Friday, May 29, 2009

Yeetle Box - News We Don't Need

CHINA - A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday. Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng (66) broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.

“I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests,” Lai was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.

GERMANY - A would-be gangster shot himself in the crotch when his gun went off half-cocked in his pocket. Lukas Neuhardt (27) had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany. He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crotch in a bungled robbery. But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact.

And finally...

NEW ZEALAND - A three-year-old New Zealand girl bought a mechanical digger for £8 000 while her parents were asleep. Pipi Quinlan logged onto the family computer and got on to an online auction site her mum had been using earlier. She then submitted what turned out to be a winning bid of 20 000 New Zealand dollars for a massive Kobelco digger, the Rodney Times reports.

The YeetleMaster

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Yeetle Box - Cutié Leaves Church For Church

A popular Miami priest and media personality known as "Father Oprah" has left the Catholic Church to become an Anglican after he was photographed cavorting on the beach with his girlfriend - an act which goes against the Catholic church's staunch stand against cavorting with women.

The Rev. Alberto Cutié was removed from his Miami Beach church after photos of him kissing and embracing a woman appeared in the pages of a Spanish-language magazine earlier this month. And by removed, we mean ousted, thrown out on his can, dispatched.

However, determined to spread the word of Gawwd while still cavorting, Cui"tie was received into the Episcopal Church, the U.S. branch of the Anglican Communion, in a ceremony Thursday at Trinity Cathedral where he was greeted as a liberator and masterful media mogul. He may later announce he will marry his girlfriend, which is allowed in that denomination. Strike that, he WILL marry his girlfriend.

But, he must complete other requirements before serving as an Episcopal priest:

He must denounce the Catholic church.
He must write a 1,000 word essay on cavorting for distribution throughout the Episcopalians.
He must thank God for the many in his community who have shown him their love.

Said Father Oprah, "I thank God for the many people in our community who have shown me their love and support. Your prayers have truly sustained me at this time of transition in my life. With God's help, I hope to continue priestly ministry and service - and cavort - in my new spiritual home."

Anti-celibacy priest' Cutié has previously said he supports the Catholic Church's stand that priests should be celibate and does not want to become the "anti-celibacy priest." He wants to be the deflowered anti-celibacy priest.

The Cuban-American priest was born in Puerto Rico and previously hosted shows on the Spanish-language channel Telemundo. He is also a syndicated Spanish-language columnist and author of the book "Real Life, Real Love: 7 Paths to a Strong, Lasting Relationship." The book has sold well among Mormons and Episcopalians, but poorly among Catholics.

He headed the archdiocese's Radio Paz and Radio Peace broadcasts, heard throughout the Americas and in Spain, and earned the nickname "Father Oprah" — as in talk show host Oprah Winfrey — for his relationship advice.

Earlier this month, Cutié told CBS he has been romantically involved with the woman in the photos for about two years after being friends for much longer.

"I believe that I've fallen in love, and I believe that I've struggled with that, between my love for God, and my love for the Church and my love for service," Cutié said. He made no mention of his love for the woman - which is a really bad move for a guy who wants to cavort with that woman.

After the scandal, more than 100 Ditto Heads gathered outside Cutié's former parish in Miami Beach, waving posters and chanting their forgiveness following the scandal.
Cutié wiped the tears from his eyes, and said, "They just don't know how hard it's been."

Monday, May 25, 2009

Yeetle Box - Gorillas Among Us

Fond du Lac police are on the lookout for a person dressed in a gorilla suit who tried to steal large styrofoam bananas from displays at three Kwik Trip stores this week

"Somebody dressed in a gorilla suit entered the store and was apparently trying to take a large banana that they had as part of a banana display," Police Capt. Steve Klein said. "Fortunately, the banans are not edible."

The costumed individual tried to steal the banana from the Kwik Trip on Park Street around 12:30 a.m. Wednesday and then moved on to another Kwik Trip store on Johnson Street and attempted the same crime, guarenteeing this would be labeled as The Kwik Trip Crime Spree.

"I laughed a little bit. I looked at our camera and watched it, had a few more laughs and I just let everyone know, ‘Hey, we have a gorilla on the loose,’" Kwik Trip manager Marissa Erber said. "I didn't consider the gorilla suited individual might have a weapon under that suit. I just laughed."

An employee at her Park Street store tried to unmask the ape and discovered the gorilla was a woman, but police still haven't ruled anyone out. "One woman dressed as a gorilla does not mean we have captured the culprit. There could me hundred, maybe thousands, of these poeple out there - not to mention real gorillas."

"She tried to grab it and leave the store with it, but the third-shift worker kind of convinced her to lay it on the floor and she ran out," Erber said.

But police said the banana beckoned again Wednesday night and the gorilla was caught on tape, returning for a third, more fruitful try. "

The person walked in with the gorilla suit, yanked the banana down from the display and went out the front door," Klein said.The Park Street store is planning to lay banana bait to try and catch the thief - an idea first brought to their attention from re-runs of Barney Miller.

"We're going to hang it up again tomorrow and see what happens," Erber said. "Now, everyone step aside. Nothing to see here."

The YeetleMaster

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Yeetle Box - Bank Error Creates Fugitives

New Zealand police have launched an international search for a couple who fled with millions of dollars after NZ$10 million (US$6.05 million) was accidentally deposited into their bank account.
Detective Senior Sergeant David Harvey of New Zealand Police said in a statement on Thursday that an investigation team was working with Westpac Bank on the case. In New Zealand, bank errors in favor of the customer carry a sentence exceeding the death penalty.

New Zealand's news agency NZPA said the couple, who ran a gas station in the northern city of Rotorua, had applied to Westpac Bank for a NZ$10,000 overdraft but 1,000 times that amount was paid into their account in error. The employee who made the error is quoted as saying, "Blimey, mate."

"The individuals associated with this account are believed to have left New Zealand and police (are) working through Interpol to locate those individuals," Harvey said in a statement. Harvey, of course, from the famed Jimmy Stewart, now a retired actor, works undercover on bank fraud cases.

"Westpac Bank has recovered some of the money which had been inappropriately withdrawn and have charged overdraft fees to the fugitives."

The bank refused to say how much of the money had been recovered or give any other details, nor comment on which country the couple may have fled to - ending his sentence in a preposition which carries 10 - 15 years in New Zealand.

But local newspaper The Rotorua Review quoted a source saying that a police liaison officer was sent to China recently to search for the couple. Said a local reporter for the paper, "It's as good a place as any to start."
Westpac refused to confirm the amount of money missing as they had not yet counted how much was missing, but in a statement said the bank was "pursuing vigorous criminal and civil action to recover the sum of money stolen." Vigorous banks, as everyone knows, can be very cranky.

Banking ombudsman Liz Brown told Rotorua's The Daily Post newspaper that generally it was a criminal offence for people to spend money that was accidentally put into their bank account if they knew it did not belong to them. "Generally speaking," she said, "it's not right. If the money is placed in your account, we generally don't like you to take it out and spend it - generally speaking."

In her 15 years as banking ombudsman she said she had been involved in 10 to 20 cases of this kind which were legally referred to as "payment by mistake" - or, as the ordinary citizen might say, "the lottery."

The YeetleMaster

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Yeetle Box - Of Asparagus and the Man I Sing

German police are searching for a motorist who beat a 24-year-old woman selling white asparagus because he was upset about her asking price for the coveted springtime vegetable. He was last seen with a Caesar Salad he has stolen from his neighbor.

The prices for white asparagus, sometimes called "edible ivory" in Germany, fluctuate wildly during the short springtime season, peaking early in the season at 10 euros (or about ten bucks) per kilo. Most asparagus goes for 1 to 5 euros.

The man screamed at the woman that her asparagus was overpriced. "Sie sind ein capatilist Schwein. Keirkagaard würde über Sie beschämt sein." He then punched her in the face and threatened to unleash his attack dog at her - a toy German spitz. "Sie sind ein Irres," she shouting as she fled to call the police.

"Der Kraftfahrer sagte, dass ihre Preise total über der Oberseite waren," said Dietmar Keck, police spokesman in the Havelland district west of Berlin, without saying how much she was asking.

Prices for asparagus now range from 1 to 5 euros per kilo, he said. Some 55,000 tons valued at 175 million euros are harvested annually. "Der Kraftfahrer sagte, dass ihre Preise total über der Oberseite waren," he said. "Aber der Spitz war Ausweg der Linie."

Police are holding the man for questioning in hopes of finding the best price of white asparagus.

Das YeetleMaster

Friday, May 15, 2009

The Yeetle Box - Between a Rocik and a Hard Place

Losing a job can be a sickeningly stressful experience. It can make you feel down, cause stress that effects normal functioning. It's just not good.

But wait! You can keep taking your medicine.
Pfizer, one of the world's largest biopharmaceutical companies, launched a program Thursday providing medications free of charge to unemployed, uninsured Americans for up to a year. Pfizer?

The initiative, called the Medicines Assistance for Those who Are In Need (MAINTAIN) program - which took the entire marketing department to brand, enables Americans who have lost their jobs and health insurance this year to keep taking 70 of Pfizer's most common brand-name medications, including cholesterol-drug Lipitor, arthritis medication Celebrex and impotence treatment Viagra. This will help those with high cholestoral, arthirtis, and penile dysfunction - the most common ailments for which treatment is sought.

"This is about understanding the environment and the economy. We are in unprecedented times and people need help," said Pfizer spokesman Ray Kerins as he pawed at his pants with his arthritic hand.

"We all know people who have been laid off recently and have lost their health insurance, making it difficult for them to pay for health care," said Dr. Jorge Puente, Pfizer's regional president of worldwide pharmaceuticals in a statement. "We thought there must be some way we could help recently unemployed people who are taking Pfizer medicines to continue treatment during these challenging economic times. Hell, even we, a multibillion conglomerate have laid off as many as 800 researchers in a tacit admission that our laboratories have failed to live up to the tens of billions of dollars it has poured into them in recent years."

Puente helped conceive of the program during an employee training meeting during which talk drifted to the recession, says Kerins. Employees began sharing stories of friends and relatives who were unemployed and could no longer afford their medicine, and Puente suggested, to his outstoundment, what eventually became the MAINTAIN program.

To be eligible, Pfizer customers must:

Have lost their job since Jan. 1, 2009.

Have been taking a Pfizer medication for at least three months prior to becoming unemployed and enrolling in the program.

Lack prescription drug coverage.

Attest to financial hardship.

Demonstrate a limp penis.

Kerins would not disclose how many Pfizer customers the company believes will take advantage of the program or what the cost may be to Pfizer throughout the year, nor how much they save in marketing.

"We have done our due diligence," said Kerins. "The reality is it's not about that. This is about helping people and we want people to take advantage of this program ... if you need medication, you should not be without it."

Hey, Pfizer, my penis is flailing!

To learn more about the MAINTAIN program call 1-866-706-2400 or visit

It could save your marriage.

The YeetleMaster

Friday, May 08, 2009

Yeetle Box - Dead Mother Collects Government Benefits

A Florida woman has been indicted for keeping her dead mother's body in a bedroom for six years while collecting more than $200,000 in pension benefits, U.S. prosecutors said on Thursday.

Penelope Sharon Jordan of Sebastian, Florida, was charged by a federal grand jury last week with Social Security fraud and theft, the U.S. Attorney's Office in Miami said. No charges for keeping a rotting corpse in the bedroom were leveled.

Police found the decaying body of her mother, Timmie Jordan, on a bed in a spare bedroom at the mother's home in late March, when they were called to investigate a report of nuisance cats. Dead cats, it turns out. Penelope Jordan told police her mother had died in 2003, so what does she have to do with this?

The indictment alleged Jordan concealed her mother's death in order to receive both her U.S. Social Security benefits and her military survivor's benefit. Her attorney stated the fact that she did not conceal the body left her blameless and proved that government entitlement programs were highly inefficient.

Jordan collected $61,415 from Social Security and $176,461 from the military pension during the six years, prosecutors said - which is equivalent to less than $40,000 per year. A pittance for the amount of work she did keeping her moth in the house.

She could face up to 15 years in prison.

Local media reported that the 61-year-old woman told police her mother died of old age and she kept the remains because she couldn't afford burial expenses. Rather, she chose to let her rot slowly until she could disposed of the remains through conventional waste management.

An autopsy found no signs of foul play. An autopsy of Ms. Jordan would have revealed something much different.

According to a local paper, police found many cats on Jordan's property but she denied they were hers. She stated the cats belonged to her mother.

(Reporting by Jim Loney, editing by Jane Sutton and Sandra Maler, guest writer / editor The YeetleMaster.)

The YeetleMaster

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Yeetle Box - Face Off

Five years ago, a shotgun blast left a ghastly hole where the middle of her face had been. Five months ago, she received a new face from a dead woman. Sound like fiction?

Connie Culp stepped forward Tuesday to show off the results of the nation’s first face transplant, and her new look was a far cry from the puckered, noseless sight that made children run away in horror. Instead, children gawk at the dead woman's face that lies over Connie's old face.

Culp’s expressions are still a bit wooden (as in "you might feel a little pressure), but she can talk, smile, smell and taste her food again. Her speech is at times a little tough to understand - some might say impaired. Her face is bloated and squarish, and her skin droops in big folds that doctors plan to pare away as her circulation improves and her nerves grow, animating her new muscles. Yes, the re-animator has arrived.

But Culp had nothing but praise for those who made her new face possible.

“I guess I’m the one you came to see today,” the 46-year-old Ohio woman said at a news conference at the Cleveland Clinic, where the groundbreaking operation was performed. But “I think it’s more important that you focus on the donor family that made it so I could have this person’s face. It's a bit strange and will cause confusion among surviving family members, but this is my face now.”
Culp said she wants to help foster acceptance of those who have suffered burns and other disfiguring injuries by demonstrating lack of self-acceptance.

“When somebody has a disfigurement and don’t look as pretty as you do, don’t judge them, because you never know what happened to them,” she said. “Don’t judge people who don’t look the same as you do. Because you never know. One day it might be all taken away. It's inside a person that counts, except for the face. That's where we must draw the line.”

Once while shopping, she heard a little kid say, "You said there were no real monsters, mommy, and there’s one right there." Culp stopped and said, “I’m not a monster. I’m a person who was shot,” and pulled out her driver’s license to show the child what she used to look like - then pulled him close to her face and whispered, "Feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya?"

Culp left the hospital Feb. 5 and has returned for periodic follow-up care. She has suffered only one mild rejection episode that was controlled with a single dose of steroid medicines. She must take immune-suppressing drugs for the rest of her life, but her dosage has been greatly reduced and she needs only a few pills a day.

In your face!

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Yeetle Box - Someone Turn Off The Dog!

Universally known for their continued contributions to modern medicine, South Korean scientists say they have engineered four beagles that glow red using cloning techniques that could help develop cures for human diseases that cause people to glow.

The four dogs, all named "Ruppy" — a combination of the words "ruby" and "puppy" — look like typical beagles by daylight.

But they glow red under ultraviolet light, and the dogs' nails and abdomens, which have thin skins, look red even to the naked eye. This is an enormous breakthrough with massive implications.

Seoul National University professor Lee Byeong-chun, head of the research team, called them the "world's first transgenic dogs" carrying fluorescent genes, an achievement that goes beyond just the glowing novelty or the color red.

"What's significant in this work is not the dogs expressing red colors but that we planted genes into them," Lee said. "This is an achievement we hope will result in a Nobel prize or, at least, a blue ribbon.

But wait! Didn't scientists in the U.S., Japan and Europe previously clone fluorescent mice and pigs? Yes, but this would be the first time dogs with modified genes have been cloned successfully, Lee said, glowingly.

He said his team took skin cells from a beagle, inserted fluorescent genes into them and put them into eggs before implanted them into the womb of a surrogate mother, a local mixed breed named George Cloney.

Six female beagles were born in December 2007 through a cloning with a gene that produces a red fluorescent protein that make them glow, he said. Two died, but the four others survived.

The glowing dogs show it is possible to successfully insert genes with a specific trait, which could lead to implanting other, non-fluorescent genes that could help treat specific diseases, Lee said. "Invisibility is not out of the question," he stated with a straight face.

A South Korean scientist who created glowing cats in 2007 based on a similar cloning technique said that Lee's puppies are genuine clones, saying he had seen them and had read about them in the journal. He even heard some talk of them at the university.

"We can appraise this is a step forward" toward finding cures for human diseases, said veterinary professor Kong Il-keun at South Korea's Gyeongsang National University. "What is important now is on what specific diseases (Lee's team) will focus on. Might it be acne? Possibly."

Lee was a key aide to disgraced scientist Hwang Woo-suk (pronounced "Wang! You suck!), whose breakthroughs on stem cell research were found to have been made using faked data, thereby failing to meet the definition of a breakthrough.

The YeetleMaster