Yeetle Box - George W. Bush's Economic Analysis

President Bush said Thursday that the country is not headed into a recession and, despite expressing concern about slowing economic growth, rejected for now any additional stimulus efforts.

“We’ve acted robustly,” he said. "This is a robust administration. The country is NOT headed into a recession. Our country is strong. I said that in my last seven states of the unions speeches. Weren't you listening?"

“We’ll observe the effects of this...this..pro-growth package,” Bush told reporters at a White House news conference. “I know there’s a lot of, here in Washington people are trying to — stimulus package two — and all that stuff. Why don’t we let stimulus package one, which seemed like a good idea at the time, have a chance to kick in?”

Bush’s view of the economy was decidedly rosier than that of many economists, who say the country is nearing recession or may already be there. "Some economists do not support democracy. We will hunt them down, capture them, and place their naked bodies in a pyramid-type pile...! I mean, we need more patriotic economists to raise the flag of democracy across this land. These rogue economists will do whatever it takes to bring down freedom or to let freedom not ring."

His comments came after another round of reports Thursday that point to a struggling U.S. economy. The Commerce Department reported that the gross domestic product increased at a scant 0.6 percent pace in the October-to-December quarter. In another report, the Labor Department said weekly jobless claims rose sharply to 373,000. However, The Center for Faith-Based and Community Initiatives (CFBCI) at the U.S. Department of Labor disagreed. "Based on all economic indicators," said Secretary Elaine L. Chao, "I believe that the stimulus package will send a cascade of faith across the United States, and, then, the Lord will provide."

Bush then announced that the Commerce Department and the Labor Department were folded into the Homeland Security Department overnight by vice-presidential order. Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face while hunting for quail, was unavailable for intelligible comment. His office issued the following statement:

"QUACK! QUACK, QUACK, QUACK! QUACK!!!"

The centerpiece of government efforts to brace the wobbly economy is a package Congress passed and Bush signed last month that will rush rebates ranging from $300 to $1,200 to millions of people and give tax incentives to businesses. "That outta shut people up," muttered Bush. "Stop complaining. We're a free people. A good people. Go by a toaster and leave me alone."

One issue particularly worrisome to American consumers are indications that paying $4 for a gallon of gasoline is not out of the question once the summer driving season arrives. Asked about that, Bush said "That's interesting. I hadn't heard that. ... I know it's high now. Is that regular or premium? Or that one in the middle between regular and premium?"

Finally tipping his hand as to the real reason for the press conference, Bush pressed Congress to give telecommunications companies legal immunity for helping the government eavesdrop on ordinary citizens. Or are they just ordinary citizens?

"If this initiative does not pass, we are prepared to fold all telecommunications companies into the Department of Homeland Security," said a clearly agitated Bush.

The Yeetle Box