Yeetle Box - Checkup Confirms Cheney Has a Heart

Doctors reported Saturday that Vice President Cheney's heartbeat was normal - for a 67-year-old man with a history of heart problems.

"All is fine," Cheney press secretary Megan Mitchell said after Cheney's annual checkup, which lasted less than two hours at George Washington University Hospital. "The staff at George Washington University have, without hesitation, noted that Cheney's heart, while compromised by frequent, minor issues, continues to beat."

Cheney has had four heart attacks, quadruple bypass surgery and two artery-clearing angioplasties - common for man in his position.

In addition to the physical exam, he had an electrocardiogram, a test that detects and records the electrical activity of the heart, and imaging of the stents placed in the arteries behind his knees in 2005.

"The vice president's cardiac status remains stable," Mitchell said. "That is, he's not dead yet."

Cheney returned to the vice president's residence at the Naval Observatory and resumed his normal schedule of drawing pictures of mushroom clouds, hiding evidence from past legal infractions, and scolding his staff for telling him the truth about those WMDs in Iraq.

At his annual checkup in June 2007, doctors found no new blockages in his heart, but said he needed a new battery for a special pacemaker he has in his chest. The vice president later had surgery to replace the implanted device that monitors his heartbeat. At that time, doctors noted Cheney did have a heartbeat - and, therefore, a heart. They were not certain whether or not Cheney used his heart.

Then, in November, doctors administered an electrical shock to Cheney's heart to restore it to a normal rhythm. The irregular heartbeat was determined to be atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart. Because of the success of the electric shock, doctors administered electric shock to Cheney's brain in the hope of achieving similar results - normal brain activity.

At this most recent checkup, doctors found that Cheney had not experienced any recurrence of atrial fibrillation, an abnormal rhythm involving the upper chambers of the heart, and the special pacemaker had neither detected nor treated any arrhythmia, a problem with the heartbeat's speed or rhythm.

Upon emerging for the exam, Cheney lifted two fists into the air and proclaimed, "I am invincible."

Cheney's Medical History

Dick Cheney, 67, has a long history of heart ailments. A summary of his medical problems through the years.

• 1978: Cheney's first heart attack, at age 37 when Cheney was elected to the Wyoming House of Representatives, and, despite his ailing heart, was re-elected five times. In the same year, Cheney quite smoking for fear he would lose the non-smoking constituents of Wyoming. During his tenure in the House, Cheney voted against the majority to make Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday a national holiday, but then voted with the majority in 1983 when the measure passed. He voted against the creation of the U.S. Department of Education, citing his concern over budget deficits and expansion of the federal government, and claiming that the Department was an encroachment on states' rights - a position he holds today. He voted against funding Head Start, but reversed his position in 2000 in order to better position himself as a compassionate conservative running mate with George W. Bush.
  



• 1984: Second heart attack. Allegedly, Cheney took too seriously his position as House Minority Whip, administering severe lashes to the Majority Whip.
  
  
• 1988: After a third heart attack, Cheney has quadruple bypass surgery in August to clear clogged arteries which he believed was a political attack for voting against ending apartheid in South Africa and the freeing of Nelson Mandela.
  
  
• Nov. 22, 2000: Cheney has what doctors called a "very slight" heart attack, his fourth. He received an angioplasty to open a clogged artery. After this heart attack, Cheney began a daily 30-minute regimen on the treadmill and eating healthier - giving up his favorite dishes of Freedom Fries and Liberty Toast.
  
  
• March 5, 2001: Just over 100 days later, Cheney feels chest pains and has another angioplasty to reopen the same artery. Doctors report Cheney was unusually agitated and often asked, "Did the planes hit yet?"
  
  
• June 30, 2001: Cheney returned to the hospital and had a special pacemaker, an implantable cardioverter defibrillator, or ICD, inserted into his chest. Cheney requested his heart be completely removed in favor of a baboon's heart and the pacemaker. His request was granted.
  
  
• Nov. 13, 2004: Cheney enters the hospital after complaining of shortness of breath. He leaves after three hours. An aide says tests find no abnormalities, for Cheney had just finished climbing the two miles of steps leading from his bunker and was, by natural causes short of breath.
  
  
• Sept. 24, 2005: Cheney has surgery to repair an arterial aneurysm on the back of each knee. According to sources close to Cheney's knee, the surgery was elective.
  
  
• Jan. 9, 2006: Cheney again experiences shortness of breath and goes to the hospital. The problem is attributed to fluid retention as a result of medication he was taking for a foot ailment. He is placed on a diuretic and released with a note to his mother.
  
  
• July 1, 2006: His annual physical shows the pacemaker is working properly per Executive Order.
  
  
• June 8, 2007: His annual physical reveals no new blockages in his heart, but doctors say he needs a new "battery" for the special pacemaker he has in his chest.
  
  
• July 28, 2007: He has surgery to replace an implanted device that monitors his heartbeat. Doctors replaced the defibrillator, a sealed unit that includes a battery. They did not replace the wiring attached to the defibrillator, thereby complete the bio-techno interface that could make Cheney immortal.
  
  
• Nov. 26, 2007: Doctors administered an electrical shock to Cheney's heart and restored it to a normal rhythm during a 2 1/2 hour hospital visit. Cheney was discovered to have an irregular heartbeat when he was seen by doctors at the White House for a lingering cough from a cold. President Bush held Cheney's balls and asked him to cough. Doctors speculated this could have been the cause of the irregular heartbeat.
  
  
• July 12, 2008: Doctors reported that Cheney's heartbeat was normal - for a 67-year-old man with a history of heart problems. Doctors also reported that Cheney had successfully evolved past the need for a heat.

The Yeetle Box