Yeetle Box - Of Cows and Dogs I Sing

Four people have died after being trampled by cows in the past two months in England, prompting Britain's main farming union to issue a warning about the dangers of provoking the normally docile animals.

Britain has 7.5 million cows, but in the past eight years there have only been 18 deaths involving cattle, including bulls whose dangers are well-known - by people and cows alike.

The current spate (yes, spate!) of attacks by cows began on the Pennine Hills on June 21, when Liz Crowsley, a veterinary surgeon from Warrington, was crushed against a wall and then trampled underfoot while out walking with her two dogs. It is said the cows are attacking the dogs. It is said...

On July 15, another attack took place in Derbyshire, when Barry Pilgrim, a 65-year old from the area, was trampled to death by a cow as his wife looked on, smiling.
Three days later, Anita Hinchey, a 63-year-old, was walking her dog near Cardiff when a cow attacked her and trampled her to death. The dog was fine.

The fourth fatal attack claimed the life of Harold Lee, a 75-year-old farmer from Burtle in the West Country. He was killed by his own herd, which may have been made nervous by the siren of a passing ambulance. His own herd! A herd he milked and talked to, fed, housed.

Apparently, the risk is especially high in the spring when many of the calves are only a month or two old and the mothers are therefore especially protective, the NFU said.
"It's to do with spring and autumn calving," said Sheasby of the NFU. "Yep. Calving."

"In the autumn, cattle will be coming into winter housing, but in spring you want them out grazing the grass."

Cow-charging incidents received extended coverage when former Home Secretary David Blunkett was attacked by one in June as his guide dog led him across a field in England's Peak District.

Blunkett broke a rib and was heavily bruised but survived. And so was the dog.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - When You Just Can't Be Bothered

Sometimes I just can't get to this blog. Sometimes I'm away, or eating a sandwich, or asleep. Sometimes I just don't want to be both. But I still aim for 24/7 customer service.

So I have created my own private virtual personality: YBOT.

To talk to YBOT, click on the image below. That is YBOT himself.

Once you get there, YBOT will talk to you.

He speaks for me.

You will still be alone talking to yourself, but it's been them scratching and mumbling.

Have a great conversation with me in my absence.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Make War, Not Healthcare

During a heated town hall meeting on federal health care reform, gay Rep. Barney Frank lashed out at a protester who held a poster depicting President Barack Obama with a Hitler-style mustache.

"On what planet do you spend most of your time?" Frank asked the woman, who had stepped up to the podium at a southeastern Massachusetts senior center to ask why Frank supports what she called a Nazi policy. "Earth," she replied tersely. "I'm an immigrant from Uranus and a citizen."

"Ma'am, trying to have a conversation with you would be like trying to argue with a dining room table - at best a futon. I have no interest in doing it," Frank said. He paused. "Furniture might have MORE to say."

Frank noted that her ability to deface an image of the president and express her views "is a tribute to the First Amendment that this kind of vile, contemptible nonsense is so freely propagated." No one applauded the First Amendment, but took the time to review their talking points.

Frank, who chairs the House Financial Services Committee, sought to assure more than 500 people attending the rowdy meeting that the average taxpayer wouldn't be hurt by plans currently under consideration in Congress. Honest.

Said Representative Gay Frank, "We don't even understand it. We only read half of it. And it's not half bad."

Some of those attending the meeting organized by the Democratic Town Committee of Dartmouth shouted and booed as Frank and others addressed the crowd. They were told the town hall meeting was a meet and greet with Alan Jackson.

At one point, Frank asked the crowd: "Which one of you wants to yell next?" An old timer with a grizzly beard and no teeth stood up. "I'd like to yell sumpin'," he cackled.

Several people wanted to know how the government would pay for the reforms without worsening a growing federal budget deficit and a potential ban on guns rumored to be Obama's Republican stance on weapons ownership.
At least two dozen protesters gathered in small groups outside, handing out pamphlets and holding signs criticizing the overhaul, Obama and Frank. Some of the posters read: "It's the economy stupid, stop the spending" and "Healthcare reform yes, government takeover, no. Tort Reform Now" "We need our money for Iraq." "Save AIG." "Make Love, Not Healthcare."

Audrey Steele, 82, from New Bedford, said she does not want the government to get involved with health care because "they just make a mess of everything," referring to the $700 billion bailout of financial institutions that was used to pay for lavish conferences and hefty executive compensation. "The elixir I gets from the soda shop suits me just fine."

As an aside, others at Tuesday's meeting were more supportive of reform.

Sheila Leavitt of Newton, once a practicing physician, said she hoped for changes that would support primary care physicians who aren't paid as much as specialists. She said some of the rowdy critics at Tuesday's meeting appeared to be using the same "talking points" as those who showed up at similar meetings around the country. Then, Ninja-like, she seemed to vanish into the nearby alley and was never seen again.

The Yeetle Box

Yeetle Box - Hard Time

An Illinois judge has freed a man who had been in jail for three weeks after letting loose a loud yawn during a sentencing hearing.

Thirty-three-year-old Clifton Williams of Richton Park was found in contempt of court and jailed on July 23 after yawning in Will County Judge Daniel Rozak's court. He could have been jailed for six months, but was given merely three weeks - the minimum for yawning in court.

Williams was in court for his cousin's sentencing on a drug charge. A prosecutor in court at the time described the offending yawn as "loud and boisterous, like a train coming through a tunnel. A big train coming through a big tunnel. Disgusting!"

As Williams stood before the bench in shackles on Thursday, the judge gave him a short lecture. He told Williams he wasn't in custody for simply yawning but for making a sound "that was offensive to the court, to the entire judicial process, and to all that is great and good about the United States of America."

The judge continued, "You have yawned in the face of freedom, young man. That will not be tolerated in this courtroom."

Said Williams later, outside the courthouse steps, "The whole thiing was really boring. I'm tired now."

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Gerbil in a Microwave

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Running With The Wives

Wife carrying is a sport in which male competitors race while each carrying a female teammate. The objective is for the male to carry the female through a special obstacle track in the fastest time. The sport was first introduced at Sonkajärvi, Finland - a name which cannot be pronounced.

Several types of carry may be practised: piggyback, fireman's carry (over the shoulder), or, my favorite, Estonian-style (the wife hangs upside-down with her legs around the husband's shoulders, holding onto his waist).

Major wife-carrying competitions are held in Sonkajärvi, Finland (where the prize depends on the wife's weight in beer) Monona, Wisconsin, and Marquette, Michigan.

The goal: carry your wife as quickly as possible to the finish line.
The Prize: your wife's weight in beer. The heavier the wife, the more beer!

There are no current plans

to expand the sport

to include husband carrying.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - It's All News To Me

Good evening Mr and Mrs America, from border to border
and coast to coast and all the ships at sea.
Let's go to press.
- Walter Winchell

Game show aims to convert atheists

Apparently believing that religious competition in the Middle East is not exciting enough already, the television station Kanal T in Istanbul, Turkey, is preparing a reality game show for September release in which 10 certified atheists try to resist conversion by a priest, a rabbi, a Muslim imam and a Buddhist monk. The exact rules have not been disclosed, but the "winning" convert will receive an expense-paid trip to the holy land of the most persuasive religion (the Vatican, Jerusalem, Mecca or Tibet).

People With Issues

(1) Todd Hall, 36, was sentenced to a year in prison after his conviction in Bentonville, Ark., in June for habitually biting the toes of his son, which Hall said he did up to age 6 as routine discipline. (He had earlier been on probation for the disciplinary biting of his 10-month-old daughter.)

(2) In June in Muncie, Ind., in his second such conviction in seven months, Robert Stahl, 64, was found guilty of resolving disputes with men in their 50s by reaching into their mouths and yanking out their dentures.

Bright Ideas

By early July, Jonathan Baltesz and his wife and kids were desperate to find their 10-year-old black Labrador mix, Simon, who had run away. They had one more plan, however. The family members urinated into containers and sprinkled the contents at various locales around their town (Bristol, England), laid out so that Simon could follow a trail home. (Results were unavailable at press time.)

Least Competent Criminals

(1) A Polynesian man in his 20s was being sought as the robber of the Black Diamond Equipment store in Salt Lake City in June. He made off with some gear from the ski and climbing accessory store, but had originally demanded jewelry, as he apparently thought he was knocking off a "diamond" store.

(2) Motorist Zackary Johnson was arrested in Athens, Ga., in June after pulling over a passing police car to inquire whether he had any warrants outstanding against him. No, answered the officer after a computer check, but he noted that Johnson's driver's license is under suspension, and he was arrested.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Fine Turkish Blend

A restaurant owner in southwest Turkey was shot dead after he tried to prevent his customers from smoking to comply with a new law on the use of tobacco indoors.

A fight broke out after Hidir Karayigit, 46, ordered a group of customers to extinguish their cigarettes when they began smoking at his "meyhane," a traditional restaurant that serves alcohol, in the town of Saruhanli.

One of the customers shot Karayigit four times after he took away the group's cigarettes, said witness Hamza Havutcu, Karayigit's business partner who was also shot and wounded.

Turkey's government on July 19 introduced a nationwide ban on indoor smoking, including bars and restaurants, despite the fact that half of Turks aged between the ages of 15 and 49 smoke; one of the highest rates in the world.

"I'm deeply saddened that the first smoking-ban murder occurred in our town," Saruhanli Mayor Veli Yalcin told Hurriyet. "They either shouldn't have outlawed smoking or they should have outlawed alcohol along with smoking. There would be many more shootings."

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - The Beehive State

With no warning a Utah woman lost her homeowners insurance.

Patricia Hanson has been with the insurance company for over a decade but in May it canceled her policy because of chipped paint and weeds.

If someone were to drive by and take a picture of Hanson’s home they may think it was in bad shape - but only if you took a picture. Otherwise, it would look like any other shabby white house - like, well, the White House. However, Hanson points out that what you’re seeing is renovation in progress. Many other Utah homeowners are doing the same thing, and she doesn’t understand why her insurance company has ditched her. And she's not even a Mormon.

Hanson has been planning the upgrades to her home for some time now, but before she had the chance to get them done her insurance company pulled the plug, cancelling her homeowner’s policy without any notice.

“I didn't have a call from anybody, no contact, I don't even know who drove by, just came out of the blue,” says Hanson. "There was that one guy taking pictures, but I thought he was a landscaper."

Hanson says she got a letter in may after making a payment to renew her policy. She was stunned that it was explaining the reasons for cancellation - that it could talk! The one paragraph letter sstated, "Peeling paint on all portions of the dwelling. Overgrown vegetation…peeling paint on garage siding, window sills missing paint."

Boldly springing into action, Hanson got on the phone and explained work was being done to fix it. So, how do we know? She explains.

“If you look around you will see that most of the paint is on the ground here because we've been power washing,” says Hanson. "The rest is on the house because that's the style I'm goin' for. I'm getting rid of this, all the grass, going to a zero-scape so this is all covered to kill any of the grass that was left. And this is going, too,” she said pointing to the chimney sweep.

Hanson’s insurance agent is out of town while his home is being renovated, but did say on the phone they do give advanced warning when cancelling a policy. He said he will re-instate Hanson when the fixes are made and find her other coverage in the meantime. Perhaps COBRA.

Brad Tibbitts with the Utah Insurance Department says he’s heard of cases like this but they’re uncommon.

“The insurance companies have the right to find out whether or not the house is in good enough shape to be eligible for the premium rates,” says Tibbitts. "I had my insurance cancelled just for the lawn jockeys I had after ninja insurance agents discovered them and the whole in my basement."

He says they have to give a client 30 days notice before cancellation. However, homeowners are not required to notify their insurance companies before remodeling or upgrade work but it's not a bad idea.

Would be just as good an idea to tell the insurance comes to leave their clients alone - if they want clients.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Bubbles Recalls MJ's Last Days

On the day Michael Jackson died, his monkey, Bubbles, was behaving erratically, throwing feces at the wall - perhaps a hint of something amiss.

Bubbles, a Common Chimpanzee was rescued by Jackson from a cancer research clinic in Texas in 1985. The pair enjoyed a close relationship. Bubbles sat in for the recording sessions of the Bad album and escorted Jackson for the filming of the "Bad" music video.

During the Bad World Tour, he and the singer shared a two-bedroom hotel suite in Tokyo.Bubbles initially resided at the Jackson family's Encino home, but moved to Neverland Ranch in 1988, where he slept in a crib at the corner of Jackson's bedroom. Bubbles was allowed to use Jackson's private toilet, although the chimp sometimes wore a diaper.

Bubbles made a finger gesture towards Michael Jackson's doctor, Murray, coming and going from the mansion. The doctor usually arrived about 9 or 9:30 p.m. and would go upstairs to Jackson’s room, and Bubbles said he would not see him again before he left — sometimes late in the evening — but understood he was staying the night.

In the morning, Bubbles screached like a banshee as the the doctor came down the steps carrying oxygen tanks.

At about 1:30 p.m. Bubbles saw security guards who told the people on two legs and other staff to leave the property because "Mr. Jackson was being taken to the hospital."

When he came outside, she said, ambulances were in the courtyard and a crowd had gathered.

As for Bubble's future, Jackson encouraged him to learn more sign language and to better potty train himself.

Using gestures, Bubbles appeared to say, "He was an inspiration to me - in an evolutionary kinda way."

’We were all praying, ‘Help Mr. Jackson be OK.’

"Then everyone was very quiet, and I started throwing feces.













The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - The New American Value

Sarah Palin stepped down as Alaska governor on Sunday with a fiery speech reminiscent of her days as running mate to Republican John McCain — who lost the election by a sizeable margin. She frequently revved up crowds while attacking Democrats and the news media - two highly siginificant issues in today's economy.

On Sunday, Palin took on old foes in the media, Hollywood and the Lower 48 states. Old foes as in Brad Pitt, the New York Times and the rest of the country. She scolded reporters for making things up, mocked Hollywood stars who have opposed wolf-control programs (uh...yeah....wolf-control programs), and complained that "outside special interests still don't get it. Wolf-control programs don't work!"

Palin, 45, said she was resigning with more than a year left in her first term to take her political battles to a larger if unspecified stage and avoid an unproductive, lame duck status. Daffy Duck seemed to suit her more.

"With this decision, now, I will be able to fight even harder for you, for what is right, and for truth, and to race my ideological snow machine even faster across the tundra of America," the former Republican vice presidential candidate said.

Typical to form, Palin called her 2 1/2-year tenure as governor a success, citing efforts to take on the state's long-dominant oil industry and progress on development of a natural gas pipeline - two competing if not dissonant stances. She also cited ethics reform without even talking about her local scandals or her husband's scandals, or her daughter's scandals.

Palin leaves office with her political future clouded by ethics probes, mounting legal bills and dwindling popularity. She has been targeted by nearly 20 ethics complaints filed by Alaska residents, averaging one complaint for every 1,000 people in Alaska, for, you see, Alaska is tiny and irrelevant.

She did not refer directly to the ethics complaints in her 19-minute speech, but has repeatedly cited the financial and psychological toll of those investigations as a key reason she is stepping down. "I'm gonna tell it where's a body down," she said.

Palin said her departure would spare Alaska an unproductive, "politics as usual" lame-duck session, adding that she would always work for Alaska - except now because she'd be a lame duck.

"When I took the oath to serve you, I promised, remember what I promised? To steadfastly and doggedly guard the interests of this great state like that grizzly guards her cubs, as a mother naturally guards her own. And I will keep that vow wherever the road may lead," she said. "I might not be here, and I might not be Governor, and I might not even remember you, but you will always be in my heart like...like...Who needs metaphors?"

Free speech was a theme of her farewell speech at the crowded picnic in Fairbanks, as the outgoing governor scolded "some seemingly hell-bent on tearing down our nation" and warned Americans to "be wary of accepting government largesse."

"It doesn't come free," she said.

Palin also took aim at the media, saying her replacement, Lt. Gov. Sean Parnell, "has a very nice family too, so, hey! newsmen, leave those kids alone!"

And she told the media: "How about, in honor of the American soldier, you quit makin' things up?" (Let's pause and ask what she is talking about. OK, that's long enough.)

Larry Landry, 51, of Fairbanks held up a red, white and blue sign that that read, "Quitting: the new American value." The other side read: "Thanks for the laughs."

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Furry Fury

A man plotted to kill his adoptive parents with the help of a friend he met on the internet at a site called www.killmyparentsextremesexacts.com, a site for “furries” – people who pretend to be animal characters and share sexual role-playing fantasies.

Apparently, Christopher Monks, 24, wanted Shaun Skarnes to murder his parents Christopher and Elizabeth Monks while they slept and then perform an extreme sex act on him.

The two played computer games before Skarnes left, telling Mr. and Mrs. Monks he was getting the train home to Ellesmere Port, Cheshire, and thanking them for having him around.

Monks then watched a DVD with his parents while Skarnes waited for hours in a playpark nearby until he received a text from his friend, telling him the couple were asleep in the four-bedroom house they shared with their son. The text message read, “Furry Fury Go Go Go,” meaning the plan was a go.

Mr. Monks woke in the early hours of the morning to find Skarnes beside his bed dressed as a wolf, clutching a kitchen knife and a Chop-a-Matic.

Mr. Monks, dressed as a grizzly bear, grappled with the intruder and yelled for help from his wife, who was sleeping downstairs dressed as a viper.

Mr. Monks told the court: "I had this weird feeling he was trying to kill me. My wife tried to hit him with a stick but it broke. After the stick broke, she talked to him in a calming way, like a cobra might do. His manner changed completely."

Mr. Monks was left with bruised arms, a cut palm and bite marks.

The younger Monks, who was downstairs during the attack with his zipper stuck on his rabbit outfit, was initially treated as a witness but then later arrested.

Mr. Watson said Monks had talked about his sexual desire for his penis to be bitten off in online chatroom discussions.

He told the jury: "It may seem extreme that he wanted his penis bitten off, but there is ample evidence from websites he visited and conversations with Shaun Skarnes that this was a deeply held interest and one he found sexually stimulating. While many men fantasize about castration, apparently his fantasy got the best of him. Er…”

"It seems that Skarnes was to receive no money for killing Mr. and Mrs. Monks but the prospect of biting off Monks' penis. This was the climactic act of the conspiracy – a conspiracy that rivals even Dick Cheney’s wildest dreams who has shown extreme interest in the case."

Elizabeth Monks told the court that her adopted son was a quiet boy who never lost his temper and did well at his temping job at an educational training centre, where she also works. “He’s never talked to us about having his penis bitten off,” she said.

Her husband added: "We have no doubt that (Christopher) did not intend to go to this extreme. He knows that we would have done anything for him. Well, almost anything."

Skarnes, of Sutton Way, Ellesmere Port, and Monks, dressed as Bambi, both deny conspiracy to murder Mr. and Mrs. Monks.

The YeetleMaster

6 Non-Scary Sex Toys to Try Tonight Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

6 Non-Scary Sex Toys to Try Tonight Sex, Love & Life: glamour.com

Shared via AddThis

Yeetle Box - Happy 4th of July

One of the most enduring myths about Independence Day is that Congress signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776.The myth had become so firmly established that, decades after the event and nearing the end of their lives, even the elderly Thomas Jefferson and John Adams had come to believe that they and the other delegates had signed the Declaration on the fourth. Most delegates actually signed the Declaration on August 2, 1776.

In a remarkable series of coincidences, both John Adams and Thomas Jefferson, two founding fathers of the United States and the only two men who signed the Declaration of Independence to become president, died on the same day: July 4, 1826, which was the United States' 50th anniversary.
President James Monroe died exactly five years later, on July 4, 1831, but he was not a signatory to the Declaration of Independence.

I'm sorry, but the Fourth of July has past.
Whatever you're doing, stop doing it.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - What Were YOU Thinking

Across the United States of America,

where marketing departments work,

there is a thought that runs through our heads:

What the hell were you thinking?

all across the United States of America...

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - In The Name Of Love

An Egyptian man, in protest at his parents' choice of bride, cut off his own penis, a police official laughed.

The 25-year-old labourer from the village of Sheikh Eissa in southern Egypt was taken to hospital in stable condition, the official said, adding that the man had also mutilated his testicles. "He did a pretty good job," he added, chuckling. "Whack, whack, whack..."

The official sat down, sipping a beer.

"He was in love with a woman for two years, but his parents rejected her. They told him to marry another woman he didn't want. He took a knife and cut off his penis in his room."

The official guzzled the rest of the beer.

"I guess he really did not want her."

Doctors were unable to reattach the severed member, the official added.

"He'll never walk like an Egyptian again," he laughed, throwing the bottle into the street.



The penis has not been located to date.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Poetry In My Span Box

Read your spam. You might be surprised.

Spammers have searched tirelessly to find wasy to escape spam filters. In doing so, spammers have created a genre of poetry. To be sure, you are still directed to links for enrolling in online college programs, swatches, and bestiality.

But the beautful poetry that accompanies spam is well worth turning off your spam filter, sitting back, and reading some of the greatest poets today. Here are a three of the better spam poetica I have found within just the last 24 hours.

++++++++++
Virgin Black Lamenting Kissgotoreal

a man who...

And what's Steve talking about
in his paranoid of a potential?

She's called that b/c
She only likes taking her clothes
1/2 off

The How
good is it to live in California
[via] Datamancer
created an
On the way back
from a day long meeting
in Charleston

-shapiro mauricio
++++++++++
Rachel Hunter Showing on Beach

Ishmael Leaped To His Feet,
And His Followers Struggled
To Arm Them-selves
With Crude Implements.

-Alemtsehay Giuffre

++++++++++

Wow

Fat pussyGarden

Harvest Lemon topless
Young teen girls

and this
Burned my damn finger

the phones
Made it back from lunch

just in time

-bartel bren

++++++++++

Impressed? I was!

Do not ignore these literary gems.
Read your spam!

For more, visit Spam Poetica


The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Hugo Chavez Versus Coke Zero

The Venezuelan government of U.S.-critic President Hugo Chavez ordered Coca-Cola Co to withdraw its Coke Zero beverage from the South American nation, citing unspecified dangers to health. These unspecified dangers to health have been known to the U.S. for many years. For one, it's chocked full of caffeine, and you can't run an orderly revolution when your people are jacked up on Coke. For another, it makes people sing corny songs. (See below.)

The decision follows a wave of nationalizations and increased scrutiny of businesses in South America's top oil exporter. Health Minister Jesus Mantilla said the zero-calorie Coke Zero should no longer be sold and stocks of the drink removed from store shelves. And the cans crushed under the feet of revolutionaries.

"The product should be withdrawn from circulation to preserve the health of Venezuelans," the minister said in comments reported by the government's news agency. "We suspect Coke is causing our people to behave like capitalists."

Despite Chavez's anti-capitalist policies and rhetoric against consumerism, oil-exporting Venezuela remains one of Latin America's most Americanized cultures, with U.S. fast-food chains, shopping malls and baseball all highly popular. But Coke...now that's different. Artificial sweeteners don't sit well with Venazualians.

Neither Coca-Cola nor the bottler responded to requests for comment on Wednesday. The bottler was plagued with labor problems last year in Venezuela when former workers repeatedly blocked its plants demanding back pay to which Coke responded with a firm, "We're trying to teach the world to sing."

The government this year has seized a rice mill and pasta factory belonging to U.S. food giant Cargill and has threatened action against U.S. drug company Pfizer on the grounds that their medicines are detrimental to the people's health.

Coke has sent Bono and Brad Pitt as envoys to help resolve this matter.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Bob Dylan

The poem a oeLittle Buddya , which was considered to be singer Bob Dylan's original work, is apparently actually an old country song. Huh! Imagine that? Just another tidbit for the bio.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - When Words Collide

The Yeetlemaster

Yeetle Box - Hell Hath No Fure...

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned."

--William Congreve

First case in point:

A Moscow woman, identified only as Kira V., which narrows it down significantly, reacted "inappropriately" when her boyfriend, Alik, rejectied her marriage proposal. Kira, who had been living with Alik D. for two years decided to suggest the idea of marriage to her partner. Alik refused Kira's proposal, stating he would rather go back to his first wife than marry Kira V.

So, he began packing and moving out of the apartment they had shared for two years.

But Kira V. did not like this at all.

When Alik started moving out Kira suggested they have a farewell dinner - to celebrate thoe good times. After a hearty meal and some heavy drinking, Alik fell asleep. What Kire V. did next rivals Misery, tying several firecrackers to Alik's penis and exploded them.

This startled Alik. He woke with a bang, so to speak, and, soon after, was rushed to the hospital.

Alik is currently in critical condition.

Kira faces a minimum 12-year sentence if Alik survives. If he does not survive - which would be the good new - she is free. However, it is unlikely she will ever get another date or boyfriend.

==================================================

Second case in point:

Camilla Fields, a shoplifter from Memphis, Tenn., was stopped by a loss prevention officer at a local Wal-Mart. The officer approached Fields as she attempted to leave the store with several unpaid items. These items included razor blades, condoms, and whipped cream - an odd assortment of items.

When the officer approached, Fields hurled a car seat, containing her 2-month-old nephew, at the officer and escaped in a blue Ford Escort. The baby hit the concrete face-first, but was immediately helped by paramedics. The baby is fine. The child's mother, Stacey Cleaves was in the bathroom during the entire incident.

Fields was captured and faces charges of child abuse and neglect and assault - for throwing a baby...in a car seat...at officers...in a Wal-Mart...where you save money, live better.


The Mourning, Act 3, Scene 2 : read it.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - News We Don't Need

CHINA - A Chinese man was pushed off a bridge by an angry passer-by after his threat to commit suicide held up traffic for five hours, Chinese media reported on Saturday. Retired soldier Lian Jiansheng (66) broke through a police cordon and reached out to shake the hand of would-be jumper Chen Fuchao before shoving him off the bridge.

“I pushed him off because jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their action violates a lot of public interests,” Lai was quoted as saying by the China Daily newspaper.

GERMANY - A would-be gangster shot himself in the crotch when his gun went off half-cocked in his pocket. Lukas Neuhardt (27) had forgotten to put the safety catch on when he stuffed the gun into his trouser pocket to impress pals in Saarbruecken, Germany. He told paramedics that a masked mugger had blasted him in the crotch in a bungled robbery. But police found a hole in his statement when they saw that the gunshot had miraculously left his trousers intact.

And finally...

NEW ZEALAND - A three-year-old New Zealand girl bought a mechanical digger for £8 000 while her parents were asleep. Pipi Quinlan logged onto the family computer and got on to an online auction site her mum had been using earlier. She then submitted what turned out to be a winning bid of 20 000 New Zealand dollars for a massive Kobelco digger, the Rodney Times reports.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Cutié Leaves Church For Church

A popular Miami priest and media personality known as "Father Oprah" has left the Catholic Church to become an Anglican after he was photographed cavorting on the beach with his girlfriend - an act which goes against the Catholic church's staunch stand against cavorting with women.

The Rev. Alberto Cutié was removed from his Miami Beach church after photos of him kissing and embracing a woman appeared in the pages of a Spanish-language magazine earlier this month. And by removed, we mean ousted, thrown out on his can, dispatched.

However, determined to spread the word of Gawwd while still cavorting, Cui"tie was received into the Episcopal Church, the U.S. branch of the Anglican Communion, in a ceremony Thursday at Trinity Cathedral where he was greeted as a liberator and masterful media mogul. He may later announce he will marry his girlfriend, which is allowed in that denomination. Strike that, he WILL marry his girlfriend.

But, he must complete other requirements before serving as an Episcopal priest:

He must denounce the Catholic church.
He must write a 1,000 word essay on cavorting for distribution throughout the Episcopalians.
He must thank God for the many in his community who have shown him their love.

Said Father Oprah, "I thank God for the many people in our community who have shown me their love and support. Your prayers have truly sustained me at this time of transition in my life. With God's help, I hope to continue priestly ministry and service - and cavort - in my new spiritual home."

Anti-celibacy priest' Cutié has previously said he supports the Catholic Church's stand that priests should be celibate and does not want to become the "anti-celibacy priest." He wants to be the deflowered anti-celibacy priest.

The Cuban-American priest was born in Puerto Rico and previously hosted shows on the Spanish-language channel Telemundo. He is also a syndicated Spanish-language columnist and author of the book "Real Life, Real Love: 7 Paths to a Strong, Lasting Relationship." The book has sold well among Mormons and Episcopalians, but poorly among Catholics.

He headed the archdiocese's Radio Paz and Radio Peace broadcasts, heard throughout the Americas and in Spain, and earned the nickname "Father Oprah" — as in talk show host Oprah Winfrey — for his relationship advice.

Earlier this month, Cutié told CBS he has been romantically involved with the woman in the photos for about two years after being friends for much longer.

"I believe that I've fallen in love, and I believe that I've struggled with that, between my love for God, and my love for the Church and my love for service," Cutié said. He made no mention of his love for the woman - which is a really bad move for a guy who wants to cavort with that woman.

After the scandal, more than 100 Ditto Heads gathered outside Cutié's former parish in Miami Beach, waving posters and chanting their forgiveness following the scandal.

Cutié wiped the tears from his eyes, and said, "They just don't know how hard it's been."

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Gorillas Among Us

Fond du Lac police are on the lookout for a person dressed in a gorilla suit who tried to steal large styrofoam bananas from displays at three Kwik Trip stores this week

"Somebody dressed in a gorilla suit entered the store and was apparently trying to take a large banana that they had as part of a banana display," Police Capt. Steve Klein said. "Fortunately, the banans are not edible."

The costumed individual tried to steal the banana from the Kwik Trip on Park Street around 12:30 a.m. Wednesday and then moved on to another Kwik Trip store on Johnson Street and attempted the same crime, guarenteeing this would be labeled as The Kwik Trip Crime Spree.

"I laughed a little bit. I looked at our camera and watched it, had a few more laughs and I just let everyone know, ‘Hey, we have a gorilla on the loose,’" Kwik Trip manager Marissa Erber said. "I didn't consider the gorilla suited individual might have a weapon under that suit. I just laughed."

An employee at her Park Street store tried to unmask the ape and discovered the gorilla was a woman, but police still haven't ruled anyone out. "One woman dressed as a gorilla does not mean we have captured the culprit. There could me hundred, maybe thousands, of these poeple out there - not to mention real gorillas."

"She tried to grab it and leave the store with it, but the third-shift worker kind of convinced her to lay it on the floor and she ran out," Erber said.

But police said the banana beckoned again Wednesday night and the gorilla was caught on tape, returning for a third, more fruitful try. "

The person walked in with the gorilla suit, yanked the banana down from the display and went out the front door," Klein said.The Park Street store is planning to lay banana bait to try and catch the thief - an idea first brought to their attention from re-runs of Barney Miller.

"We're going to hang it up again tomorrow and see what happens," Erber said. "Now, everyone step aside. Nothing to see here."

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Bank Error Creates Fugitives

New Zealand police have launched an international search for a couple who fled with millions of dollars after NZ$10 million (US$6.05 million) was accidentally deposited into their bank account.
Detective Senior Sergeant David Harvey of New Zealand Police said in a statement on Thursday that an investigation team was working with Westpac Bank on the case. In New Zealand, bank errors in favor of the customer carry a sentence exceeding the death penalty.

New Zealand's news agency NZPA said the couple, who ran a gas station in the northern city of Rotorua, had applied to Westpac Bank for a NZ$10,000 overdraft but 1,000 times that amount was paid into their account in error. The employee who made the error is quoted as saying, "Blimey, mate."

"The individuals associated with this account are believed to have left New Zealand and police (are) working through Interpol to locate those individuals," Harvey said in a statement. Harvey, of course, from the famed Jimmy Stewart, now a retired actor, works undercover on bank fraud cases.

"Westpac Bank has recovered some of the money which had been inappropriately withdrawn and have charged overdraft fees to the fugitives."

The bank refused to say how much of the money had been recovered or give any other details, nor comment on which country the couple may have fled to - ending his sentence in a preposition which carries 10 - 15 years in New Zealand.

But local newspaper The Rotorua Review quoted a source saying that a police liaison officer was sent to China recently to search for the couple. Said a local reporter for the paper, "It's as good a place as any to start."
Westpac refused to confirm the amount of money missing as they had not yet counted how much was missing, but in a statement said the bank was "pursuing vigorous criminal and civil action to recover the sum of money stolen." Vigorous banks, as everyone knows, can be very cranky.

Banking ombudsman Liz Brown told Rotorua's The Daily Post newspaper that generally it was a criminal offence for people to spend money that was accidentally put into their bank account if they knew it did not belong to them. "Generally speaking," she said, "it's not right. If the money is placed in your account, we generally don't like you to take it out and spend it - generally speaking."

In her 15 years as banking ombudsman she said she had been involved in 10 to 20 cases of this kind which were legally referred to as "payment by mistake" - or, as the ordinary citizen might say, "the lottery."

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Clean Teeth Changes Race

But then it changed my race.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Of Asparagus and the Man I Sing

German police are searching for a motorist who beat a 24-year-old woman selling white asparagus because he was upset about her asking price for the coveted springtime vegetable. He was last seen with a Caesar Salad he has stolen from his neighbor.

The prices for white asparagus, sometimes called "edible ivory" in Germany, fluctuate wildly during the short springtime season, peaking early in the season at 10 euros (or about ten bucks) per kilo. Most asparagus goes for 1 to 5 euros.

The man screamed at the woman that her asparagus was overpriced. "Sie sind ein capatilist Schwein. Keirkagaard würde über Sie beschämt sein." He then punched her in the face and threatened to unleash his attack dog at her - a toy German spitz. "Sie sind ein Irres," she shouting as she fled to call the police.

"Der Kraftfahrer sagte, dass ihre Preise total über der Oberseite waren," said Dietmar Keck, police spokesman in the Havelland district west of Berlin, without saying how much she was asking.

Prices for asparagus now range from 1 to 5 euros per kilo, he said. Some 55,000 tons valued at 175 million euros are harvested annually. "Der Kraftfahrer sagte, dass ihre Preise total über der Oberseite waren," he said. "Aber der Spitz war Ausweg der Linie."

Police are holding the man for questioning in hopes of finding the best price of white asparagus.

Das YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - A Commercial Break

And now
my gums and lips are
ruby red!

The YeetleMaster

The Yeetle Box - Between a Rocik and a Hard Place

Losing a job can be a sickeningly stressful experience. It can make you feel down, cause stress that effects normal functioning. It's just not good.

But wait! You can keep taking your medicine.Pfizer, one of the world's largest biopharmaceutical companies, launched a program Thursday providing medications free of charge to unemployed, uninsured Americans for up to a year. Pfizer?

The initiative, called the Medicines Assistance for Those who Are In Need (MAINTAIN) program - which took the entire marketing department to brand, enables Americans who have lost their jobs and health insurance this year to keep taking 70 of Pfizer's most common brand-name medications, including cholesterol-drug Lipitor, arthritis medication Celebrex and impotence treatment Viagra. This will help those with high cholestoral, arthirtis, and penile dysfunction - the most common ailments for which treatment is sought.

"This is about understanding the environment and the economy. We are in unprecedented times and people need help," said Pfizer spokesman Ray Kerins as he pawed at his pants with his arthritic hand.

"We all know people who have been laid off recently and have lost their health insurance, making it difficult for them to pay for health care," said Dr. Jorge Puente, Pfizer's regional president of worldwide pharmaceuticals in a statement. "We thought there must be some way we could help recently unemployed people who are taking Pfizer medicines to continue treatment during these challenging economic times. Hell, even we, a multibillion conglomerate have laid off as many as 800 researchers in a tacit admission that our laboratories have failed to live up to the tens of billions of dollars it has poured into them in recent years."

Puente helped conceive of the program during an employee training meeting during which talk drifted to the recession, says Kerins. Employees began sharing stories of friends and relatives who were unemployed and could no longer afford their medicine, and Puente suggested, to his outstoundment, what eventually became the MAINTAIN program.

To be eligible, Pfizer customers must:

Have lost their job since Jan. 1, 2009.

Have been taking a Pfizer medication for at least three months prior to becoming unemployed and enrolling in the program.

Lack prescription drug coverage.

Attest to financial hardship.

Demonstrate a limp penis.

Kerins would not disclose how many Pfizer customers the company believes will take advantage of the program or what the cost may be to Pfizer throughout the year, nor how much they save in marketing.

"We have done our due diligence," said Kerins. "The reality is it's not about that. This is about helping people and we want people to take advantage of this program ... if you need medication, you should not be without it."

Hey, Pfizer, my penis is flailing!

To learn more about the MAINTAIN program call 1-866-706-2400 or visit www.PfizerHelpfulAnswers.com.

It could save your marriage.

The YeetleMaster

Yeetle Box - Dead Mother Collects Government Benefits

A Florida woman has been indicted for keeping her dead mother's body in a bedroom for six years while collecting more than $200,000 in pension benefits, U.S. prosecutors said on Thursday.

Penelope Sharon Jordan of Sebastian, Florida, was charged by a federal grand jury last week with Social Security fraud and theft, the U.S. Attorney's Office in Miami said. No charges for keeping a rotting corpse in the bedroom were leveled.

Police found the decaying body of her mother, Timmie Jordan, on a bed in a spare bedroom at the mother's home in late March, when they were called to investigate a report of nuisance cats. Dead cats, it turns out. Penelope Jordan told police her mother had died in 2003, so what does she have to do with this?

The indictment alleged Jordan concealed her mother's death in order to receive both her U.S. Social Security benefits and her military survivor's benefit. Her attorney stated the fact that she did not conceal the body left her blameless and proved that government entitlement programs were highly inefficient.

Jordan collected $61,415 from Social Security and $176,461 from the military pension during the six years, prosecutors said - which is equivalent to less than $40,000 per year. A pittance for the amount of work she did keeping her moth in the house.

She could face up to 15 years in prison.

Local media reported that the 61-year-old woman told police her mother died of old age and she kept the remains because she couldn't afford burial expenses. Rather, she chose to let her rot slowly until she could disposed of the remains through conventional waste management.

An autopsy found no signs of foul play. An autopsy of Ms. Jordan would have revealed something much different.

According to a local paper, police found many cats on Jordan's property but she denied they were hers. She stated the cats belonged to her mother.

(Reporting by Jim Loney, editing by Jane Sutton and Sandra Maler, guest writer / editor The YeetleMaster.)

The YeetleMaster