Yeetle Box - Bush Apologizes

In an effort to distract public attention from the Gonzales scandal, President Bush apologized Friday for the shoddy conditions at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. Further distancing himself from the political axe that fell on eight attorneys ordered by the Whitehouse and in conjunction with Gonzales, President Bush stated "we're going to fix the problem."

Remarking that Gonzales was still the right person for the job, Bush toured the main hospital and Abrams Hall, where soldiers were transferred after they were vacated from the facility's Building 18, the site of moldy walls, rodent infestation and other problems that went unchecked until reported by the media. He said his conversations with those who had been in Building 18 left him "disturbed by their accounts. And, I'd like to note that Gonzales is a good man. I call him Speedy Gonzales."

Yeetle Box - You Would Smuggle Crocodiles

Let's say you don't have a lot of money. Poor, in fact. And you have a family to raise. Maybe 3 or 4 children. And you're a woman living in the Middle East.

OK, let's say someone offers a proposition that will bring in more money than you will make in 6 months, feed yourself and your children, and buy that whatever you've been wanting.

Under those circumstances, you would strap three, 20 inch crocodiles around your waist and attempt to cross the Gaza strip.

"Everybody was admiring a woman who is able to tie crocodiles to her body."

And that's Yeetle Worthy in its essence.

Yeetle Box - Why We Need The Yeetle Box

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician were trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they had a limited amount of building material.

The engineer got up first and made a square fence with the material, reasoning that it was a pretty good working solution.

"No no," said the physicist, "there's a better way." He took the fence and made a circular pen, showing how it encompassed the maximum possible space with the given material.

Then the mathematician spoke up: "No, no, there's an even better way."

To the others' amusement he constructed a little tiny fence around himself, then declared: "I define myself to be on the outside."

Yeetle Box - Chocolate Shortage

A drought in Western Africa and unrest in the Ivory Coast -- the world's biggest cocoa producer -- has combined with rising consumer taste for cocoa-rich dark chocolate to raise concerns about a shortage in supply.

Bottom line: There is a chocolate shortage. This will drive up chocolate prices, leading to more expensive chocolate - in turn, leading to more expensive M&M's.

Oh my!

How, oh how! -will we ever maintain our obesity in such circumstances?

Yeetle Box - Dead Men Don't Fly

A passenger on a British Airways flight complained after he awoke on the plane to find a corpse had been placed nearby his first-class seat.

Paul Trinder said he awoke from sleeping on the nine-hour flight to find the corpse of an elderly woman who had died on the flight in a nearby seat accompanied by her grieving daughter.

According to Trinder, when he voiced his concerns, airline personnel told him to "get over it."

"They seemed to have no proper plans in place to deal with the situation," he said. "I didn't have a clue what was going on. The stewards just plonked the body down without saying a thing. Not even an introduction. I remember looking at this frail, sparrow-like woman and thinking she was very ill - in a cute sort of way. When I asked how she was doing with my best Ron Hubbard voice, I was shocked when the stewardess told me she was dead."

A spokesman for British Airways issued the following statement:

"It has always been our policy to place dead bodies in first class whenver possible. We believe it is in keeping with our highly principled customer service policy to ensure that ALL passengers receive the best comfort and services from our airline staff and facilities. Even the ones who die during the flight. Customers first: dead or alive: that's our motto."

Trinder added he was concerned with potential health issues when seated next to a dead body. "When you have a decaying body on a plane at room temperature for more than five hours there are significant health and safety risks," he said. "I don't know what they are, but it sounds good to say it."

The statement issued by British Airways noted:

"It is our policy to ensure the health, safety, and welfare of all passengers and airline employees. Mr. Trinder should be remined that we did place large amounts of ice on the body in order to slow the decay. We have issued 20,000 frequent flier miles to the corpse, and hope she chooses British Airways in the future for all her flight needs."

British Airways is the UK's largest international scheduled airline, flying to over 550 destinations at convenient times, to the best located airports. Whether customers are in the air or on the ground, British Airways takes pride in providing a full service experience.

Yeetle Box - An Eye For A Thigh

A former Woodburn assistant coach and social studies teacher has gotten a state reprimand for biting the thigh of one of half a dozen wrestlers who tried to give him a wedgie. At a December 2005 practice team members tried to give Peter Porath a wedgie — jerking his undershorts upward. This is the classic wedgie maneuver, which has proven effective in inflicting both pain and embarrassment to victims since the invention of the wedgie in 1879.

"At least six wrestlers, weighing between 180 and 215 pounds each, came up to Mr. Porath from behind in an attempt to give him a ‘wedgie.’ In the process of getting the boys off of him, Mr. Porath bit the inside of a wrestler's leg, leaving distinct teeth marks," the commission said.

"Mr. Porath's counter move has been disallowed as stated in the Wild, Wild, Worldwide Wrestling Commission Rules, to whit: 'Upon receiving a wedgie, no wrestler shall retaliate by biting the inner thigh of his opponent. Bites to the outer thigh and to animal thighs are permitted.'"

The commission called that "gross neglect of duty" and, stated further, Mr. Porath's actions constituted just plain old bad taste. Mr. Porath has been placed on probation for two years. In addition, he must complete a class on appropriate behavior and write a public apology to the student he bit. Further, Mr. Porath will lose priveleges to the teacher's lounge as well.

He teaches high school social studies at Woodburn. He no longer coaches wrestling but does coach baseball, said Woodburn Superintendent Walt Blomberg. Blomberg said the wrestlers were disciplined by the wrestling coach but did not receive academic penalties such as suspension.

"It was a wedgie!" shouted the Woodburn principal. "Jesus! You people never had a wedgie? C'mere...."

The Woodburn principals was restrained by six wrestlers and the team mascot.

"You can't place ALL the blame on the teacher for receiving a gang-wedgie. To be fair, Peter [Porath] did characterize it as an attack," Blomberg said. "Technically, a wedgie is not an attack. It's a...well, it's a wedgie! Let me show you."

The student and his family did not pursue a complaint, but the district felt obligated to report the incident to the state, Blomberg said. "And we reprimanded Pete. After all, a wrestling coach should know not to turn his back on his opponent. How lame is that?"

"Frankly," added Blomberg, "Pete's a nice guy. I think he got off lucky, but, still, he's not a bad guy. It's not like he's a gang banger or nothin'."

Yeetle Box - OOPS!

Unicorn story a misunderstanding
BILLINGS, Mont. (UPI) -- A Montana prosecutor has blamed miscommunication for a report that an alleged drunken driver blamed a road accident on a driving unicorn. Yellowstone County Attorney Dennis Paxinos said the report was the result of slang developed by prosecutors as a form of "black humor," the Billings (Mont.) Gazette reported Thursday. Paxinos said the alleged drunken driver, employed the "unicorn defense," which involves a suspect blaming a crime on a mythological person -- someone who does not exist.

A deputy prosecutor, misinterpreting an e-mail about the suspect's statements at the time of his arrest, requested the judge place a high bond on the suspect because he blamed the crime on a unicorn.

"It's kind of code (among prosecutors), and the code was misinterpreted," Paxinos told the Gazette. Paxinos offered his apologies to the suspect, the public and the court for the incident. "I wanted to stop the misinformation that was generated from my office immediately," he said.

Dammit. Just when things were getting interesting!

Yeetle Box - Those Crazy Unicorns

A Montana man suspected of causing a car crash while driving drunk allegedly told police that a unicorn was driving his car at the time of the crash.

Deputy County Attorney Ingrid Rosenquist said at Phillip Carston Holliday Jr.'s arraignment in Yellowstone County that the 42-year-old claimed the mythical creature was at the wheel of his truck at the time of the March 7 accident, the Billings (Mont.) Gazette reported.

Holliday allegedly was driving under the influence in Billings when his truck went through a red light, struck another vehicle and then made a U-turn before hitting a utility pole. Two police officers were on hand at the time to witness the crash. Holliday has five prior DUI convictions and has amassed 53 traffic violations, the newspaper said. He has been convicted 28 times for driving with a suspended driver's license.

Yeetle Box - A Better Way To Select A President

George W. Bush has been such a bad president, and the American voters have proven either a disinterest in political elections or an inability to choose a good president. This is a fact.

Given this, we should contemplate a better way of selecting a president that doesn't burden the American people with registering to vote or voting at all once registered. I propose the following:

1. Each voting district will place a map of the United States on a wall of a public building within the voting district.
2. All American citizens will lodge darts at the map.
3. Concurrently, Air Force One will traverse the United States, passengered by a chimpanzee and a goat, each fitted with a parachute.
4. After all darts are thrown, the chimpanzee will be pushed out of the aircraft and float into a voting district.
5. Shortly thereafter, the goat will be pushed out of the aircraft and float to the ground.
6. After the chimpanzee and the goat have both landed, the American people will be given the coordinates of both the goat and the chimpanzee.
7. When the goat, the chimpanzee, and a citizen of the United States come within 100 yards o each other, that citizen will be our next president and sworn in on the spot.
8. The chimpanzee and the goat will serve as advisers to our newly selected president.
9. Our new president will serve a one-year term for 6 years, after which this process will be repeated.

It's worth a shot.

Yeetle Box - The AP Has Hit Its Tipping Point

A recent article from the Associated Press asks, "Has Ann Coulter Hit Her Tipping Point?," citing Coulter's repeated offensive statements regarding liberals and those who harbor liberals. Her early appearances on Fox News (or is it Gnus?) launched her career from one of pure neo-conservative oddity to absolute neo-conservative, liberal bashing hyprocrite.

To whit:

I take the biblical idea. God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees. God says, "Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It's yours." As opposed to living like the Indians.

To answer the Associated Press, Yes. She reached her tipping point sometime between the ages 12 and 16. It's you, AP, we need to wonder about. Why are you so fascinated with her? Because her books sell?

Then, the real story, the one that hasn't even begun to lean, is, "Why Does Anyone Care About Ann Coulter and What She Says?"

"I think, on the basis of the recent Supreme Court ruling that we can't execute the retarded, American journalists commit mass murder without facing the ultimate penalty. I think they are retarded. I'm trying to communicate to the American people and I have to work through a retarded person!"

-Ann Coulter

Yeetle Box - Dog Licks Man, Dog Dies

According to the Associated Press, A collie named Lassie roused her owners and enabled them to escape their burning home. Apparently, Robert and Elsie Whitson were asleep in their bedroom when the fire broke out. The dog, which slept at the foot of the couple's bed, licked and nibbled at their hands until 81-year-old Robert awoke and the couple went outside, escaping the fire.

They didn't take the dog. Lassie died in the fire.

Neighors and firemen attribute Lassie's actions to heroism. However, another neighbor, not quoted in the article, has a different take.

"Lassie had one unique trick. She could boil an egg," said an anonymous neighbor. "I've seen the dog turn of the gas burners, strike a match, and boil water. Get where I'm going with this?"

The anonymous neighbor's anonymous son (or daughter) added, "Mr. Whitson like to sleep with peanut butter on his fingers, too. It's true!"

Well, this changes things quite a bit.

Rest in peace, Lassie, you ol' yeller dog!

The Yeetle Box

7.2 Million Underage Binge Drinkers

The 2005 National Survey on Drug Use and Health estimates there are 11 million underage drinkers in the United States. Nearly 7.2 million are considered binge drinkers, typically meaning they drank more than five drinks on occasion.

The good news: there are more adult drinkers in the United States than underage drinkers and more adult binge drinkers than underage binge drinkers. Population studies suggest that as underage drinkers reach the age of majority, underage drinking will decline.

Chimps With Spears Save Mountain Gorillas

DAKAR, Senegal - Rebels in eastern Congo have agreed to stop killing mountain gorillas and allow government rangers to restart patrols, conservationists said Wednesday.

That's what a few strategically placed chimps with spears can do to change public policy.

Thank you, Senegal chimps. Thank you and God bless your efforts using only Weapons of Little Or No Destruction.

Was Anna Nicole Smith Really Buried?

Did you hear that Anna Nicole Smith was buried today? Or was it yesterday?

Hatched, matched, and dispatched, Ms. Smith's body is no longer with us, but her spirit will live forever in the hearts and minds of morons.

Her claim to fame? Porn, reality TV, and heiress to a billionaire. She's no Shaivo, but she was made famous, not by talent, but by the sheer will of the media.

Thank the Lord she's not just dead, but buried as well.

Now, back to more pressing matters.

Will her body be exhumed and moved?

Stay tuned.