Vice president Dick Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, visited Chicago this Friday to address a conservative group at the Ritz Carlton. Where else?
Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, performed his usual Democrats-are-bad routine, from diplomacy to the war in Iraq.
“Above all, the Democrats' attempt to micromanage our commanders is an unwise and perilous endeavor,” Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, said. "Democrats need to understand that oversight of the Executive Branch merely emboldens the terrorists who wish to destroy our way of life."
But that was not the real news.
In a bizarre series of events, Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, almost had a perilous flight to Chicago because of a run-in between a bird and his plane, Airforce Two.
As Airforce Two taxied to the awaiting vice presidential motorcade, everything looked normal - a tactic employed by terrorists around the world. Moments after Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, got into his limousine and drove away, mechanics started giving one of the engines the once over. On the approach to landing a bird rammed itself into one of the plane's engines.
“It's very rare that there's any life-threatening effect from a bird strike of a commercial aircraft, that's for sure,” said Northwestern University professor Aaron Gellman. "But we can't take any chances. We live in perilous times."
The Federal Aviation Administration, the Chicago Department of Aviation and the Airline Pilot's Association were not willing to talk on-camera about what happened to the vice president’s plane. Why not? We don't know.
“It can do enough damage to shut down an engine,” Gellman said.Or cause them to catch fire, as was the case with American Airlines Flight 1374 in 2004.
“All of a sudden we heard this tremendous bang,” said Jon Bernaden, a passenger on that flight who did not shoot a man in the face. "I remember looking over at Dick. He was like a rock. Didn't speak nor move. He's one tough fella. Sure he quacked a bit, but he is human. His hand was steady on his revolver."
“We were pretty lucky that the pilot and the engine did exactly what they were supposed to do. They are trained to cut and run at the most exacting moment. Now that terrorists have recruited birds, we have to be particularly cautious.”
Due to the heroics of the pilot and the engine, Cheney's plane cleared for takeoff without any delay.
Meanwhile, Homeland Security officials recruited federal biologists to launch a counterstrike against birds at the O'Hare airport. Soldiers rushed in and quickly disrupted the birds' habitat – covering ponds, lighting off fireworks and restricting the type of trees and bushes allowed to grow near the airport.
After landing in Washington D.C., Cheney, who once shot a man in the face, issued a brief statement:
"For those of you who don't support the President's foreign policy, take note that the next attack could be aimed right at your car - or your children's bicycle. The robin, sparrow, and hummingbird have joined with the terrorists to form an airborne axis of evil that will stop at nothing to disrupt the American way of life. If it's a quail hunt they want, a quail hunt they'll get."
President Bush commented, "Dick's a brave man."
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