincenzo Ricardo, 70, who apparently died of natural causes, according to Suffolk County’s deputy chief medical examiner.

Mr. Ricardo's partially mummified body, dead for more than a year, was found in a chair in front of his television. The television was still on.

This is sad.

Mr. Ricardo's wife had died a year earlier and no one noticed he was dead. For a year. With the television on.

I'll leave to more eloquent writers, bloggers, and philosphers the eulogizing. For now, I am stuck on one thing:

What was he watching on television that KILLED HIM!

And who was paying the electric bill to keep the television on during his dying and subsequent death?

Stories of insensitive neighbors abound from the dawn of time - a la the Flintstones and the Rubbles.

What was he watching that horrified him so?

And who paid the electric bill?

I assume he did not have cable television, for the cable company would surely have disconnected the cable after so many months of non-payment.

I read he died of natural causes. I don't think so.

Was it you, Home Shopping Network? Or you, The Disney Channel.

We need a full line up of channels and programs to get to the culprit. But this much I know, television kills.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

The Yeetle Box - So, What's The News?

Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in California with her head shaved completely bald.

Associated Press

In an unrelated story, Kevin Bacon appeared in a film.

The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - So, What's The News?

Britney Spears appeared in a tattoo parlor in California with her head shaved completely bald.

Associated Press

In an unrelated story, Kevin Bacon appeared in a film.

The Yeetle Box

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Yeetle Box - "A Wal-Mart pharmacist refused to sell me Plan B and laughed in my face."

I received this letter from a frustrated and forlorned member of NARAL. Read on, brothers and

You won't believe what happened to me when I went with my boyfriend to Wal-Mart to buy Plan B - the "morning-after" pill -after our condom broke. We weren't even having sex! The condom broke when my boyfriend, Roy, took it out of the package! I insisted we get the morning after pill. I told Roy, "Better safe than sorry."

The pharmacist laughed in our faces and told us, "We have it on hand, but there's no one here who can dispense it." Then he put his hands up to his ears and, in a taunting manner, said, "Nyah, nyah, nyah..."

My name is Tashina Byrd, and this happened to me at my local Wal-Mart in Springfield, Ohio. (Ohio happens to be a swing state, you know!)

It can be embarrassing to share a private, personal experience like this, but I don't want other women to be subjected to the humiliation and anger I felt when the pharmacist laughed at me. That's why I'm asking for your help today. I recently sent a letter to Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr., urging him to change company policy to guarantee that pharmacies fill requests for Plan B without delay, just like they do for any other over-the-counter medicine. You know, like Tylenol and Vick's Vapor Rub. They give you those things.

Sometimes I think people value coughs and colds more than they do my personal actions.

In the end, I was lucky. I found another pharmacy that stocked Plan B and was willing to sell it to me. (Phew! I really dodged a bullet.) But I lost Roy!

But what would happen to a woman who lives in a rural area - where Wal-Mart is often
the only pharmacy - where the nearest drugstore could be 60 miles away or more? What if the second pharmacy refused, too? What if, heaven forbid, that woman had two broken legs, webbed feet, no driver's license, no phone or electricity or heat, AND she had just been gang-raped by aliens from Pluto?

Access to emergency contraception shouldn't require multiple pharmacy visits.

Tashina Byrd


Tashina, I hear you. Here's my letter.

Dear Wal-Mart CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr.,

With great sorrow I write this letter on behalf of all the Tashina Byrd's out there.

You should require your pharmacists to dispense the morning after pill upon demand and without hesitation or questions. If you think about it, it's perfectly within your values as a company profits from the misfortunes of others. You make your products and goods in third world countries and hire the most desparate workers at low wages in order to maintain market share.

You're a bad man, Mr. CEO H. Lee Scott, Jr. Give the Tashina's what they want. They are, after all, your employees and your customers.


The YeetleMaster

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Dear Abby

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?

Friday, February 09, 2007

The Yeetle Box - The Virgin Earth Challenge

Virgin Group chairman and British tycoon, Sir Richard Branson announced today a $25 million prize for a way to extract a billion tons or more of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere each year.

Before you rush to submit your "We should use less fossil fuels" entry, remember, this contest is to REMOVE 1,000,000,000 tons of carbon dioxide from the atmosphere EACH YEAR!

Keep in mind who will judge your proposal:

-Richard Branson (that's fair)

-Al Gore (OK, he's an inconvenient participant)

-James Hansen (NASA climate scientist, which is fine)

-James Lovelock (devised the Gaia theory of Earth's ecosystems which proposes that the living matter of Earth functions like a single organism and, thus, self-regulates climate in order for life to persist). He's in.

-Sir Crispin Tickell (British environmentalist known for his book Climatic Change and World Affairs. The first sentence of the Introduction states Climate is a condition of life. (A shoe in!)


-Tim Flannery, Australian paleontologist (Well, you gotta have someone from down under, I guess. He's pretty good.)

To win, you will have to come up with a way of removing one billion tons of carbon gases a year from the atmosphere for 10 years. That's 10,000,000,000 tons of carbon gases in total.

If you do, you get, $5 million paid at the start and the remaining $20 million at the end.

Ready? Set! Go!

My entry:

The world's largest vacuum cleaner!

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

The Yeetle Box - April 13, 2036

Right now, a very large meteor is heading toward earth. Scientists have predicted the meteor will strike the earth on April 13, 2036, destroying most life on the planet.

Imagine what April 12, 2036 will be like? Where will you be? Who will you be with?

Now's the time to plan for the big day with George Foreman's Apocagrill. Don't waster the day bemoaning the end of mankind. Grill a hamburger, sit back and enjoy the last day on earth.

Your Apocagrill comes complete with tongs and sunglasses.

This message paid for by George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, George Foreman, and George Foreman.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box

Weighing in on the highest profile debate about global warming, the nation's premier science policy body on Thursday voiced a "high level of confidence" that Earth is the hottest it has been in at least 400 years, and possibly even the last 2,000 years.

"Perhaps," said Dr. Hotare, "we may be seeing the hottest the world has ever been since the Big Bang itself. At least since the invention of the fan."

But Dr. Coolage disagrees.

"Nobody knows how hot it was yesterday, let alone eons ago. The scientific community didn't even have thermometers back then. Geez!"

Still, many scientists believe global warming is real and is impacting our weather paterns right now.

"Right now," said Dr. Blowmedown, "we are experiencing global warming."

However, Dr. Optimist has a different perspective.

"If you think about it, if the eath is hotter than it has been for 2000 years, we've been experiencing globabl warming for that long - 2000 years. What's another 2000? A few degrees? Drink a Kool-Aid. It will help."

As the frequency and magnitude of violent storms increases, and as glaciers melt, raising the sea level, we can say with a high degree of confidence, that the last words spoken before human beings are wiped off the face of the earth will be:

"Where's the data?"

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

Sunday, February 04, 2007

The Yeetle Box - Super Bowl XLI Predictions

Bears vs. Colts.

My predictions:

-Rex Grossman will acquire a QB rating of < -50.
-Payton Manning will acquire a QB rating of > 5,459.

-Bears yards rushing: < 1
-Colts yards rushing: > 1

-Bears yards passing: < 2
-Colts yards passing: > 500,345,981

-Bears turnovers: 57
-Colts turnovers: 12

Payton Manning will audible 1,456 times. Rex Grossman will not audible.

Dungy will get soaked with Gatorade.
Lovey will get soaked with something that looks like Gatorade.


Colts 194, Bears 39.

Tell them you heard it here!

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Were You Wondering What Bush Meant by 'Surge'?

Suicide bombing kills 132 at Baghdad market
Truck bomb rocks predominantly Shiite area; at least 305 wounded in blast

Now that's a surge! And only a one man surge at that!

You can't play ping pong when you're opponent is playing Australian rules football.

Hey, George, how do things smell to you now?

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - What Cops Do To Educate Us

If you ever wonder whether or not traffic cops aren't looking out for the public interest, read on.

KEWASKUM, Wis. - Police Chief Richard Knoebel says he wasn’t about to take the easy way out when he accidentally drove past a stopped school bus with its emergency lights flashing.

For violating traffic laws, Knoebel wrote himself a ticket for $235, docked himself four points on his driving record and paid the fine the next day.

(He didn't, however, pay court costs, suspend his license, or receive and disciplinary action as a result. Why? Keep reading.)

It happened in September but didn’t make news until after the fine appeared in court records and was reported by a West Bend newspaper.

Knoebel says he doesn’t mind getting the belated attention, if it serves to raise awareness.

“If it brings notice to people that they should be stopping for school buses, I don’t mind the notoriety,” he said. ["After all, the public needs to know that even police officers are not above the law. Even police offers shouldn't pass school buses. Not even me. This was a totally unselfish act, deliberately carried out to raise awareness. 'Awareness! That's all."]

He said he was on patrol on four-lane U.S. 45 when he was distracted by a stopped dump truck. He saw a car coming from behind and thought it might hit the truck, so he moved to pass the truck before he saw the stopped school bus in the far lane.

He said he didn’t realize he had passed the bus until it was too late.

[Tell it to the judge, officer.]

© 2007 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

Friday, February 02, 2007

The Yeetle Box - News From Around the World

News that matters collected from around the world (with minor edits).

Officers make huge blunder

James Lane III, 27, was arrested in Carrboro, N.C., in January after police chased him in his car and later on foot. Officers tackled Lane about 20 feet into a wooded area and recovered a white plastic bag containing a pound of marijuana. When police pulled Lane to his feet, he said that someone must have left the bag on the ground at precisely the spot in the woods where Lane fell because he had never seen it before.

Officers looked at each other dumbfounded, then apologized to Lane who was released immediately.


Brewery takes chance in Muslim country

Pakistani Muslims were banned from drinking alcohol in 1977. That's not stopping the Murree Brewery from domestically producing 20-year-old single malt whisky.

Muslims make up the majority of Pakistan's more than 150 million people. Non-Muslims are issued permits to buy alcohol.

The brewery says they don't expect a large amount of sales and are only producing the whisky in limited quantities.

The company says it doesn't want to upset anyone's sensitivities. Exporting alcohol was also banned, so the whisky will only be sold in Pakistan.



Flaming massage chairs

Two massage chairs caught fire after the power cords in their motors gave off sparks. They were demo chairs at Japan's Matsushita Electric Works.

Matsushita Electric Industrial Co. Ltd., the maker of the Panasonic-brand item, is issuing a recall of thousands of the chairs.

No one was injured in the two incidents. The malfunction is being blamed on repeated customer use.

The high-end chairs sell for between $1,645 and $3,290.
Which is why they got so much repeated customer use.


China jumps on the pole

Hard-up college students did it, then celebrities and housewives in Europe and the U.S., now China is jumping on the bandwagon. Pole dancing recently became the latest trend in Western fitness. Now the pastime has reached the conservative masses in China.

The first pole dancing school was opened recently in Beijing. The school is trying to sell the activity as fun, not morally bankrupt.

The school says the sell was tough at first, but the more people hear about how it is just for fitness, the more keen they are to try it out.

Sex is still a taboo subject in China, and most people associate pole dancing with seedy moral character.

In a related story, the Chinese government declared "fitness" to be a four-letter word.


Town says "no" to public stoning

Stoning to death in public, circumcision, burning alive or throwing acid on them: just a few of the things spelled out by the local council in Herouxville, Quebec that you can't do to women.

The town is making sure none of its increasing immigrant population will carry out such heinous crimes. How to tolerate immigrants' traditions and customs is a source of tension in the mostly French-speaking Quebec.

The town says the declaration of rules is not racist against immigrants. They think it is part of a larger debate over how to accommodate immigrants without offending them, or compromising their own rules.

Why do governments always eliminate the really good spectator sports?


Cop on top

A 16-year-old girl performed topless jumping jacks, after a policeman suggested she do so to avoid arrest. The officer found the girl and a 19-year-old man in a car with few clothes on. He threatened to arrest them for lewd and lascivious behavior if she did not comply with his demands.

Pensacola, Fla. City Council recently agreed to pay the girl $35,000 in damages for the incident, which occurred in April 2003. The officer was forced to resign and is serving a two-year probation sentence for extortion.

This story failed to mention that Officer Chang, trained in China, thought this was a "fitness arrest." Moreover, his training in Quebec eliminated other reasonable alternatives such as stoning, circumsion, burning the girl alive, or throwing acid on her.

"I thought I showed a great deal of restraint," stated Officer Change.

Note to Pensacola City Council: I would do topless jumping jacks for $35,00!


And that's the news from around the world.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box