The Yeetle Box - Et Tu, MJ?

And now MJ announces he's divorcing his wife!

Let's recap:

James Brown - dead
Gerald Ford - dead
Man steals brocolli - no sign of him
Saddam Hussein - dead
Michael Jordan - divorced

Something is awful out there. Something inexplicable.

Something ALIEN!

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Gerald Ford, James Brown, Brocolli Thief, and Saddam Hussein

This is creeping me out. Within the last week the following events have occurred:

-James Brown died
-Gerald Ford died
-Man steals $50,000 worth of brocolli
-Saddam Hussein is executed

What do these events have in common?

The truth is out there.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Gerald Ford Redux

At least the guy who stole the broccoli did something memorable.

(I am really obsessed with this onslaught of Gerald Ford stuff.)

You know, I believe that if George Bush were a good president...at least a competent human being...at least a human being...there would be no talk of Gerald Ford's "legacy."

I don't want to say anymore about Gerald Ford.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Gerald Ford More Popular Dead Than Alive

When did Gerald Ford become the great president we all loved? Not during his very short term, that's for sure. I remember him as the guy who pardoned Nixon and the guy who fell down a lot. Oh, yes, and the guy who said that the Soviet Union did not occupy Poland.

All these news shows are talking him up as if he had been a great president. But he wasn't a great president. Maybe he was a nice guy, but as president, he was one of the worst since Nixon - which is why he pardoned Nixon in the first place.


The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Ford, Brown, and Broccoli

If I had told you that within a span of 48 hours former President Gerald Ford and R & B singer James Brown would die, AND a guy from Illinois would steal more than $50,000 worth of broccoli, you would have said I was nuts.

So call me nuts.

What do these three events have in common? Perhaps nothing, or everything.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Does This Sound Familiar?

The U.N. Security Council voted unanimously Saturday, December 23, to impose economic sanctions on Iran for refusing to end a uranium enrichment program that the United States says is aimed at building nuclear weapons.

Of course, Iran rejected the resolution.

Sound familiar? How is it that the U.S. maintains the largest arsenal of nuclear weapons in the entire world (which is a really big place), and still has the audacity to try and regulate other countries' nuclear activity - always under the guise that the country is a threat to us!

How? How is Iran a threat to a country that has the capacity to blow up the planet 200 times over?

I'll tell you how.

The United States is the only country in the history of mankind to actually use an atomic / nuclear weapon. Period. Back in the day, we dropped the bomb on Japan and sang, "And the rockets red glare..."

Later, Japan retaliated with Toyotas and Hondas. Ouch!

So, you see, if Iran becomes energy-independent by developing nuclear energy, they rely less on the US economically. Ergo, ECONOMIC SANCTIONS.

Oh.

Just like Iraq, only different. Compared to Iraq, Iran has a much larger, better organized military with alliances the same as our own - France, Russia, etc.

If Iran becomes energy-independent, they can divorce themselves from U.S. oil companies.

Now, the other theory is that Iran is an evil empire formed from alien DNA that landed on this planet more than a million years ago. Their single objective is to create an alien - human hybrid race of people. This hybrid race will be further advanced intellectually than any other group of people on the planet, AND have capability of beaming themselves around the world, causing mischievous wherever they go.

One possibility: these hybrids will dominate all professional sports. Tiger Woods, Michael Jordan, and Mohammed Ali are the prototypes.

Which bothers you more?

Which sounds more plausible?

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - George W. Bush's Letter To Santa Claus

Maybe it's a practical joke - the kind of which you find only at the highest level of our government. Maybe it's a leak. Maybe it's all just a hoax. However I got my hands on it, here is President Bush's letter to Santa Claus:

December 2006


Dear Santy Claws,

Hi. How are you? I hear you're a good man. A Santy Claws man. I'm a Santy Claws believer. I believe in you.

You've been good to me for a long time. I really liked the baseball team you got me and the oil company, too. Good things. When I got the governmentership of Texas, that was good too. And then you got me the presidency. He he. (Don't tell Karl.)

Since you've been so good to me, I thought I might write to you a letter to you with a specialized request.

You know things aren't going well in Irak. I need about 1 trillian dollers. I've written to the American people for that. Freedom costs a lot of money. In dollars. It's a expensive thing. Freedom. Fighting for freedom is expensive too. And costly. Could you send ! billion dollers? Thanks, Santy Man!

Also, in addition, I think I could use some WMD is Irak. Just drop 'em down when yer flyin' over. I know it's a Muslim part of the world. But that Rudolph can get it done. He's a top notch rain deer.

Anyway, that's just two things on my list.

Let's make it three things on my list. OK? How about soldiers? You got soldiers? I know you do. You're a good man, Santy.

Well, Dick is calling. Gotta go and run.

May God Bless you and your important work on behalf of freedom and democracy.

George W. Bush
President and Commander-in-Chief
United States of America

p.s. Stop watching me when I'm sleeping. It's freakin' me out. Thanks.

I don't think this is a hoax.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - The Penis - Bomber

When you go in for a penis enlargement, you are probably not hoping for a smaller penis than what you had before the surgery. Blake Steidler expected a larger penis. After the surgery, well...things didn't go as planned. So Mr. Steidler did the only thing a man with a small penis can do under such circumstances: he mailed a bomb to the doctor.

He mailed the bomb from Ohio to Chicago - two states known for their long standing penile rivalry. Then he called the police to tell them he had mailed the bomb. The bomd was retrieved and destroyed. Mr. Steidler was sentenced to four years and 10 months in prison.

Blake Steidler was 25 years old and lived in Reamstown, Ohio. The name says it all.

Now, we know the penis surgery didn't go well. But it seems Mr. Steidler's testicles might have been removed in the process: he pleaded guilty to use of a weapon of mass destruction and other charges - which is not a good defense for keeping you out of prison. In fact, in 100 percent of cases in which a person uses the "guilty defense," no one has ever walked away without a sentence.

Mr. Steidler's defense lawyer, Luis A. Ortiz, said at the time of the plea Mr. Steidler was mentally ill. Damn straight, he was. I think it's a fair assumption that a person who goes in for a penis enlargement, then mails a bomb to the doctor, the pleads guilty is a little left of center. A sandwich short of a picnic, if you will.

Besides the prison term, Steidler was sentenced to five years supervised release, and a $2,000 fine.

Mr. Steidler now has more than four years to think about his actions. Penis enlargement, indeed!

The District Attorney's office in Chicago, Illinois stated, "No one from Ohio is going to have a larger penis than anyone in Illinois. That's just the law! If I had had my way, Mr. Steidler would be dancing with Bubba for much longer."

The D.A.'s officed declined to confirm rumors that they had sought the death penalty for Mr. Steidler.

"We did not rule out any avenue that led to a meaningful prosecution in this case."

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Trumped Up

This is a top news story!

The current reigning Miss USA, 20-year-old Tara Conner of Kentucky, will be forced by pageant officials to forfeit her crown due to "inappropriate behavior."

"Inappropriate", you say? Yes, inappropriate by Donald Trump's standards.

underage drinking in her home (gasp)

substance abuse (oh my)

failing to make Miss USA promotional appearances (yikes..that one gets you fired on The Apprentice)

chafing at "other" obligations (chafing? you can get fired for a skin disorder?")

nonstop nightclubbing

generally behaving like a damned 20-year-old.

Donald Trump, who owns the Miss USA pageant, weighed in on the matter, stating "reports that Miss USA is being 'dethroned' are absolutely not true. [Conner is] going through some personal problems and difficulties right now which could affect her ability to reign. We are right now looking into what we can do to work with her and what we will do about her reign going forward."

Her reign? Donald, you've grown soft. Geez, whatever happened to the goood ol' days when you'd just look at her and say, "You're fired."

Paegent officials stated they're giving the crown to the first runner-up, Tamiko Nash of California. According to TMZ, Nash was contacted by a "high-ranking" pageant official and informed that she will take the crown when Trump makes the official announcement next week.

"You know," said Trump, "California has better behaved young adults than trailer trash from Kentucky. I'm not prejudiced. It's just a fact."

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - George Bush Utters Coherent Sentence

December 15, 2005

For Immediate Release

GEORGE BUSH UTTERS COHERENT SENTENCE

Top aides to Presdident George W. Bush stated early this morning that the President uttered a coherent sentence.

"It wasn't a great sentence," said one official close to the President, "but it was absolutely clear and coherent."

Another official stated, "Definitely coherent. Everyone in the room understood exactly what he meant and why he said it."

As we know, George W. Bush has taken his lumps over his mangled English and incoherence. He has been called everything from "retarded" to "speech impaired." During the last six years in office, President Bush has worked hard to achieve coherence, and, in an early morning speech therapy session, uttered the following:

"I have to go to the bathroom now."

"We couldn't be happier," said Dr. John W. Booth. "In the past he might have said something like 'I have to go to the lady's room.' But this was clear, concise, to the point. Everyone understood him."

At a press conference this morning, Tony Snow did not elaborate on whether or not President Bush's sudden coherence was fluke. Said Snow, "The American people need to know that George W. Bush, Commander-in-Chief and President of this great land, can and does speak coherently."

No further statements have been issued.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Optimism Overrated

New research has revealed that optimists (as opposed to pessmists), do better in most avenues of life - work, school, sports, relationships. They get depressed less often than pessimists do, make more money and have happier marriages.

This is not groundbreaking stuff. Well, of course they're optimistic: they have everything going for them. Duh!

Note: I did my own research and found that this study was conducted by OPTMISISTS! I think it's flawed.

But what do I know? Anyway, I could die any day now.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - The Noble Savage

The Yeetle Box received notation in a highly scholarly book:

The Myth of the Noble Savage

I knew I was being too academic. Damn!

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - The Noble Savage

The Yeetle Box received notation in a highly scholarly book:



I knew I was being too academic. Damn!

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Queen's English

A university study of English phonetics has determined Queen Elizabeth's spoken English has gradually lost its upper class tone since 1952.

Jonathan Harrington, professor of phonetics at the University of Munich and author of the study, told The Telegraph he used the queen's annual Christmas addresses to map out the gradual changes in spoken style.

"In 1952 she would have been heard referring to 'thet men in the bleck het.' Now it would be 'that man in the black hat,'" Harrington said. "Similarly, she would have spoken of the 'citay' and 'dutay,' rather than 'citee' and 'dutee,' and 'hame' rather than 'home.' In the 1950s she would have been 'lorst' but by the 1970s 'lost.'"

Harrington also stated that George W. Bush's English has lost its Presidential luster.

In 2002, President Bush might have said "weapons of mass destruction." Now, he says nothing at all. In 2003, he said "Mission Accomplish." Today, he says "stay the course." In 2005, he said "terrorism." Today, he says "secretary violence."

But, says Harrington, a comparison between the two is hardly relevant. "You can't really say that President Bush ever spoke more than pigeon English. The Queen still speaks a form of 'dodo English.' There's a world of difference."

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - Another Cheney?

Another Cheney. Another grandchild for the Vice President, who shot a man in the face. Actually two grandchildren for Cheney, who shot a man in the face.

Guess which one of his daughters is having the children? Not the other one, but the right one.

When asked how Mr. Cheney, who shot a man in the face, felt about the upcoming new arrivals to his family, Mr. Cheney, who shot a man in the face, said, "I'm ecstatic. This proves that my gene pool is a good order."

Mr. Cheney, who shot a man in the face, when on to explain that he hopes his grandchildren will be named "Karl" and "Rove."

"It just makes sense," said Cheney, who shot a man in the face.

"I can't wait until they are about 3 months old, so I can take them quail-hunting."

Regarding this happy news, George Bush stated in a prepared statement, "We'll make every effort to ensure the birth of these children will not in any way be aborted. I am sending legislation to Congress as I speak to prevent the premature cessation of their births."

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box

The Yeetle Box - What Do You Want To Do?

Everyone complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Thus spake Mark Twain.

He's right you know...sort of. Al Gore is doing something about it. Or trying to.

So, let's revise Mr. Twain's original observation to read:

Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody but Al Gore does anything about it.

Sounds right to me.

The Yeetle Box
The Yeetle Box